March 14th, 2006


first day in Prague

and what was it?
the travel day?
we woke so late
such a late start
so lazy
rolled around in bed
a very long waking up
gentle yoga

but eventually i got up

Leo had been up a while
morning prayers
dreaming up plots
we got our tray of breakfast
and began eating it around 10:30
-- the tray was supposed to be put back out on the side board at 11
we didn't get it out til half past..

small pre-packaged things:
nutella, jam, butter, chicken liver pate, cream, lemon juice, tea bags, nescafé, a thermos of hot water, a package of 6 pices of ham, two baby soft cheeses, two white rolls, two whole wheat rolls, two pieces of dense grey german bread.
not bad
we ate most of it
and i had one of my rolls that i bought in Dresden the day before
a small full seed roll
pumpkin, sunflower, sesame, flax seeds
whole wheat bread
Leo kept calling it Parrot food
and it kept making me think of Kelly Schmooney
which made me think of Arthur
and i missed Kelly Schmooney
his squawking
but really
i missed Arthur
though our relationship wasn't the most full or fabulous
i felt he was very humble in what he was
which is so rare for a Pisces..
i missed just spending time with him
the gentle sexual intensity
the cuddling

and Leo said it over and over..
tomorrow is Arthur's birthday
i am hoping to talk with him then...
for whatever good that will do

i don't know if i believe in long distance love right now
but i always want to reach out and touch those i love

so far away...

we ate our food
and really
we're here..
so out into the city to see Prague

i was amazed at how strange it seemed last night
it seemed to make sense to me now..
i looked at the map
and off we walked
following our eyes
even though i thought we were going to the main square
we didn't make it there..

walked in some church...
... unlike all the other baroque churches i've seen
this didn't seem gaudy
didn't seem flagrant
but some sort of balance with the darkness
some humility

we walked through the tight alleys
the amazing beautiful decorations to look at in every direction
streets filled with tourists
the snowing...

came to an intersection where four men were holding up the walls of a building
naked men
with lion's paws across their genitals
cept for one
who had the lion's face


across from them
was Club 23

of course.

we wandered
and found ourselves at the Charles bridge
the two churches around here we couldn't get into
just into the initial doors
to look in
and see the beauty
but no one there to manage them..
-- the most atheist country in europe...

we walked through the snow
across the bridge
looking at the statues
-- i was feeling oppressed by all the saints, all the dying god imagery
but Leo wanted to see the Infant of Prague
and it was this way
... we found out from an info booth
somewhere across the river
the Infant...

We found him with little trouble
as we got closer
all the jewelry shops were selling statues
the bakeries selling wafers
the craft shop selling carvings and dresses



we found the little church
and went in

high rococo altar for the little guy
totally gaudy
i sat and watched him a bit
the church felt good..
we walked around
in the tourist shop was a couple Italians
a really skinny one
ill looking
and a fat one
sloppy looking
... they looked like a couple
they looked scared of me
darting side glances

i walked out of there through a back room
round to the sacristy
and there they were again...

Leo met up with me there
and we walked down the mission hallway
Leo pointing out
"K+M+B 2005"
written on all the doors
what was that?
the initials of the three wisemen who visit on christmas eve every year...

we didn't do that where i grew up..

oh beautiful for spacious culture...

we headed out of there
to a bakery across the street
tempted by what looked like Marzipan filled logs of goodness

but it wasn't really
we hat Tea
Leo sat us down at a table
i was oblivious
he pointed out an incredibly cute 40-something Czech bear businessman talking to his associates right in my view
i watched his face
his expressions
he seemed a little bashful under my eye
people don't like being studied like that
but the whole world should be caressing and patting and petting and saying hello, i love you
all the time

tea, pastry, beautiful men

the waitresses here
not polite american girls
they acted like they had better things to do
throwing the pastry down as they rushed by
well, ok

i guess that's why they get 2kcs tips..

we left there
and wandered through the streets
looking to get into that big church there
St Nicholas, yeah
but i went round the wrong way
to the front of the square where the trams are
... a group of four people stood with signs..
in Czech...
declaring that they didn't want fags in the Czech Rep. i guess
it took me a while to figure it out, seeing that i don't understand slavic languages at all
but as it made sense to me
i asked Leo if he would kiss me
he just walked on

the church was pretty amazing
once again
not entirely as gaudy as the restored baroque churches
some things so beautiful..
i was fixated by the saint's faces
seeming so kind, St Basil
looking down like that
i stared
took pictures

there was an exhibit to let us up into the upper galleries
the distortions of the painting ceilings
the stories?

the shiny faux marble...

we walked from there up up up
to the palace, St Vitus Cathedral
beautiful men to see on the way up
beautiful views
as we ascended the city
the river
the bridges
.. what a beautiful city!

the palace?
the one i wanted to see was closed to the public, the Swartzpalace
it was being restored
the current palace wasn't that attractive to me
but St Vitus was amazing
gothic filigree
flying buttresses everywhere

the entrance was closed
so we went in through the exit..
the windows were amazing
intense detail..
and one done by the artist "Mucha"
all painted glass

beautiful church
but they were closing
we were being rushed through

i saw a very cute guy
big body, brown jacket, cane
hat pulled down onto his glasses
big big white beard puffing out everywhere..
with his wife..

i snagged a few pictures of him
and Leo and i headed off through the old streets up there
past the Barbie exhibit
down a long descending staircase back to the tram street
we walked across a newer bridge back into our part of the city
finding it pretty easily with our little map

we happened to get a hotel right next to a Sauna, "Babalonia"
so we headed there, via getting a quick bite to eat near there
i got a turkey sandwich
Leo go a Tuna Salad
and while we waited
i looked through pamphlets laying next to our table about local events
mostly theater performances
but one was for a cinema
... glancing through
curious to see what American movies made it here
i noticed a Czech movie
and then noticed it was by Jan Svenkmajer..
who i loved when i was 19 or so..
but hadn't seen anything by him since then
... so i took the pamphlet with me just in case...

the Sauna was right around the corner from our hotel
about €11 to get in
nice lay out
some hot guys
though not a lot happening

we enjoyed the jacuzzi and steam bath
... i walked down stairs
and the guys i found hot
were just not into me

i met up with a guy who looked pretty bland
but ended up being pretty sweet
the sex wasn't so great
because anything i did to him made him close to cuming
and he didn't want to cum so quick
so we kept having to back off and just talk
he was Finish
and from a part of Finland that spoke Swedish
he was stocky, nice little belly
clean shaven
"normal" hair
but his dick was nice and thick when he got hard
and i had a good connection with him
good energy..
it was the night of the full moon after all
he was playing with my butt
and i could tell what he wanted
so while he was laying on his back
i sat down with the head of his dick against my butt
and just pulsed
feeling him
into him
into me
though no penetration was happening
just pushing and feeling

even that was driving him wild
and i'd have to stop after a while
but i'd never done this before
and found it really interesting
to just sit there with that connection and not go further

i became tired of not being able to have sex with him
so decided to go back upstairs.

hung out in the jacuzzi
played in the steam room a bit
and stretched in the sauna

when i went back down stairs again.. probably an hour after the first time
i found the same guy again
and this time it was much more direct

with him standing instead of sitting
he seemed much more in control
i was able to suck his dick for a long time
it was fun, and a build up to a good connection
then he turned me around and ate my ass for a while
then just sat down on the mattress
and pulled me down
pushed into me
and pulsed for a while
then started thrusting
then started pumping
then grabbed me and opened me up
i was pretty amazed
i'd never had this feeling before
i liked this position
and came
trying to hold it in
but spilling a bit...

we stayed like that a bit
then hugged, kissed
and said goodbye

i went up stairs and showered
went into the sauna
and started doing yoga

situating myself, pulling myself back together
getting into my body

then went to sit in the jacuzzi

in there a guy sat down across from me i thought was the Finish guy
he brushed my foot and pulled away as if i minded
i tried to let him know it was alright to just touch
eventually we locked toes
which i'd also never done before
and it felt really good

Leo came and sat next to me
we cuddled and talked a bit
deciding to go get a drink

when we got out
the guy i had been footing with in the tub came into the shower
and i realized it wasn't the guy i thought it was!
theme and variation

Leo ducked into the suana
so i went down stairs with this guy

who proceeded to give me a massage!
which was a little painful
but still felt great

we talked
he was czech
told me he'd been a massure for 10 years
but went back to school and studied a long time to become the economical manager of a restaurant!

so i gave him a bit of a massage
and he was all pushing his ass up in the air wanting me to fuck him
which i wasn't going to do
but i did cum again just rubbing on his ass
then sucked him off

he wouldn't let me leave
holding me down
i came again rubbing against his belly

he wouldn't let me leave
and now i was worried about Leo looking for me
so i made to leave
but he was hugging me and pulling me
and blocking the door!
it went on and on
until i forced my way past him

of course
he wouldn't talk to me again..

i found Leo on the steam room
playing with a guy who tried to play with me earlier
but he was way too kissy for me

i love kissing
but not just randomly
i feel there has to be introduction before kissing
not verbal
just body, energy
he just, sloppy and wet, dove right in

but he was sexy to touch
i played with him while leo and he were playing
then they went off to find a cabin
and i played with a few of the guys surrounding us in the steam room

but then felt
i should go play with Leo and his friend
so went looking for them
and found them
but they couldn't hear me knocking
so i stood outside their cabin listening to them building
and gasping
and cuming
and fading back into eachother

that was enough

Leo and i had a drink
then went back to the sauna to sweat and stretch a bit more
cold rinse
then dress
and go

i was really fucking tired
felt kinda ill
wanted to just go home and sleep..

but when i hit the night air
i felt better
more hungry
so i agreed to go get dinner with Leo
it was about 21:45
we found a beer hall kinda thing not far from the hotel
filled with czech people
crazy looking guys
chubby guys
frizzy hair with bald front
czech working men

i liked this place

Leo thought there was too much smoke
but it was so worth it

i drank and aperitif that was all cloves and cinnamon
Leo ate a duck
i had a thin pork steak with ginger and carrots ("prague alchemist" they called it)
then i had an Absinth..
but i was disappointed by it
it looked like mouthwash
not the right colour at all
he didn't serve it with water
and when i put water in it
it didn't even cloud

it didn't taste right at all
but.. i felt it's buzz

i started talking with Leo about my time at the sauna
with the finish man...
all the men
during the sex
the hunt
there was a rush
an excitement
but near the end
especially with that czech guy
i wondered what the fuck i was doing...
what was it really doing for me?

sex can be a very creative act
especially with a conscious partner
but was this really doing anything good for me?
to imagine this connection?
this intimacy?

i enjoy seeing a bunch of people walk around naked
enjoy seeing men hungry, on the hunt

but it also annoys me
bothers me
frustrates me
== i feel like it's a waste of energy

i get so confused about it
yet i'm still compulsive

i do most of the work with these guys
and what are we doing?
what do they want?
what do i want?

so strange
because i haven't been doing this sauna thing a lot in the last year
it's re-clashing with my emotions
and i'm wondering how or why it's good for me

.. i told him that while i was sitting in the jacuzzi that last time
before he showed up, before that czech guy arrived
that i thought of what i believed about gay culture like this
this rampant sex with random people
and how detrimental it is
how it equalled disease, addiction and death
as had been proved by the last thirty years
... but when i broke into gay culture
when i got the job at the bath house in portland
i let go of those judgements
and started enjoying it
the drinking
the crazy people
the hunt
the compulsion
and less and less paid attention to the fear

laughing at myself

what if i hadn't spent so much time and energy on being gay in this physical way?
like my friends of my generation who spend more energy on being artists than i do

my thoughts meandered...
somewhere in our conversation
talking about czech writers
(as i imagined all these men to be writers, and i was getting excited remembering Kafka and Grombrowitcz stories and telling them to Leo)
i mis-heard Leo say
"if you want to be depressed, read the bible"

and when i responded to that
he was confused
when i realized i misheard him
i explained to him how every time i read it it depressed me
and he told me i just didn't understand it
and we got in a big argument

we'd never got in such an argument about christianity before
he being a priest
i've always respected his love for that path
but i realized all of a sudden
that i hated christianity as a culture
where i was once in a state of forgiving it
now i couldn't
and he was telling me i was just ignorant of it's intent
and i was telling him he was turning a blind eye to all the guilt and blame and destruction
... it was messy

mercury retrograde argument, i guess
we weren't on the same page

we went back to the hotel to sleep
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