slow going morning
but i could tell i was definately feeling... better?
relatively
relativity is everything, yeah
yeah...

on down the street
yeah
to Sebastian's
up the elevator

and... into costume

though everyone was looking for funny clothes...
i was happy with a simple Kirpa
white (for sufi dancing)
and while everyone else was getting their face painted white and black like skeletons (kinda)
Sebastian said i would not get any paint

OK

we stood in circle
we did some breema
we chose groups
to talk about Death

this was all being filmed by an Iranian documentarist

our group was our beloved Tania, Johnathan, Ito, Marieka, Theo and dominic... ja...
the stories from the dutch were about how they always felt they had too much responsibility for other people's lives and weren't allowed to live their own
weren't allowed to exist... couldn't be heard... were strangled by their invisibility
born into death... grew up in death
like i did
who talked about always looking for the door out of this world
a way to die that was OK with the world, not suicide
looking for the way out ... always...
WAY OUT
the other american felt he was dying
felt his fake bullshit self was dying
he was dying away
coming into being
he just wanted to die
he was scared
he was excited: this is what he'd always wanted
and Tania had dreams
of being bound up
helpless
then being carried..

so we made a ritual about it.

the groups began

the first group
what happened?
i don't know
there was laying around
moaning
shouting
and twitching

then us, the second group
sebastian posed us into hitting tania on the head with large pieces of wood
we collapsed into eachother
then morphed into our ritual
her on the table
marieka screaming
being strangled
blinding theo
grabbing
pulling
we lifted Tania
and walked around the table with her many times
put her down
i felt nauseous...
kneeling at her feet

Johnathan said i could use every person i met as a door
use this opportunity

we sat down

i told sebastian i felt i should be naked
so when the next group started
he asked me to join them: naked

i was lifting, holding bodies
dead boy
i was up on the table
holding on
supporting
grabbing
pulling
keeping the weight off
dead
dead boys

the fourth act
was me
helena
ito and johnathan
the two men wrapped me in gauze
my nose dripping yellow snot on the white
they lifted me
in fetal position

the put me down
helena held me
poured vanilla vla into my mouth (like a pudding)
same colour as my snot
it drooled out of my mouth
down my body
as i struggled to break my bonds
and suddenly it was my disease
comming out of me
in this infected phlegm
binding me
that i was breaking free of
coughing up
standing up
strips of gauze
covered in snot and vla
dripping from my body

then all the young on the table
holding hands
being blessed by all the older
circling
blessings
receiving
thank you

blessings

i showered
we all cleaned up
Frank had made dinner for all of us
Tania sat still in her fasting

Simon brought down a book of Hermann Nitsch
austrian Action art
bodies covered in pig blood and innards
at the dinner table

we ate
drank
i was tired
didn't eat much
my vitamins

motherfuckergoddamnit

eating
some people going
the rest of us
all laying down on the floor and cuddling
yes
all of us
sleeping
napping

ito let me put my hand on his belly
hand on his shaft
resting
theo's arms around me

i went to the toilet
ito followed me
and i asked to see him naked before me
the veins in the foreskin
the blend of italian and dutch in him
formidable
beautiful
i hugged him

it was time to go
to go home
to rest some more
a little time on the internet
and talking with Leo

and sleep.