March 1st, 2006



i keep noticing how all of the doors are closed here...
is it a fire safety thing?
more likely
a flood safety thing

the story i heard tonight
an old almost-friend
how he went to Gurneville for New Year's
and the town flooded
the storms
built in a flood plane
"water level would flood your room, sir"
said the hotel clerk
"if you're not out of here in an hour, you won't be able to leave
but you can stay here if you want... there just won't be any electricity or ... anything"

how he was shocked his x-love
was living in england and on the dole
with a guy on the dole
"no body works there, i don't understand how they can do that"
-- ' it's what they aspire to in San Francisco as well '
i said
' everyone does their best to get labeled "DISABLED"
be it through HIV or insanity or addiction or something
-- then the government pays them to stay alive '

and he went onto to tell me how a friend of mine
- i didn't know -
is positive
converted two years ago
and his lover (of 11 years or something)
just converted last year
"he's really depressed about it"
he said

whatever the fuck it is, virus
who the fuck knows
but you get it from pressing the boundaries of what you've been told you're allowed to do
try and touch someone with out fear
without walls
try and open up
to have fun
to connect wholly

and you get slapped with some label that means you're sick
and that you'll get sick
and sicker
and die a terrible painful death
and if you try to touch anyone openly again
you'll kill them too

it's depressing

what are your options?
take mass amounts of poison every day
to keep yourself at a manageable, expectable level of sickness every day

great options
thanks for the story

of course

he wanted me to stay the night
but it was too depressing

i reached out
touch him
touch someone
to be Not Alone

what's there?

we lay in bed and he tells me about his child hood jobs
joining the union
working in a factory
deliverying water to the workers
$12 an hour in the early 70's!
stoned the whole time

wow, what luck
"it was fabulous"
by some standards, i guess

mediocrity and empty existance sure is swell

he rushed down stairs
my constant presence
what was it? empty or full?
too much for him
he needed his cigarettes
his TV
some show
"it's good"
and i was hungry

he offered me chicken he cooked himself on his rotissery
but microwaved it
though i asked him not to
he told me "it's good; it won't hurt you"

"this house"
he said
"it had nothing
i've been working on it for two years
-- they want to buy it from me
... and just tear it down
build something bigger
you know
this is the most expensive land in Amsterdam now
this area
... it'd double my money
-- i can buy a house out in bumfuck...
this little house.."

i just couldn't spend the night
i stood out in the cold
the hail on the ground all around me
waiting for the bus

"Voices Carry" ('til tuesday)
"the Shoe Song" (shellac)
"good morning captain" (slint)

the bus didn't go the same route back
the whole city is under construction
so i got off at the Leidseplein
and walked to the Spyker
drank a jaggermister
watched Ren & Stimpy
with another television next to it showing
fisting porn
doing it's best to show the heavy emotional writhing connection between the two shaved smooth muscle Kens

the walk home was nice
i guess

and i surprised myself by being able to sing the entire "bloody mother fucking asshole" song by Martha Wainwright to myself
... i didn't even know i knew all the words

then i sang "in my heart" by moby for 10 minutes or so
hoping i wasn't waking up too many people

it's late

the lights on the canal

i'm back at the rectory now
and i can't stop thinking of all the closed doors in amsterdam
white flat doors
in every house
they keep them all closed
and everywhere looks like rooms with no ways out

just turn the handle
(though they all look the same)

is that a closet? a toilet? a bathroom? a kitchen?
noken in de koken?

i'm behind a closed door now
and it's the end of the day

sleep soon, baby.

writing myself in love

i just wrote a lot

caught up with all the days since i've been here

came in
and wrote the most recent
wishing to have my heart open
but feeling... Closed.

then i wrote a few days ago
catching up with today
and by the time i got to this morning
i felt happy and appreciative

in love
it's a way to be
and it's not dependant on another person..

... though i did get to talk with my friend Joshua on Skype

-- everything's backdated so as not to clog up friend's lists
click on my face to read my days
  • Current Music
    In My Heart -- Moby
out the morning

we decided to stay out late, i ended up bound and gagged

Marcel dinner
Argos/Black Tulip Night...

i felt a sinus infection comming on...
where did it come from?
staying up til 4am?
walking in the cold?
waiting outside for the buss?
having my face buried in R's crotch?


i took an airborne
hoped it would go away

talked with Leo down stairs
just in time for Mixalis to arrive...

a Greek friend of Leo's..
cute little furry fucker.
we had a three way when i got to Amsterdam back in 2002
as M. was Leo's main lover here then
and we both wanted to please L
though i was attracted to M, he was usually into guys OLDER than Leo...
so ...
we became friends after Leo left
my only friend that wasn't about fucking
... was about talking about all the hot daddies we loved
talking about Leo like he was a pop star or something
"ohhhh, he's SO dreamy..."
and smoking pot together.

he and his australian lover
we met
walked around in the cold
through the museum plein
to a little cafe down the liedsestraat
sat and chat..

then he and Leo went off to play in the Thermos Sauna

i didn't feel like it
could tell the cold was coming on..

i wanted to ride the bike around and enjoy the town
but snow was starting

so i just went home and rested

read the Tao a bit...
then just lay down and meditated...

i woke around 6
when it was time to meet Marcel for dinner... then to give him a massage
took the tram
walked to the NeuweMarkt
met up with Marcel there
and had a great Thai dinner
really thick Tom Kha Gai
and sweet/wonderful red beef curry
served by a beautiful MTF Tranny

back at Marcel's...
we never got around to the massage: again.

i helped him organize his computer
set up Skype on it for him
took some pictures of him
edited them
helped him with it all

he didn't offer to pay me
and i guess that was alright
but i felt weird about doing computer work for him..
but he gave me the plug for his Mac that he didn't use...
which was the one i needed to make my Mac work here in Europe...
so: OK

(and he bought me dinner... which was expensive!)

then i went to meet Leo at the Argos

we'd decided that this would be our late night out at the bar
so i got there
and these two Hoosier guys were there who we'd seen all week, but Leo had just found out they were from Indiana
so we chatted with them a bit
then this really cute guy walked by
and i stopped him
do i know you?

it was my friend Steffan!
who i used to talk with all the time in these bars...
strange fellow (but aren't we all)
very intelligent
turns out he knows Chris (the octothorpe)

i introduced him to Leo and we chatted for a bit
... then this hot guy sat down at the bar
big leather guy
which isn't my thing
but he had a really hot face
thick vandyke beard
deep eyes
something so hot about him

and we were sitting over the radiator
so i suggested we move

and just at that moment
he went down stairs

so i excused myself and followed him..

he was waiting for me
and took me in the back
and forced me on my knees to suck his cock
which wasn't a huge cock
but very nicely shaped
no words spoken

some guy from behind started spanking my ass
he just had me sucking
then would pull me up to kiss him
-- i felt a good connection
then would shove me back down to suck..

he asked me if i would come back to his hotel with him
The Black Tulip

i'd heard about this place
its reputation preceeds it...
but i wasn't frightened

i figured it'd just be a half hour or so...
he said something to a friend of his, a nice older daddy (looked more like a politician)
and off we went

on the way out
i told Leo i'd be back in a bit
he laughed and said OK

(it was about midnight)

the Black Tulip was further away than i remembered it
but we got there eventually

he took me to his room
third floor walk up
rooms 21,22,23..
i wondered..
we went into 22

he said to me "all your clothes off"

so i took them off
he grabbed me mid way to kiss me a while

then put wrist shackles on me
nipple clamps
and a studded collar
he had it clipped to his belt via Chain

everything in the Black Tulip is a piece of Gear

the wardrobe can be emptied and made a cage
the desk chair has rings all over it for binding someone too

but he just took me to the St. Andrew's cross
and strapped my arms in
my legs
my waist
my chest (over the nipple clamps: ouch!)

then he put a hood on me.

i'd never been in a hood before

zipper mouth (open)
he pulled the string tight on the back

then he proceeded to light a joint and force me to breathe it
this being part of the scene
i was OK with it
but still trying to minimize my intake

then he started in with the poppers

he could tell this wasn't really turning me on
so he took off the nip clamps
and fingered my butt
telling me he wanted to fuck me
then he let me bite his beard and lick his chest a bit
released my arms so i could touch him

i was licking him
his underarms
his neck
his chest
i was hard again
and someone called in around the door..
some exchanged happened... in Norwegian

after more licking around eachother
he un-strapped me
and lead me out of his room
... into room 23

his other daddy friend was in there
who had me crouch down
and grab his nipples and work them
while sucking his cock
which was large
and difficult, with that fucking zipper at my lips
but i tried...

while the hot daddy bear was behind me
rubbing my butt
my belly
my butt

the zipper kept getting in my way
it was pissing me off...

the lifted me
and put me on a table
face down
strapped in my arms
all the fucking strapps
then the lawyer daddy slapped me with his hands a bit
with a flogger

the daddy bear sucked my dick a bit
then fed me his

they got tired of having me strapped down
so they undid me
and put the table away

then the daddy bear left
and the lawyer daddy sat on the bed
and had me suck his cock and work his nips
then he threw on a condom and fucked me for a while
huge cock
he had to take it slow
then he really started riding me
i was moaning
it was good
from all the poppers and pot they had been giving me
i was flying

this is leather sex, eh?

he stopped
took of the condom, wiped up a bit
then had me suck him again while working his nips
put another one on
and started fucking me again
i was melting

then he layed me on my back on the floor
and sat on my chest
and jacked off on top of me
shooting all over my (hooded) face

then he jacked me off
i didn't feel i was close at all
but started cumming really quickly
being in passive-boy mode
just letting him have what he wanted
i bucked and moaned all over
lay perfectly still
let him choose when to release me

he undid my wrists
my neck
my hood
and i felt he was embarrassed when he saw my face.

he offered me the shower
so i sat on the toilet a while letting my bowels respond to that huge cock...
then took a nice shower..
and he walked me back over to the daddy bear's room
and just left

the daddy bear had me suck his cock
for a long long time
he didn't want to cum
he just worked it and worked it and worked it
i'd lick him all over
and it was a long process of me climbing all over him
and moving his body around
and edging his clothes off

but eventually
i took his boots and socks and leather pants off
lifted his legs up
put my cock on his butt
and rode him like that a while
he really liked it
put our cocks together and rubbed
he really liked that
he's not a total top
he came back into his human shape
there was cuddling
i thought he came and so i came on him
he was surprised
but then said
so i sucked him off

he loved it..

i thought of arthur
how he'd just want me to suck him forever
or even not suck him
just hold him in my mouth...

like this guy
who hardly spoke any english
his big smooth norwegian body
he came...
we rested a while, his cock in my mouth
me playing with his foreskin
wrapping my tongue with his foreskin
pressing it into the floor and roof of my mouth
just tripping out on his unmutilated cock


then he was hard again
so i sucked him off again

and then looked at my clock: it was 2:40

i called Leo about 6 times
and figured he was asleep

so i asked the daddy bear i if i could stay and sleep with him..

he said yes... so i did.