February 2nd, 2006

altar boy

why i don't sleep well

One of the things i learned from the massage tonight was

i've been stuffing my emotions

i decided that i would always be in pain
always be lonely
always be sad
so i just tuned the radar off those feelings so i wouldn't have to notice them all the time


but they're still there

here's one of them:

i don't like sleeping alone

i'm embarrassed to admit it!

but it comes out in ways

i don't sleep well on my own
fuck: it's nearly 4am and i'm still awake
-- i'm afraid of my dreams
afraid of an empty bed
cold sheets

i always sleep better with someone else

someone i like
well... someone i love.

then there's the problem of me fighting with my lovers
my father
of feeling misunderstood

i decided the world was an insane fucked up sick place
and i decided that i couldn't just throw it away and live with out it
so i moved to NYC to be a part of it
and that decision became only firmer here
i have become furthermore insane fucked up and sick.

how useful is that?

(story's not over, more to be told, more to learn)
through the trees

in a beautiful place

on the edge of a forest

the sky is constantly vacillating between day and night
the light doesn't look like flashing
it's the soft cool of the moon and stars
it's the warmth of the sun

i'm barefoot in the grass

hear the sound of a small stream
walk over to it
into it
stand there a while
then climb up over the bank
to the other side
-- a thick forest
like red woods

i walk in a while
then lay down
and become translucent