November 5th, 2005

half moon

if i was the grand canyon i'd echo everything thing you say

it's kind of embarrassing to me that i've not hiked in the grand canyon yet...

but as i flew into LA
i woke up just in time
for us to fly over the four-corners area..

i looked for my 8-year-old self
marveling at the cliff dwellings...

green hills appeared
and then started to break
a huge gouge..

the sky was clear
i could see it coming
and i guess it was a waterfall..
or was that just haze?

the land was rent by a rift...
not like i'd imagined it
was that just a river over time?
so flat and smooth above it
other strange shapes..
the canyon opened into an underground mountain range
the levels were all strange

my eyes fluttered

i'm so glad i got to see it

what would i do with it?
who would i go with?

i wanna get lost...
as i explained it's so difficult for me to get lost
even in unknown cities
though i sometimes use it in my imaginary conversations i have with people i'm late to meet..
it's never true.

the only time i've ever noticed that it's easy for me to get lost..
is when i'm following someone around
and i know only them
and street signs and details become a blur
pale in their light
of conversation and desires

i listen
and i respond
-- it doesn't matter where (or what) i am.

(no subject)

there is a rip in the fabric ov my screen these days

tiny little whole

bottom right corner

like someone had pushed a pin through the image
and the nothing is rushing through

i wonder if it's like clothes
or a parachute?

will it get bigger?
will i be exposed through it?
will i be sucked through it?
will it take over my life?
or let me fall to the ground on my own?
standing in the blue


i started studying astrology because i noticed patterns through it.

and i still do:

on the 2nd
i had two clients.

both were Libras.

the Kidd i was staying with
he was too.

my client tonight:
he was too.

the rest of the folk i met there?

two Leos

one taurus
one picese

pretty much standards for me...
but what's with the Libras?
cigarette kidd

and then it all went wrong.

some times things are so difficult

i was trying to set up a wireless router for Gene
(and myself, of course)

but, in trying to configure Gene's computer to run ISPQ properly
i knocked his computer off the network
having no idea how i did it
and having no idea how to get it back on..

it worked came back on its own...

in the mean time
i tried to set up the new router using Jim's computer
which was fine
but it wouldn't connect to the internet....

so i plugged in the old router: it worked.
new router: no.


so i got everything working again as it was before i started it

then i called Verizon Tech Support
they taught me to go into windows through the command prompt
and... a command that wasn't there back when i used DOS
with the tags
"/all" "/release" "/renew"
which managed to get me completely lost from the internet
and infuriated.

i had a headache!

this is a big deal for me:
as a kid
i had headaches all the time
i was sick all the time
i was angry all the time
i was sad all the time
and i didn't want to sleep
didn't want to eat
didn't love
didn't want to live.

those teen-age days have been circling the camfire with the ghosts and wolves for the last few years
i'm out in the desert
and getting bored feeding the fire

my friend in LA gave me a[nother] documentry on the war in Iraq
yeah? lies? Really?

Jim came in and took me to dinner at a near by indian resaurant
-- all organic food! which i was pretty impressed by
... and the hostess lady was very attentive and concerned..
the food was good..
i just didn't have an appetite
and eating seems so... Wrong sometimes.

we walked back into the house to Gene watching DateLine on NBC
what was the episode titled?
something like "operation Pevert" or something
i don't fucking remember
but we walked in just in time to see them entraping gay middle aged men
by luring them with the idea of 13 year olds and 14 year olds...
bating them along
leading them to a house
and then filming them as they get discoverd
and the fucking anchor man fucking investigator pick
gloats and strutts around him
"got you in a hard spot, don't we pervert.. you're FUCKED now!"
power tripping
--- reminded me of how i felt in school
being antagonized by people who were also weak and scared like me
but who had me overpowered by numbers
(like heterosexuals.. and terrified christian suburbanites)

then they gave all the vital information about these poor men
-where they worked, how much they made, their full names
and told you could go to (or something like that)
to get their telephone number if you wanted

this was all done through AOL by a company called Perverted Justice that sets this shit up!

a poor man, a Rabbi, was fucking gutted as it all came to light

as our sexually-sick culture pranced about making all sorts of assuptions
throwing stones in our glass house
no questions were asked...

what's with this country?
formed by so many religous fanatics
and from cultures that are pretty sexually repressed anyway
cycling back
surpressing so much desire and natural flow of enegies..
mutilating men's bodies to cut down on the pleasure

who's the perverts?

in so many cultures
homosexulaity is in the weave of all life
in Societies..
so much knowlege is passed and processed..
Cultured that way..
and in so many
throughout History
the sex between the young and the old has been so important...
and still in many today!

to villinize
to cause surpression
cause boils..

i could not stand to watch it
wanted desperately to call that poor Rabbi on the phone and console him
appologize for my country
appologize for the world we live in
offer appreciation and love

yes, Sick
world is sick
it all comes out as puss...

how many sebaceous cysts have i squeezed out lately?

fucking sick.

left on hold with the help desk
all computers disabled..
my phone rang
and it was someone wanting a massage
"needing some love"

and i jumped at the chance
though it was late...
i needed to go work my body
move myself
try and make the world a little better
coz i was feeling like i wanted to throw the whole fucking thing away
and i hate when i get like that.

i'm back
and i'm tired
the stars were beautiful
and i know at least one person feels better than he did two hours ago

me too, a bit.

and mamma

i'm a fake
said my name was James
you know
i got through to Tech Support at 2am or something
and he knew
when the others didn't
sorry to say
canadian boy?
not the chinese kids, not the black boy
nerd kid
beautiful kid
thanks man
he knew
did it right

mother fucker
i'm back on line

hopefully i can get gene's ispq working again too...

but damn
but damn
somethings are so lonely
stare at the stars baby
dance, honey
and spin
off the ground
you know
like dancing and laughing and forgetting
like immersing your soul in love

go up and never come back down

(when just yesterday you were chastizing the world for wanting that!)