October 15th, 2005


night notes (have to do something other than just let it go)

what if it's true?

the big men are McDonald's men...

fat from hydrogenated oils

death carcases...

vital bodies of love and happiness!
jolly fat!
gnomes of pleasure!

what if they're just stupid... watch TV all the time (i'm not talking about anyone in particular-- just everyone)

remember when i was younger an judged them all as lazy and dumb?
maybe i was right!

i just read "Catcher in the Rye" again
and maybe i was right!

and it's so funny to read that book as an adult
all the judgements he makes
how scared he is of love and affection
how hurt...

outside of life
looking at it...
someone has to be outside of life to protect the bumbling idiots lost in the pleasure of living...
someone needs to float by the clif-side

if a body meet a body passing through the rye

if a body catch a body coming through the rye

keep them from going off that cliff
all those kids

someone's gotta keep an eye out

can't get lost in the pleasure of it: someone's gotta watch out..

what do you want to be when you grow up?

the skinny ones are all neurotic
that's not attractive.
that's not healthy
that's certainly not good for me
the hungry ones
starving... and Cold.

which to choose?
i want a boy friend
i want all that stupid old shit...

i'd say
i'm worried that my writing has degenerated even further
not even carrying threads through to hold pants together or anything
just a bunch of...
loose threads..

but his voluptuous ass is so nice!
it is!
it's firm and
the belly is so round!
he's a perfect gnome!
that smile!
that nose!
those eyes...
we'll.. it's perfect
you get that way when you're a hundred and three
leather... bull...

something beautiful
and it's not my fault
but if he can't cum while connecting
why can't we connect?
if we can't sleep while cuddling...

if he can't cook for himself...

what the fuck could i imagine the world SHOULD be like?

isn't there something important going on?
or should i just be a great big star...

i knew i should have put "WAY DOWN" on the fragment...
it's not depressing..
it's just like it is
it's making fun of it
it's laughing at ourselves

someone has to
even through tears
or not even so dramatic
better than just letting it pass out like a sigh

i couldn't just go to sleep tonight
i had to write a bit of it down

if i read this later will any of it make sense to me?

this isn't for anyone else
that's simple
it's just me trying to let the pressure out a bit
so i can see clearly.

[where friends are]
altar boy

last year's apples

this is strange
i just looked through my journal after posting those notes
and realized i'd not posted for ten days...

what happened?
i thought i wrote something about last weekend?

wow, i've really let things slide.

is this coming across as more coherent?

let me try and stay to point:

i had a friend staying with me last weekend...
an old friend.

while he was with me i was ...

oh, i just rememebered that i Really Did write something!
luckily i found it..
i don't know what happened... for some reason it didn't post...
or... it did?
i guess it did
coz someone commented on seeing it
something i did to it tonight made it dissapear...
glad i found it...
rambling of words.

well, i'll write about the same thing here
hopefully clearer.

(i i kinda hope no one is reading this.. .it's kinda embarrasing being so disjointed... but i didn't sleep at all last night... rode a bus four hours this morning... finished reading "Catcher in the Rye" then slept... in a rolling around on the Bus kinda way... then took a 2 hour nap shortly after that... AND i've been cuddling and playing and talking with this guy... AND watched "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou" -- i'm tired, but must write: can't sleep)

Last year... or earlier this one (a million years ago)
i was very angry with Eli
really bitchy
everything about our relationship was frustrating..

so i stopped calling him
and when i changed my number
i didn't bother to tell him.

it took him about five months to contact me through email
and then we talked again while the rest of my friends were killing out history
--- he was being compassionate

he frustrates me
but while he was staying with me last weekend
it was very comfortable while i was with him...
when i THOUGHT about things.. i was anxious and angry
but while i was interracting with him
it was comfortable and OK.


i've been feeling on the edge of desperation.

i had another guy staying with me last weekend as well
maybe we'll be friends.

he was a very interesting fellow to me... in dealing with ideals
-- he hardly ever spends any time with people (it sounds like... he mentioned quite a few times how he spends most of his time alone)
and though i found him beautiful and interesting in so many ways
it brought up... an edge of desperation:
he talked about this long trip he was on: walking the Appalacian trail... all summer!
he'd given up the place he was living to do this..
wondered if..
he'd find a job out east... maybe a vocation... maybe a new home... maybe a husband..
every time his Hopes didn't meet that mark.. he kept walking.

it seemed so close to my path... but i've been walking for 10 years...

still haven't found my home

but he knows he's got a home back there
he'll go back to where he was
find another way to make it work:
there are people he loves there
and people who love him.

he told me he was going for the brass ring
he said that a few times..
the last night
he told me i was golden.. and he couldn't afford me
it made me feel so sad
like he was condemning our relationship..
even as friends!
not the ideal fantasy love...
but it was hard for me to love him, actually
i knew how much he was interviewing..
and he's an athiest..
and i just find that so sad..
i mean.. when i was an athiest i nearly died
an it was so painful..
it just seems like so much trouble to go through
this life..
all to just die and that'd be it.
it seems very silly
and i couldn't really take another breath if that was the case..

he doesn't have any God or Faith or anything
not that he'd say
but he's always talking about Hope
always talking about Hope...
we argued about that
i was telling him i hate Hope
that it's a dirty Trick
Pandora's box had Plague and jealousy and greed, etc... and Hope in it.
fucking dirty trick..
the ides of placing ideals into the future for happiness to manifest there
instead of staying in the present
i don't like it...
but doesn't that require some sort of Faith?
i think believing in the future at all requires Faith
call it Hope or whatever...
maybe it's just lazy... common sense
the sun sets
the sun also rises
and will again and again and again?
why not?
i hope tomorrow the sun comes out.

--- he was also always saying stuff like
"that's too bad... do you know that apple was picked last year? i don't know why we do that in this country, but all the apples are picked a year before they're sold to the public..."
he said this as he's rubbing a piece of the apple on my nipple
and it's like
we can't enjoy ourselves without being sad about it

maybe sad is like the bitter chocolate on the strawberry?

i mean
i can't say he's wrong
i mean... I'm Like That!
that's how i am!
i'm always saying
when someone is enjoying a McMuffin or something
'you know, that will kill you... diabetes and hardened arteries and obesity.. you know, nearly like plastic... that HobNob cookie, you know, that PopTart, you know that stupid TV show'
you know, i've got something bad to say about everything
i do
and damn that fucking book i just read is making me feel like this
and all i can see is the underside right now
but i understand there is an upside
and it's fun to be alive
and get sugar on your chin
and i know this
i don't always want to think about last year's apples
but someone has got to be watching in the Rye while the kids are playing to keep them from falling..

maybe that's God's job
but maybe i'm God's hands for that..
maybe no one is watching
maybe it doesn't matter
and sometimes kids skin their knees
sometimes they fall off cliffs
and that just happens
maybe the other kids learn from it..

but that would stop the game, wouldn't it?
i bet they don't learn from it
i bet it just happenes over and over
and maybe the kids would cry about it a moment
the breeze would change
they'd look up
and see a red fox darting through the rye
the wind blowing it like a prince's hair
and they'd giggle
and start playing again

cloud passing over the sun
and gone again

everything's always OK
for those who keep playing.