September 10th, 2005


with awareness

"i need my conscience to keep watch over me
to protect me from myself
so i can wear honesty
like a crown on my head
as i walk into
the promised land
-- American Dreaming, Brenden Perry (dead can dance)

laying on the table
it occurred to me that the word
means "with sentience" or "with awareness"

when people talk about it as a seperate thing
is that because they are bumbling around like pinballs
bouncing off of experiences in life
while their Awareness (eternal, omnicient) is talking to them
yelling at them
waving hand and jumping up and down
trying to give them a clue of what's happening to them...

has all my struggles with trying to understand morality (and fit into the human race in general) come from the fact that i don't have a "conscience"
but that my ego IS my awareness...
i spend a good deal of time as my awareness
work on unifying the two?
(yoga; other meditations...)
standing in the blue


i keep meaning to write about this
but keep forgetting to..
and i just got a massage
so i'll write about it now:

i often notice that when i go to work on someone
they might be kinda ugly...

i don't really think anyone is "ugly"
and hardly ever use the world

but i mean
pinched faces
holding lots of mousy energy
maybe bitchy... Mean...
something that makes them think they're ugly
cut off
needing to hire someone to touch them

(massage should be a luxury, not a necessity... well, i like to think of it that way...)

but when i start working on pretty much Anyone
they start to relax
and i shower them with love
even the most pinched bitter faces
and the grace of god flows through them
and they are Beautiful

everyone is beautiful
if they let themselves be...

like at harbin hot springs
the people stripping off their clothes
stepping into the warm waters
surrounded by beautiful naked bodies

they relax
are Naked!
as the happiness rises
so does the beauty
and they shine that
and share that
and other people
maybe nervous
see them
with their whole body..
whole self
and relax
and laugh
and smile
and become beautiful


i just got a massage from my mom.

she wanted to the morning after i worked on her
but i worked on her for three hours
and she needed her rest after that

so tonight
we made a date
though i couuld have run off to get some dick
i stuck around

and she had a migrane
so couldn't work on me
and that was sad

i hugged her and said
'it's alright, mom, i'm used to people... especially people who say they love me
telling me they'll do something nice for me..
and not being able to...
no, it's alright... i've learned not to rely on anyone...

Oh, i'm just kidding!'

[yeah, right.]

so i gave more music to my sister
and updated my dad's iPod
and drank a glass of dandylion wine
and talked with my mom

she said
"have you ever taken on someone's pain?"

"have you ever breathed air?"


and i lectured

enough for her to realize, as she already knew, that this headache was from working on a girl at the store today who had a headache
and it wasn't hers
and when you realize the shit you've taken on isn't yours
it's really easy to let go of
because it doesn't belong to you: nothing for it to stick to..

in a few minutes
she was totally better


she gave me a massage

and it was nice

nice to be massaged by mom


she did things i'd not had done in a while
and things i'd never had done
and i taught her some of the things no one has ever done to me
it felt great...

but as she started to work on my back
i guess it opened up my heart
and i felt sad
so so sad

where the fuck am i?
and where should i go?

and where is my home?

do i want to live in New York or Tennessee or England or California?
fuckhellshitfuckin not in Indiana
what the fuck is up with my lovers?
fuck you guys, you know who you are.. all ov you
fuck you for ignoring me so much and leaving me lonely
"where do we go from here? the words are comming out all weird... Where Are You Now... When i need you....?"

bear411 Damnit!

accidently left my self logged into bear411
(i'd only logged in to send an email to someone i knew already)

left my self logged in all day today..
on my account here in indiana...

from about 2pm til about 2 am

68 fucking messages