September 9th, 2005


thinking things out...

it occurs to me
that i'm a good listener
and for most
that's what i can do.

my advice really isn't all that precious
but that i can listen

can let them talk...


i can journal...

i don't have someone to listen to me right now

i can call and call
and he won't pick up the phone
and he won't have time
be available
return the emails or messages

that's not what i get

not even a good cuddle-mate

i get to journal

she's always been my best listener
my stead-fast lover...
though all my old journals are lost now...

What would i do?

i guess i've been thinking about the future with that Grey Haze of things...

the city holds many men who are emotionally not compatible with me...

(i don't really know any that are anywhere...)

what would i do if i got my house in england?

a view of the sea?
the green rolling hills

the grey sky

the emptiness?

would that be a good place to weather my growth?

learn about potatoes and squash
greens and carrots

find some straight hippie kids to live with me...
maybe a few queers?
still go to the bars or internet for dick
or just.. maybe go without for a while?

could i stay still there?

would i feel OK having that relationship with yakov?

would i learn to come to peace with everything?

makin' choices

on the trip down to bloomington
i played a CD for Kari
the last CD i made for Leo
"Create in Me a Clean Heart"

it has the track on it "a house in england" by The Divided
-- a song inspired by a story that happened in my life a few years ago
when Yacov offered to give me a house in england

Kari said
"whatever happend to that house...?"

i told her the story...

i just helped her do errands around town
-- talking with her Lawyers
delivering papers
then she went to work

i went to walk around bloomington...

but what to see there?
accessing it as a tourist
all i saw was College Town
despite my best intentions
i gag on college towns...

so i sat
with my computer
at the Bagel Company
drinking tea
and cruizing on their WiFi

what did i find?
about five very handsome men ...
so i sent them messages
in a little while
got a call from one of them..

a professor in Germanic studies

variations on the language through out time
Yiddish and Dutch..

he invited me to his office
-- we had great conversations about europe
... i felt my frustrations and predjudices about college kids
and i pined for Europe...
he's an olde generation American (and Canadian)
so it was strange talking with him
we were on different wavelengths..
i don't feel like this is my country
... he does.

i'm only a 3rd generation...

while i was on my knees
my phone rang...
but my mouth and hands were busy
so i let it go to voicemail

then it rang again

yet again
i missed it...
but noticed it was a call from... England.

after i left his office
walking through the woods of the IU campus
i checked my voicemail...
and it was Yacov...
offering me another house in england..


different story this time..

house out in the countryside..

anyone want to run a commune/guest house with me?
grow vegetables and grow old together?

"old dirt road
knee deep snow
watching the fire as we grow

but he scares me

... the furture scares me

i went to the bar where my sister works
and sat and drank with her
and drank and drank

and went to her car
and called N over and over and over for about five minutes

i imagined him sitting on his bed watching TV
and his eyes bulging as he heard the phone ringing... unable to pick it up.

i felt sad.

i talked with my mom a bit


i went back to the bar
and she was finished
so we went to some rather sad gay bars around town
where she flirted with the bar tenders

there were guys who wanted to meet up with me at night
or in the morning...

i decided not to.

i dreampt...

an earthquake was comming: it woke me up
i lay on the floor and felt it approaching
-- it ripped the country in half..

i was in a land cruiser
big as a city
virtual hands ripping through the soil
stealing all the gems..

-- i woke up
we drove back up here to Indiana
a few people wanted me to come and have sex with them
and i chose to be with the family
to hang with my sister
to talk with my father
to eat dinner with mom and dad at Benihana's japanese restaurant
where a group of people sit around a table with a grill
and cook the meat, cut it up
play with your food
make a show of it
right in front of you

that was nice
but i ate sushi...

always gotta be the odd one, i guess

it was cool
and i decided to stay with my mom and dad
instead of going out and getting Dick

which i could of done
still could do

but i'm here with them
and tomorrow
my mother will give me a massage
and then drive me to Dayton
visiting burial mounds on the way

i'll spend a night or two there
then head to Columbus for the week...
then a few days in Pittsburgh
then back to NYC?
maybe a night or two in Philly
depends on how the rides work...

it'll work out

back to NYC
for a week or two?

i dunno...