September 6th, 2005


just something

the massage client was interesting

in the refrigeration of the AC
i was constantly hungry...
or was it something else?

and did i feel like i was teaching? growing?
was anything good happening?

i can only hope so
but i was feeling despondant
i was feeling sad
was i the TV?

was it the Suburbs?

or the closet? (albeit Large and Decorated...)

was it the dog?

i left there sunday morning
gave another massage (imbalanced)
and then headed to see my friend Charles

only there a half hour
and out to the Bar


sweet people
and everyone was in love
and there was this over-all talk of Isolation...

beautiful kids! beautiful bears... beautiful black men dancing with me
all sorts of grabbing and swining and hopes..
met this sweet military daddy who took me out to his big Suburban..

the dirt
the desert

all the misters
the water spraying into the air
the flooded lawns

the Desert!
what is this place?
the history here

yearning for community
i felt bad that i left charles to go see Sandy
but i hadn't seen him in 5 years, nearly 6
and i had a good time with him back then..

should i tell the story?

i'm just glossing over things

i'm tired here
been tired the whole time..
like in Florida?
this heat? or all the air conditioning...

such sadness
fear, maybe
hiding from people
the car ride out here
at 100 mph
these two sweet men turned into raging assholes
shouting at every one in the meanest of ways
manic misogyny
made me retreat into myself

so now where am i?
floating in some back street in phx now
i'm flying back to indiana tomorrow
and is that a good thing?
some feeling...
just like a lot of work
i'm heading back to New York
and that makes me happy
-- i've commited to seeing my friend in Columbus
but damn
i'm happy to be heading back to New York...

though i have no idea where i am right now
nor where i belong
i hope that changes when i get home..
i hope it's Home...

spiritually intelligent

i stayed up all night talking with Sandy

he got me stoned
and i yammered away at him for hours...

he interviewed me
asked me "where'd you get your start?"
i told him of my past
i talked a talked...

he came out of it saying
"you are the most articulate spiritually intelligent person i have ever met... and that's saying a lot"

he published a book with a shaman friend of his called "Smart Boys"
she'd previously written a book called "Smart Girls"
-- he's worked with lots of people
so i took it as a compliment



i've always wanted to be articulate
AND spiritually (and otherwise) intelligent

laugher and forgetting

sometimes i dog-ear books
and sometimes i lose them
sometimes i give them away

the copy of Milan Kundera's "The Book of Laugher and Forgetting" i have
i found at heartwood, for free
and haven't read it til now
-- it has lots of writing and notes in it from someone else
and though i loved the experience of reading the book
i want to pass it on (not merely because i've run out of space for carrying anything else and have been given two books yesterday)
so when/if i read it again
i can read a bare copy.

i'm giving this copy to Sandy-- a guy i met about 6 years ago at Lazy Bear
-- it's been a good night of conversation.

these are the lines i had dog-eared
but the first four chapters were so amazing i could read them over and over...
well... the whole book.

"Once the writer in every individual comes to live (and that time is not far off), we are in for an age of universal deafness and lack of understanding."

"... love is a constant interrogation. In fact, i don't know a better definition of love."

".. she feels that love is a privilege and all privileges are undeserved and that why she has to pay."

" Until now, her sexuality had been occupied by love (I say "occupied" because sex is not love; it is merely the territory love marks out for itself) and therefore had a dramatic, responsible, serious component to it, something Tamina watched over with anguish. Here witht he children in the realm of the insignificant it finally reverted to what it had orginially been: a toy for the production of sensual pleasure.
Or to put it another way, sexuality freed from its diabolical ties with love had become a joy of angelic simplicity."