August 28th, 2005

tending fire

night notes

burn out
-- to burn a prairie or forest
so fertile for new growth
sterile, like antibacterial soap;
hypochondriac's houses
sterile makes very fertile for new growth
bacterial or otherwise
ripe for mono-culture
to blanket, take over.


vascilate so much...
trying to decide what's best for them
and for everyone else...
while trying to take all the details into consideration

"conservatives" just take things from the Assumed Right position
and forces action from that sturdy stance


that thing about Kari
and why not quit smoking pot?


imagine a better world where all actions aren't made from fear
anything that's not US is going to try and take from us and kill us
so let's take everything from them and kill them first!

outside of the light in the night
at the edge of the darkness
wait the scary monsters

something better?


i love giving massage
and blow jobs

i love having sex
i love it love it love it.

all the time?

right now!

i love Gene and Jim
push my own boundaries of OUT
-go figure
good for them
and me.



an old friend of mine lives in Prague now.

in the way that i met him to have sex with him

and our relationship changed
to teaching him about yoga and giving him massages

to remembering sexuality

to and intimacy through distance we only have through Friends

a Friend after the fact
a roll-switch we weren't expecting...

do we still want eachother for help and instruction? Yes.
do we still think of eachother lustily? Yes.
but we also hold eachother as anchors for some sort of pleasant memory
we want to find eachother and bouy ourselves near eachother to return to a happy time...

he lives in Prague now
and i'll visit him soon, i'm almost sure
i can feel the momentum pulling back to europe:
the Winter! the spring?

i wonder if he knows what the word "Litost" means...
i know he's studying Czech
but how quickly do we learn the intricate words that don't really relate to our own culture?

perhaps faster
as i learned Saudade in Portuguese shortly after arriving
as it expressed something they often term as "untranslatable"
: the feeling we get from missing someone, a type of sadness
not necessarily lonley...
what is the word we would use in English?

Litost , apparently, is something similar
expressed as "Grief, sympathy, remorse, and an indefinable longing"
not necessarily applied to a person or relationship, but about one's whole life.
he said it's an emotion of Youth
what we use to justify terrible actions we inflict upon other people because of our own self misery
what we use to seek out love as the ultimate panacea...

sits a boy
a friend of my brother's...
he married a girl named "amanda" a few years ago
-- i know her: Blond hair, big eyes: loud mouth.
we were in high school together, she and he a year older.
their marriage lasted about two years
and was pretty traumatic
yet now
he has another girl from the same town
who did not go to our school
who has the same name, and blond hair (not quite as...)
not Such big eyes, not Such a loud mouth...

What can we do against our Patterns?

She's injured, his new Fiancee (yes, already)
and, thus, he needs to help her

both with Litost?

this amazing Amanda blond girl will somehow patch that feeling in him
as so many relationships
she gets into it
and says (through some action of God)
"if you want me to care-take your wounds... you must also do mine"

i've had a few lovers... and friends
that have typified our relationship at its start like this
"hello, i love you.. i'm very sick/injured-- please take care of me"

since i've been a "professional masseur" i have less of this... a lot less of this
-- as some psychic woman told me years ago
"we all have gifts... and we all have to use them... if you don't find a way to use them professionally for your own growth and income... you'll manifest needing to use it in your personal relationships... which almost always gets messy"

but i remember times i've asked this of people
and they have of me
drowning in Litost
we demand our lover be the panacea for our own self-misery...
and, because of how miserable we are...
and how our Litost is different than that of our lover (for their strengths to our weaknesses is how they can heal us)
we become increasingly angry when we see them accell and move freely in the places we are weak and broken...

. . .

i feel i recognize this very strongly as a motivation for "Love"
and i have denied that action/reaction for many years now
which leaves me wondering, often
when i get into relationships with people
Why and What are we to do?

how can we be useful for eachother?
how can our love actually pull us out that swamp?
create levees... install windmills... pump it out
enough sun to dry things a bit.. and create growth?

(even though surprise hurricanes will eventually come..)

i sludge along through the swamps on my own
hanging out with friends on hammocks
smoke a pipe
eat some berries
enjoy the company
and trudge off apart from eachother
wondering what we can do for ourselves
knowing one or the other of us strongly wants the help of the other...
but how to ask? and what for?

Youth... ah Youth...
until we're 40
until we're 56
until we're dead...

up to michigan

i'm up at The Cabin right now:
my father bought a big hunting lodge when i left for england 10 years ago
it's in quite nice shape now
about 30 dead animals around the house
mounted on the walls
-- they watch over us.

acres of forest around us
against 1000 acres of national forest behind that
through the rivers
for fishing
and canoeing...
while the small town of Baldwin holds great icecream
interesting small-town-folk
slight ghetto lifestyle
and reminders of Idlewild, the end of the underground railroad up here
once a Black Mecca of the arts and freedom...

my father and his friends
my brother and his friends
have been up here this weekend Fly Fishing.
(and drinking)

i left Indiana on thursday with my dad and his buddies
drove up in a caddilac...
they dropped me in LaPort so i could work on a massage client there
-- an interesting fellow
-- his aura was amazing
so open..
i had to ask him if he knew he was psychic
and he admitted to it
but in a tone that expressed how much it bothered him
-- he reminded me of another old friend of mine from michigan:
a big man, very big man
perhaps the largest man i've ever worked on
and i was very tired
but it felt pretty good
soothing him with energy
and skin...

i hope his muscles felt better too..
he told me how relaxed he felt the next day:
the first massage i've ever done an hour at night
and then another in the morning
(well, there was that guy outside of boston...)

he rented a hotel
and in the morning
he drove me up to Grand Rapids...

Gene and Jim
these two guys: i love them.
(in so many ways)

they are 61 and 73, respectively
and Jim is my playmate, where as Gene is my Sister.

they both love telling stories
that night
i met up with a boy i met down at Short Mountain
and after some cuddling and conversation
took he and his friend back to Gene and Jim's house...
kinda to show them off as a wonderful wealth and entertainment...

G&J talked non-stop for nearly four hours
but i felt my friends were, over all, interested

G&J came from modest families
and built up their current wealth from their own hands...
they have been together for 38 years
and love eachother as family
sleep separately
enjoy bickering
but also enjoy expressing how indelible they are in eachother now

they drove me up to my father's cabin yesterday
and Gene was, his usual self, fully out and loud...
he was very attracted to my dad and his big-bellied friend
cruising them and pushing the energy around
i felt my own "boundaries" being pushed
as i've done my best to agree with my father's comfort level
and don't push his buttons about homosexuality
to have G&J talk with him openly about their Gay Bath House businesses...
seeing my father's face glaze over and body tension rise
then subside...
and noticing my own tensions doing the same...

Gene, openly, asking me why i'm not built like my father and brother (big bear men)
exposing my own, perhaps, sources of attraction for men like themselves...

it left me feeling pretty giddy and spun...

then i was alone with Family again (the other kind)
and dinner was made
my potatoes weren't all that good by the time we ate them
and i felt out-of-place
and insecure...
sitting around the fire only deepened that
as my brother and his friends discussed drunk-dialing eachother
and the days of College...
-- i couldn't relate
and when i came to speaking with my brother
a familiar dynamic arose yet again
where he felt i was being condescending and haughty
and i was doing my best to relate and understand
... but from an "above position, looking down"
because i'm just not in the same kind of life they're in...
i would prefer to say "from a different position to another"
but it really was more like the former
though i...

i walked away to let things cool
past the security light
to the road
to see Mars...
not as large as the moon (thank god)
but beautiful and bright
the moon close behind it
stars falling through the sky
and a strange lime-green northern lights creeping down from up north to show off for us... first time i'd seen that

it made me feel nice to go to sleep
even if there was a coyote skin on top of the bed before i lay down...

and this morning...
i only pray that New Orleans isn't totally obliterated: i've not seen it yet and would like to...