August 7th, 2005



" it's the past...
it's in the Bracken...
Did something happen?

i'm like a butterfly
in a case
and i'm a number
in a drawer...

but NO
i don't remember..."

when i posted that post about the terrible "good-bye" to Sheridan
Trevis' girlfriend from 10 years ago commented on it:
she had googled the net looking for him
and found him with me
a spider
a keeper of the past

i gave her his number
and passed on...

on the phone with my brother a few moments ago
he told me he went to his 10 year high school reunion a few weeks ago
and this girl named Courtney came up to him and asked him about me
(didn't know his name: "Are you Nick's brother?")

-- she wasn't surprised at the life i've led
then she paused and said
"is he still hanging around with Sheridan and Trevis?"

-No, he said

"good, i didn't think he would be: they were always so poisonous to him and he never saw it... i'm glad he finally did"

the Hermitage

When i got back up here
i was still sick
but it was only a day or two before i felt much better...

the hot springs had a lot to do with that...

we all went together on tuesday
and i was totally shot after the first dip in the hot water

fell asleep in the sun
everything just moved through me

waking up that first morning with the sun burning the trees: what a gorgeous sunrise...

then the the hot springs
and the greasy french loving in Leo's cooking
i felt so ... nurtured...

yet a bit OUT
my two friends were able to be playful/sexual
and my throat was still ripped up
and lips were still raw

so i had to wait...
and when Leo left Wednesday night
i declared a Fast

the next day N and i went to the Hot springs again
i ran into people i knew
california folk...
N was annoyed
and i just took it in stride
these people are annoying..
but they are who's out here
they come from the midwest and dream their biggest dreams
talk of being possessed by Kali all the time
and ghost written novels
the hot springs
the goddess
it's so beautiful
i didn't care
i just felt so good...

just felt so much better
and N cooked for me that last night of food
so nice to be nurtured by him as well
we slept together out under the stars

the Fasting (started on Friday, i guess)
also feels so good
the challenge of not eating
of wanting to share food with N
of wanting to eat!
everything becomes so scrumptious

yesterday we went into town
i drove him around kelseyville and lakeport
took him to the supermarket
where i was taunted by all the food
AND all the hot men
the farmers... the hunters
the guys from the trailer park

hot men here
but they'd kill me!
i left
went and sat in the car...

that night (last night)
i went through many of the photographs...
many repeats
lots of trash
quite a few files that weren't of me
but were Trevis's... maybe Sheridan's...
all those kids from highschool
the kids we used to be!
the kid i was...
even before that
stuff i must have stolen from my mother
5 years old

my teacher...
kids i've not talked to in years
kids i've grown apart from
all of them...

it made me feel really delicate
i tried to look up one on the internet
.. couldn't find him
i called trevis and left a message
letting him know i had all these photos that were his, now
and a journal...
did he want them?

just a voice mail.. with Morrissey singing "You Wonder How... We've Stayed alive til now...we'll let you know, oh, but only if... you're really interested"

yeah, how?

Eli called
and we talked for an hour or so
while he drove through LA
on his way to the Movies

we talked about relationships
and others
what that means

i got to be honest about my anger with him
without being mean
i got to hear myself in compassion and friendliness
he complimented me on how good i was being to myself
protecting myself from him

it just left me feeling really crazy

the Past....

i had to shake off after i got off the phone
run to a tree
and let it go

then have a conversation with nayland
in my strength
and insecurity...
so scared as i can be...

but it's alright:
We're Friends.

and i'm sad i'm not in New York now...
i miss it
and i won't be back for a month!

i'm here
going through the past
plotting the future
wondering what to do
what is right...

knowing i have to make a new scenario for myself in the city
given myself the time already
now do it
so i have a new trellis to grow on
not just blow away from

so much yet to learn


it's happening.


Leo comes back tonight
and we head off to the city on Tuesday


i just back dated some journaling about the last week and a half
in two long entries
as opposed to the two short ones i posted for today

oh, this makes three.