July 15th, 2005

wiped out

the week in ptown

Well, people did a good job of making me feel better

i was feeling very insecure the whole week
what can i say?
i'm a jealous guy...
it's embarrassing, but true
[perhaps another good reason i'm not partnered]

being with Stephen was great
like having a brother there
a sister
a companion
and, though not a rival
but another option.

he felt something similar
commenting many times on how everyone we met together lumped us together
both not easily classifiable
people assigned us each other's traits all the time.

i'm the more extreme
so people often enjoying talking with me
and i'm the more forward
so i went out and grabbed the ones in front of me
but he has a different sort of Fortune than i
certainly did this weekend
and got to play with a few guys that i'd really WANTED to play with... just couldn't get it together with

it's all in the timing...

and seeing that we've know SO many men in common
i'm sure this is not the first time or the last time...
he's already had more substantial relationships with a few guys i wish i could have
-- just came along a few years too late

but HEY!
that's what friends are for.


i feel sad.
being in the house i was staying at was kinda sad.
we were staying with a friend that we both knew slightly
who had a bit of turmoil
his house was a crazy wreck
the first day we arrived
we went through the "guest room"
which was his Past Lover's Studio (he'd killed him self almost two years ago)
the artwork was incredibly painful and unsettling for me
schizophrenic hallucinations and writing scrawled on the walls
-- cigarettes biting bloody fingers with Nicotine Patches on the arms and other bitten and bandaged fingers...

i reiki'd the room
i smudged it
but the whole house had it...
i should have done better...

ahh. the emotional sways.
lust and longing...
i kissed a few people
did a massage in the bar last night
shoulders, chest, arms and hands
then my heart-connection reiki thing
this guy was so open and sweet
cancer, birthday tomorrow

i wish i could connect with everything all the time!

another nice moment

S and D and i were walking around town
... Wednesday
the wind was really heavy
and it was a bit cold!
D took us to a friend of his guest house
who had a hot tub!
i flirted with this handsome man from Montana
and he got in the tub with us...
we all just kinda talked and cuddled and soaked

then S and i kinda stumbled over him
getting his number
and flirting
i felt kinda bad for D
but... he dealt.

and there was this really handsome guy i saw on the street
i thought he was straight..
just had that look to him..
but ... He wasn't!
i courted him for a while to make sure
then he made himself pretty clear
and asked me back to his room for some wine


good sex (four times!)
and good cuddling
which is what i wanted that day anyway...
the only time i played in a bed..
the rest of my sex this week was at Herring Cove
the nude beach...
just walking the dunes...
doing... Community Service...

over 10 different guys in the three days i was there...
i LOVE sex out in nature!

and i got to show off, do yoga back bends (always makes them cum pretty quick)
and even found a beautiful italian man to connect with
swim in the waves
-- ahhh..
"but i'm a married man"


Last night
i made it a late night..
standing outside of Spiritus Pizza
flooded by all these bears
some i knew from Europe... NYC...
came up to me and introduced himself
so as to keep me from feeling invisible
(as i'd expressed at the begining of the week in my LJ)
which i thought was very sweet
and he knew another guy i had spent the evening talking with
who was friends with his lover
Small world
a guy i used to talk with on a line a lot
who's from the town i lived in in England when i was 17
showed up
we talked and hugged
and i walked home
feeling like i was missing something
but... having to accept
what i got.
out the morning

leaving the cape...

i'm on the ferry leaving Ptown
a very strange feeling
one that i KNOW many people are familiar with
but i haven't felt for about 10 years
(well, the last time i remember feeling it: it was very strong... returning from England)
that... Leaving Magic feeling.

i guess i just took a Vacation.


Back to EveryDayLife.
tending fire


Leaving Ptown today
i was wracked with sadness
terrible feeling
like i was making a horrible mistake: Leaving.
like i was leaving love behind
losing something...

every step i took away felt the same thing
in Boston
after the second client
heading into the bus station
the same pull/pang

What is this?
who is it?

i didn't fall in love this week...
oh, but i wanted to..

there were certainly a few
in the streets
not the beach
in the streets
in the bars
in the...
those fucking hungry ghosts
gnawing at my heels

the deamons of gay culture
begging for the perfect wife/husband
to save my life.

"but ya gotta have Devotion"
even the bus station says to me
i get here at 7:45 and have to buy a ticket for 9pm
i walk to the train station: no better option
and when i get back
at quarter after 8
the line is just as long as it was before
but now
for the 9pm bus
tons of people heading to New York City
where we all wanna be

now we're getting in at 2 am if we're lucky
will the roads be open?
i'm going to have to get cabs anyway if i'm going to want to make the show i wanted to see tonight
yet again
paying 10 or 15$ to only see a few moments of someone
late night performers
all the gay boys

it's busy
this life is busy...

but yeah, i decline
i mean
i'm sorry
that is
no, i'm not spending adequate time enriching myself
not with the Networking (spinal body work)
not with the piano lessons
or language classes

i'm not being devotional to myself
or my lover

i hear him
and i hear Eli saying
"it will not work like that, dominic:
you will not find a lover that will make you stop having sex with the multitudes...
you will have to stop first and then the lover will come to you"

and rumi whispers

and i'm not being devotional
but i'm sitting of the floor of the bus station at 25 past 20 waiting
not really out of devotion
but because
ya just have to wait

anything else would be a mistake

what is that tug?