sewing up the crotch in my pants
-- actually making a change, being affective...


being incredulous that i could affect change in my life

ok.
i'm getting on the plane soon
returning to NYC

hopefully i'll have time to write about all of this on the plane
and post it when i land...

Ah!
what a week!
wednesday to wednesday..

i had a slow morning in cocoa beach
with conversations about the future
cleansing...
eggs...
oils...
shells

in a spacious way...
we made our way to the Greyhound station in Melbourne
which had moved to the airport
and was about an hour late

down the coast...

i was quite surprised by all the storms
thought it was sunny and hot in Melbourne
it was only moments down the 95
that the sky was grey and thick and spitting on us...

there was a part of me that wondered about coming to florida in late june...
but i figured all those sagely men of the Celebration of Friends should have known what they were doing...

indeed!
storm season: it's what makes it a tropical climate... to rain in the summer.

i took a taxi from the bus station to the hotel
and arrived exactly the same time as Jim and Gene..

many handsome men by the front door
but i walked right by them
to be greeted by Jim
waiting by the front door
on the inside
waiting for Gene.

we checked in
and i was impressed by Embassy Suites...

i'd not been in one of these since i was... probably... 14

we used to have "rich" relatives visit us
( i later understood it was part of the middle-class ideal to appear "rich" -- none of us actually were )
(barbie-tale-ideals)
they would stay at the E.S. in Indianapolis
and we would spend as much time there as we could: it seemed so exotic!

this surpassed my childhood memories:
it was like a jungle in th ecentre
huge ceiling
up 12 floors
the couryard was a maze of bridges and paths through a jungle
waterfalls and rivers

cute

commenced with cuddling
hugging Jim and hearing is stories was great
lots of laying in bed and talking...
i gave him a massage too..

the days passed fluidly...

i wasn't feeling overly sexual
it was mostly about watching and wondering
i felt like a child
also like an exotic fruit
many people stared at me
wondered...

i had to make introductions mostly
but them men mostly responded very favourably when i did...

some big beautiful beards...
many men refering to themselves as "santa clause"
quite a few of them played Him in the malls of their homes...

Livonia Michigan!
yes!

(laughs)

the next morning i went to the Vendor Mall
there was a guy from the upper peninsula of michigan
who had moved to Australia 40 years ago
and now delights in fucking married men
and filming it!
i had found some of his video's when i was downloading porn a few months ago
and when i went to his website
i decided to buy his two DVDs
but then noticed he'd be coming to the Celebration
so wrote him to ask if he'd be selling his wares there
he said Yes
so i waited to buy them in person..

he was a very friendly fellow
so handsome
we have the same taste in men, though
so i bought his discs so i could enjoy seeing him in his sexual pleasure
beauty
heat

he gave me a free disc as thanks

Sweet!

Gene had been talking with me about playing with older guys
and i told him the story of the herbal erection tea i'd made for Leo
He Wanted Some!
so we all went out to Whole Foods to buy
Yerba Mate
Damiana
and Oatstraw
-- and i showed him how to make it in the coffee maker

then Jim took me to haulover beach
layed naked from about 3:30 to 6:30
and went home with a big sexy italian {Sagittarius} guy who i'd talked with on line
but now his beard was died in a charcoal fu-man-chu against his natural grey
it looked silly
but
admittedly
hot

he took me home and made me Putanesca
i tried, but failed, to make garlic mayonaise as i was taught in Brazil
we ate
cuddled
slept

it felt really nice
i kept feeling bursts of pleasure which made me want to say
"i love you"

but i'm hesitant down here..

he dropped me off at the beach in the morning around 9
on his way to work at the Salon
(hmmmm, hairdresser)

and a guy i'd talked with last year said he'd come meet me on the beach
so we hung out together

he's from long island originally
but used to summer here
at the age of 15
he started an affair with a married woman aged around 40
and made a huge scandal
she left her husband (a rich doctor)
and married him
then divorced him
so she could still get her alimony benefits
though she still lives with him.

a performer, piano player
for a while they toured together: he sining.

he's lived here all these years
(he's only in his mid 30s now...)
and hardly ever comes to the ocean

so we swam
and talked

i practiced my skills at underwater blow jobs
but it's difficult in the ocean
-- all those waves jostling us about
and the salt water!


many guys from the Celebration were there
and this guy i'd seen around the hotel
seen in photos from last year
and seemed to recognize was there
he bumped into me in the water while i was playing around with my other friend
and grabbed my dick with an exagerated cuban surprise... big eyes
-- we got eachother going...

ahhhhh
Haulover Beach...

the day was lovely
my italian friend returned to pick me up around 12:30
and i felt nice and cooked

a few hours later
the burn set in
which i was surprised by
but i guess it's the solstice sun...
ouch!

he took me back to the Hotel
and i decided to take things easy
did a massage any way
then hung out with people

after the massage
i walked back to the hotel
and stopped by a plaza that had the artworks of my italian friend in a Framing shop
and noticed an eye-glass shop that had frames i really liked...
so i made an appointment for the next morning...

back at the hotel
Gene told me about a sex party happening upstairs
a guy i knew from NYC was hosting it ( a guy introduced to me by a friend from SF)
-- after the massage
i sat on the toilet with my cell phone
playing Solitaire...
i've had a lot of trouble finishing the game lately
keep having to fold...
-- everything to me can be an oracle
and in my mind
i strongly felt a voice
"fucking is not good for you right now: STOP. don't get fucked and don't fuck other people"
i think it's coming up as very important
i have to stop by the time Saturn moves into Leo
which is July 17th
this is a challenge for me
but i agreed to it
as i did
the deck all made sense
and i beat the game of solitaire for the first time in days.

OK.
clear message.

still
at that sex party that night
i fucked a guy who i found so CUTE
a big polar bear of 73 or so from near Buffalo, NY
and got fucked by the hot cuban guy i'd met at the beach
(who actually lives in NYC)
we was a spectacle
the whole party stopped and watched
(so i was told by other people... i was too busy to notice)

[ "will i complete the mystery of my flesh?" ]

the next day
i walked back over to the plaza
and went to my eye appointment rather early in the morning...

i'd been having irritation in my eyes since i had arrived in Orlando
and at this point
the left one was completely red and swollen
and i was a bit worried:
was this pink-eye?
i was having some crusties...

i'd seen an add on TV while i was staying in Cocoa about a pill you can take to fight "dry-eye" by making your eyes tear more...
in the list of side affects i heard them say "we don't know how this can affect people with Herpes in the eye"
and i remember being shocked by that: i didn't even know that could happen!

was what was happening to my eye an hypochondriac response to this worry?

the doctor took a look at it and told me we couldn't do the refraction that day
my eye was too swollen
and it looked Viral...
so he gave me some anti-inflamitory drops
and a perscription for anti-biotic drops
i had to go pick up from the CVS

i felt depressed all of a sudden
sad and annoyed
angry at Florida for doing this to me

that passed pretty quickly when i got a great Açai smoothie for really cheep right next to the CVS
and watched the hunky mexicans doing welding nearby...

then i sauntered back to the Hotel
my eyes already feeling better from the drops...

i walked out to the pool area
and ran into this guy i'd talked with on line about a year ago
who'd driven down from the other shore of FL
BIG italian {virgo}
bigger by 50 pounds than the other big italian
(and there was another Big italian i was flirting with by the pool that Gene had suggested i chase... he had also died his grey beard with a fu-man-chu... who knew?)
this guy just got back from NYC
where he'd hung out at the Dugout and played the Bear-Super-Star
as he'd just been in American Grizzly magazine as a cover star
... he gave me his magazine
and i knew every guy in it!
i felt like a bear whore...

and spent the next 24 hours with him
he was very hot
and i got the "i love you" feelings with him as well
but, again, didn't vocalize it.

he was very italian
in that controlling arrogant kind of way
plus
he made harsh judgments of everyone
-- his virgo was a bit exacerbating

when i came back from his hotel to the host hotel
Gene saw his magazine that i had left in the room and immediately hit me up
"where is that guy? he's SO HOT!"

yeah
we'd done some photo shoots
had a good time..

but i felt a bit outside of it...


i've been noticing lately
that when i'm getting fucked
i have MORE energy than usual
and when the cock comes out
its a noticeable change in ecstasy
i wondered if that's like getting addicted to it?
it worries me...
i gotta stop and strengthen my root chakra
(engaging mulabanda right now...)



the last day of the event
i decided to just spend with him
cuddling and talking
coming to grounding

they both left the hotel at 7am on monday morning

and i went up and knocked on the door of one of the many men that i would have liked to have played with...
but hadn't got around to.

he had his part-time-boy-friend sleeping in bed
so he said he'd meet me down at my room

what a beautiful good-bye romp!

then my ride arrived:

a guy who had written me through the massage web site
and separately...
he was very excited to meet me
saying he'd read much of my journal
-- we had a lot to talk about on the hour+ drive out to Shark Valley Everglades preserve...

we got there about 10am
and were ambushed by mosquitos!
i was shocked!
so much so
that i acquiesced to using bug spray
which i haven't done in years!

then we began our walk...

it was very reminiscent of the south african Veld...
long views that went on forever...
the bugs kept us moving
but we stopped many times to enjoy the fish and flowers
the beautiful birds...
and the Gators!

a bunch of babies...
protected by their 7 foot mother...
(grin)

a 6 foot guy playing in the shallow water about five feet away from me
nuzzling the ground
rubbing his nose
like a playful dog...
.. with huge razor sharp claws and teeth..

the loop through the park was 15 miles
and he said he had walked it before
... but not this time of years

the bugs and the heat made it very difficult
not to mention
about 5 miles in
i got huge blisters on my heels from my sandals...
i took them off and walked barefoot on the grassy shoulder of the path...

the observation tower at 6.5 was beautiful.
a cool breeze
no bugs
we both decided we'd catch the tram back instead of walking the rest of the way:
it was another 8 miles
and being 1 o'clock
it was hot [ashell]

we sat and talked

the phone rang!
--- when i returned from Brazil into Miami last year
i had most intentions to hang out with this Cuban guy i'd talked with for a year or so
but when i arrived
i couldn't get him on phone or email

he called the last day i was in town last year
appologizing
telling me his father had died
and he was very sorry.

Ah..

he calls me in the everglade
crying
flustered
tells me he has to miss our date that night:
his father has died...

i say
' didn't your father die last year? '
and i had to bite my tongue not to be mean
which was true?
either of them?
grrrrr

whatever

i then got a call from another man
who i'd talked with on line since 1997
but had never met.

a few months ago i found him on the net again
and saw he had moved down to Lauderdale
so was excited to meet him on this trip
-- we made a date for that night.

when the tram came
they told us we'd have to pay $13.50 to take it back
so we had them call the ranger
who'd pick us up for free
then we walked on
continuing the path
until he came and drove us back to the lot

we drove directly to the beach!
clouds come in
waves huge
we went swimming
-- this guy was a native
and hadn't been in the ocean for YEARS!

in the water
we met another native who spent a lot of time there
and really wanted to fuck me
-- i just DOESN'T work in water!
we played though
all three of us
that guy was the only one who came...
TWICE!
i practiced my underwater BJ and felt like i figured out how to do it
he was happy!

while we, all three, held eachother in the huge waves
pellicans dove over us
-- lots of fish in the water...

it was beautiful and memorable...
we stayed a little over an hour and he drove me home.

cooked me dinner
and we ate and talked...

it was difficult
trying to explain to him the "truth" about me
-- i didn't want to be mean or overly judgmental
but i tried to his explain that he didn't have anything that attracted me
his life was very Spacious
and i wondered if it was his work?
a financial advisor...
always dealing with money
i often feel the fallacy of money is
you take your vital life energy an transmute it all into cash
what use is that?
-- trying to explain that he didn't create anything to share..
his house was white: walls, ceiling floor
dog
just not attracted
nothing wrong
not for me
how to say that without sounding judgmental?
even now..

rejection is painful
but
sometimes
necessary.

he drove me up to M's house
Hairy Pop
a guy i'd talked with for Years...!
first time meeting...
His Leo energy sucked me in...
back from those days when i loved only Leos...
he took me in his arms and everything he said sounded like the truth...

"florida is filled with broken people"
he didn't say that
but it's what i heard
-- he made jokes about that's what brought him here..

all of a sudden i was obsessed with diabetes
and was explaining to him
and my italian friends
-- it seems everyone has it!
Hydrogenated oils stop you from using insulin!
poison!
doctors...
what do say?

anyway
i had two days with him
of subtle conversation..
he said so much less than everyone else
said it slowly...
said it with so much meaning and truth...

-- he's from virginia...
spent his life as a Fire Fighter...

beautiful man
but what do we do ?

they asked me when i'd be back to florida
even the people on the beach
"we'll be waiting for your return"

just a slight burn
settled into a nice tan
got me a new pair of glasses
after another massage client that was also a Leo
great sex.. like the good old days with...

a faery emails me that day about Robert!
"i had sex with him and he left a bunch of stuff in my tent!
i emailed him many times and he never responded... does he hate me?"

' no.. it's just what he's like ... '

arrogance and non-compassion
we're all there
cycling through...

so strange
this morning
the beautiful french/italian swiss boy going through bear411 and bitching about everyone he saw...
ah
the beautiful and young of Lauderdale
and the old and wise
who i came to visit

different beauties...


well
thanks
thanks Florida
for the sun and sea
the conversations
people's lives...

i appreciate it.
see you later...

i just landed...
late

sat at the terminal
posted the journal entry i wrote when i first got there
and the one i wrote on the plane
backdated them
so you have to click on my journal to read them

but this is just to let you on my friend'slist know

i'm home.

Hello New York City

i've missed you!

now:
to meet up with my Australian friend over in Terminal 7
-- we're off to Broadway!