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empty and frantic @ 10:00 pm

being up in the sky makes me feel empty
like i'm only composed of dirt when i'm really close to it
and when i'm soaring through the air
i'm just wind

i feel empty
maybe it's just reading Robert Glück's book "Denny Smith"
the short tryptich called "Three from Thirteen"
maybe it's just being that age in that place he grew up (the suburbs in the Valley of southern california) back when he grew up
so empty
the line:
"... I can't imagine a place for myself in the world, I hope the world imagines it for me."

i feel angry
and empty
i feel judgemental

talking with Bob a few weeks ago
i felt like i was being sultry
as if i were trying to seduce him
but he didn't want me for my physical beauty
he'd only want me for my brains
"... Medici wore pearls with amethyst..."

i want my best friend

i thought of Eli as i walked through Jackson Heights today
got a new cell phone
missed Eli
wanted to call him and just be his friend

and on the airplane
i wanted to land in Minneapolis and just talk with an old friend
wanted him to be waiting for me there at the gate

instead
i'm crammed on this plane
when i've gotten so used to JetBlue with no 2nd class
this airline does it's best not to mention the hierarchy over the PA
but the word-play annoys me even more
and i'm looking across the aisle at the poor skinny girl with the clothes that make her look like a robot, studying Forensic Science, a million MtV stickers in her text-book, super-cool spray-paint-logo'd Chuck All-Star(fucker)s
i want to ask her if she feels bad that her life has been decided for her by Television
then started thinking about Robert
and all the bitchy cruel things he's said to me in the last few years
the few words he's said to me
so angry at me for leaving him
so angry at him for not being present to me

angry
empty

and being judgemental makes me fart

maybe i don't really feel this way
maybe i'm just tired

maybe this is how it feels leaving the womb of New York City
my new home
while i'm in the air
nowhere...
 

circling... @ 11:00 pm

as we started to land in Minneapolis
the pilot fucked up the distance
the plane shook
as it slowed down and neared the ground
then burst forward
taking off again up into the air
-- we missed the strip

circling around Minneapolis was crazy
it struck me with a wonder...
flying out of San Francisco...
Flying over Chicago...

there are so many cities
like São Paulo
going on forever in every direction

count up each person
each identical house
how many are there?
why so many?
how much bigger and sprawlier are they gonna get?

when i land in Billings
will it be just as big and unforgiving of nature?


the plane taking me there is smaller
i feel like an old friend when i get on board
i smile
having waited til the line died down
writing on this lap top
scurrying down the hall

here i am on the plane now
two seats on the right, three on the left
i decide not to sit in my assigned seat
to take up an empty row in the back
but taxiing drives me crazy:
i'm right next to the engine
it warbles and moans
and i can't take that much resonating magnetics and noise
as soon as the plane stabelizes in the air
i flee to the middle of the craft
taking up an empty aisle seat without explination to the poor business man by the window:
i must.


Where'd the next Story Go?
"Miss American Pie"

Mr Glück's book took another turn
and suddenly he was humble and fumbling
Human as i know him
not trapped in a hole as a child
as both of us were
but are no longer.

this story talked about witnessing it
and having high hopes for it.

Onward.
 

i'm retrograde too @ 11:23 pm

is this OK?
i am sorry
but i can't seem to respond to email right now

it feels safe writing to you

no one...

i'm writing a letter to myself for everyone
i want a bit of forgiveness
i've heaped a bit too much on myself
mercury is in retrograde
you will get to replies tonight.

i have 390 emails marked as "unread" in my inbox right now
meaning i may have looked at them
but couldn't bring myself to deal with them.

i have put indexing rules in my mailer
so messages from Nay and LJ comments come to separate folders
smaller number
infrequently
i can deal with that

yet still
i have three lj comments still marked for dealing with..

today i bought a new mobile phone
i am tired of running out of minutes all the time
infuriating

communication
and maybe i rushed into it
but the nice latino guy in Queens gave me a better deal than the internet was offering me
so i went for it
though i could hear the astrologer's advice in my mind's ear
"don't sign contracts during mercury retrograde"




☿ currently 8° retrograded from 14° in ♈

direct on the 12th, back at 1°
...
will return to 14° on May 1st...
happy Belatane! moving on...
 

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