February 7th, 2005

through the trees

they're coming to take me away


so i talk with people, right?
i imagine plans
i cancel them
i sit in the house and dream
desperately graple to ground and make something happen
fighting the great nothing flow of california


from the city, he calls
he says
he'll rent a car and drive up and pick me up and take me down
simple as that
be here soon
if he can


i sit in the chair and look out the window and wonder...
it's been colder today
the wind blowing...

well, if he's going to put the energy into it...
but i STILL don't know if i can make the flower business work
if i WANT to put that much energy into it...
that much energy to live in SF
which just WON'T be healthy for me...

and then there's the OTHER city
i return a phone call
the monster Aries
how long were we on the phone?
within an hour he's detailed a plan of driving out here from NEW YORK
non stop
just driving out here
how i have to get him a driver to drive with him from craiglist or... elsewhere...
pick me up
all my stuff
and drive me back to NYC


it's all just rolling

"i'll drive out there and pick you up: tomorrow"

what a rush!
i guess if i deal with anything
they want me to leave the hermitage
i understand
it's time for living

this is insane!
i'm staying right here!

but what for?
there's nothing to stay here for
if i listen to my desires
i'd much rather be in NYC than SF
i don't LIKE SF
i don't really like California
i mean
it's wonderful
there's nothing better
but it's so Breezy...
i need something more meaty

my fucking wandering and blathering...

no wonder god is laughing at me
he's confused with all my mixed messages
just what will make this little prince happy?

i'm not sure
but i'm pretty certain i need to walk there on my own two feet.
  • Current Music
    Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout-Tori Amos
through the trees

love from every direction

they love me
they call me
and they're pushing love at me

i say
"i just want a place i can call my own that isn't dependant in any way on someone else loving me and me loving them"
which is impossible:
love being the force that makes things happen, that keeps things together
even a randomn apartment i would rent
the landlord would love me
and i would love him

but it would be professional!

every oppurtunity is some beautiful man saying
"i love you"
and what that means is
"i've waited my whole life for someone like you"

and maybe i've waited my whole life too
and it's time we're together

me and me
just for a little while

or is it cowardice?

dreams together are so much more sweet...
sour, bitter, meaty.

but there is no place to go alone
it is all an effort of cooperation

so i will not get my own place of just me, eh?

it's all about the loving and the sex and the wanting and the dreaming the desires...

but when am i going to get my own place to sit and read books?
and when would i do that anyway
me: always looking for love?

i keep saying "NO"
i keep holding up my hand
biting at the bit
chomping at the door
heels kicking up dust
sitting in the chair on the phone

i'm telling them to wait
i'm trying to take this slow
trying to ebb it out
so i don't lose myself in the tide

(when that's all it's ever wanted from me)
  • Current Music
    The One You Love-Rufus Wainwright-Want Two

example of astrological understanding

Y is an Aries
his attempts to make himself happy (ego-wise, no differentation needed)
involve making rash things happen:

"i'm going to drive across america and pick you up and bring you back to NYC"

my moon is in aries

the shift to tending to my own emotions
would be from
letting other's make oppurtunities for me
and me willingly bringing my oppurunities into being.

in Reality
i am just a kid of 26

i am accustomed to living the life of "already success"
because i've had the support and assets of men in their 50's...
successful men
not rich (none of the men i've loved are monetarily rich... just in Life)
but with a beautiful house
or wonderful job
great apartment in a beautiful area of town

generally (or, how i understand it)
a kid starting out on his own
gets the sub-standard
struggles from the ground up into a place of success

i have done nothing on my own merritts
(but, has anyone?)
my credit rating is Zero
i'm working on bringing myself up to my own level of success
but i'm spoiled by living in such luxury

humble myself to my own status...

compared with those living on the laurels of their youth
coasting into the crash-landing of middle-age or old-age
stepping off the wings of the father...

of course
mentorship is a beautiful way for a boy (straight or gay) to learn lessons of life...
but to not move on from that is folley..

i wrote this in a comment to a friend:

i'm dissatisfied with how i'm dealing with what i'm being given
not that it's not wonderful and amazing
but because it's not what i WANT
i should be resting secure in just accepting that it must be what i need
coz it's coming from every direction..
but one of the main reasons i'm dissatisfied with what i'm being offered
it is what i ALREADY HAVE
just with a different person
in a different place
but it'll be the same story:

i want a different story
... or at least learn how to grow in this story
(that's the problem, i want to grow and i feel like i've outgrown this pot)
  • Current Music
    The White Trash Period Of My Life-Josh Rouse-Dressed Up Like Nebraska