January 1st, 2005

blown out

tit for tat

i tydied the house
made the bed
built a fire

and waited.

drove down the hill
and waited
came back
and was sad
felt terrible
putting my energy somewhere
and having it fall flat

i said to myself
" i never want to do that to anyone again, i hate the way this feels "


a guy i had talked with on line for most of this year
called and woke me up
asked if he could come over
(2 hours drive)

so i said "yeah"

and got up
started doing yoga
then checked my email...

on line two hours
listening to the new mix i made for a friend

i didn't hear when the guy arrived
knocked on the door
rang the bell
and called.

didn't even hear.

he left

i didn't get him on the phone til an hour later
he was so sad
but didn't express it
and i had done it

but imagine that omen
what a terrible way to start your new year
driving four hours in the foggy rainy snow
for nothing
to be missed.

i can't trust myself!
to cause such damage
i prayed
never to cause such damage again

what can we do?
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