December 12th, 2004

blown out

dreaming with my eyes open

dreams have been thick lately

i don't even remember what i woke up to yesterday
i remember it being pedstrianly important
to figure the right way to stab some one so they'd die with minimal fuss

what the fuck is that about?

but last night was the night of the new moon
and i read myself to sleep by reading the intro to Delany's "the motion of light on water"
--- he makes a distinction between what we remember and what actually happened
and how important each are.

it took a while to get to sleep
so i tuned into the energy coarsing through my body...

finding my way back to this world went like this:

i was living with my parents again
they had a huge conference centre out on a peninsula by a stormy sea
the grey and rain
the waves crashing below
the lush green

i was talking with my mother and she was asking me how my last semester at university was going
i had to admit to her that i'd hardly been going to any classes
just writing and art
or philosphy?
she didn't look dissapointed
just asked how i was enjoying them
and was i going to fail the rest of them?

my father walked in
and class was about to start

i'd not been attending classes here regularily

i was dressed in olive-drab long-johns
with a red jumper on
i was quite surprised to turn around and noticed the rest of the class was dressed in the same colour scheme
only slightly different clothing...

the class was kinda like yoga
but it was about developing discipline
about moving the body around the world
aligned with emotion and intention

i was getting lost in the motion
when i leaned out over the floor
and noticed that many of the boards had fallen into the sea

(*cut to a shot from the sea, show the cove*)

i remembered then that the penisula had a cove in it
and the ocean came right up to the floor of the house
some of the boards were 12 feet or more under water
the water was flush with the still intact boards

the rest of the students were gone
had they fallen in

i gazed down
huge floor boards
ceiling fan
glowling lightly under the dark murky ocean green
i started grabbing boards and trying to haul them up
catch them as they were breaking off and falling down

it was so dark down there
it could have gone on forever...

i had many slats of wood over my shoulders
and began to climb one of the carpeted walls
edging my fingers into the tops of the walls where the carpet curled before it reached the ceiling

the wood was falling off me
the floor was falling away
i was really tired of struggling
and just lay back on the wall

and gravity shifted for me
so i wouldn't fall
and i relaxed and rested


sometimes i sleep with my eyes open

i mentioned this to someone recently
(the german farmer who was visiting, actually: he said he used to sleep with one lazy eye open... when he was a kid ... i used to sleep walk too)
but didn't know if i still did it
coz no one had mentioned it lately

but there are few dreams i remember from the past
where what my eyes saw while i was sleeping
was incorporated into my dream

the large red-wood floor and ceiling fan was what was just above me in the bed
the fan
and the rich ceader wood of the ceiling..

i've been hauling in large boards from the old red-wood deck Leo had demolished this summer
we've been burning them
staring into the flames

the violent
of nature

what took hundreds of years to make
undone before me in only minutes; hours

so much history
so many lessons whispered if listened to

or is that just the hiss of the water evaporating?
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