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comfort @ 01:23 am

Current Music: People are Strange - Stina Nordenstam, UNKLE remix

as i left the bear party
i was walking by a BMW dealer
and laughed that even BMW makes SUVs now

what the fuck is it with the SUVs?
everyone's gotta have one
the weathly luxury car
SUV
even fucking Limos...
SUV limo parked at the gas station

what's the deal?

walking home from the bear party
i figured it's the same drive that leads me to big, strong, bukly men

Comfort.
(and protection)
 

the medicine of conversation @ 11:41 am

Current Music: People are Strange - Stina Nordenstam, UNKLE remix

i'm always happy to talk
so long as i have a good conversation partner...

i suppose that's true of any interraction i have...

i don't want it to be like twister
someone calling out confusing motions we are meant to attempt
dispite and cross eachother

i like it when it's contact-improv
when we're acrobats
high-wire
or on the backs of lions
performing for the crowd
which may just be us

anyway
i learn a lot from this
to me
it is Living
being that i translate most of living through my brain anyway
(and that which i don't translate through my brain very rarely gets OUT of me... unless someone subtle enough hears my rolls and waves of feelings)

since i woke up many years ago
i've noticed that conversations are what teach me most

doing massage is what teaches me massage
having sex is what teached me love making
talking about existential stuff
teaches me more about living

placates my worries
gives me new avenues to explore...

gemini: only valid when in relationship
conversation partner: to feed and nourish.



i came down to SF again on wednesday
and met up with someone i'd talked with on the internet for many months
so
OK
now was our time to meet
he's a young guy, 32
we stayed in the Westin St. Francis
(from one hermitage to another, eh?)
and mostly had conversation

we had a great conversation flow..
ah... Virgo...

the main medicine i got were these
(and this came from me Saying these things... though i don't often take personal credit for these revelations... they channel through me and if i'm not too busy talking to listen and understand my own voice... i learn a lot)
:
everyone has a few lives in their life.
we work really hard to be or do something for whatever reason
we build the foundations
and ride the tracks
but most people, that i've seen at least, come to a metamorphoses point
where they fly
or swim
or walk
or stumble...

but it's not necessarily a pre-meditated life change that causes this
just a "mmmm, i really need to change"
and the doors opening up out into the world.

i've been freaking out...
how have i been describing it?

' i'm under the fall Pressure '
(it happens every autumn)
not exactly depression
but that unhappiness i was talking about?
just coming from all sides
>> is your life really how you want it to be right now?<<
' NO! '

it feels very immediate and kinda painful
but this conversation medicine quelled it a bit

reminded me that i'm process of changing
and i've been a success
and i'll do this a while longer, i feel
but i'm in process
the orders are out
the angels and deamons have been called
the new scenes are being painted
and we're all excited to hear the new score.


alright
the second thing was
"languages of affection"

this i'll jog around a moment:

last night i did a porn shoot
my first
and probably my last

it was very hard for me to get into it
i was camera shy, i guess
or it was just really hard for me to be turned on in the setting
as sex to me is usually about connecting
and making people feel wonderful..

while i was giving this guy a massage on Wednesday
i kept wanting to grab the sides of this torso and just heave myself into him like a wave
crash against the bed
my beard rubbing up his furry body
the immediacy
slamming bodies together
wanting to break like the surf
flow through eachother

i felt like that a lot last night
but only after i found a key

for hours i TRIED
and TRING to be turned on is TIRING

it'd taken Sarsparilla, Oatstraw and Damiana to raise testosterone levels and make me more horney
but they just made me euphoric and speedy
i was moving fast
and enjoying the weight of my boots
i was rolling through the room
big belly rolling through the clouds

eventually
the star of the film showed up
he was the only guy who had facial hair that turned me on
not a full beard
but a long strange goatee spikey thing
with two forks
and amazing eyebrows
and blah blah blah
he flipped my switches
but he was really into leather s/m
which leaves me not only feeling like i don't know the script
but that perhaps i'm in the wrong show

however
desire leads us many strange places...

i found myself wanting him
so it happened
an i probably gave a good performance
(thinking back now...)
i figured it would be a good time to try all the yoga/sex acts i enjoy:
getting fucked while standing on my shoulders
bending over backwards to suck dick
we developed a pretty good connection
it will be interesting to see

but
back to the medicine:

this and the conversation on wednesday remind me of something that i have been working on learning about for two years (in fact, made it clear... in fact, gave me more of an undrestanding to work from)

:
There are many different languages of Affection.

last year's New Year's party at Heartwood gave me the bud
i ranted around in a heart circle about learning to love Hate
because there is nothing in the world but Love
therefore
Hate
is just a twisted way of loving
but let us not forget! IT IS LOVE

Chip grabbing my hair and shoving me against his chest saying
"motherfucker, suck it motherfucker"
is love

the beat of the flogger, tied up in hood and hand restraints
love love love

my father antagonizing my mother at every turn
is his way of just wanting to be close to her
Love



i so often take this things as malicious
destructive
painful

and sometimes they are
but so is life..

maybe nothing's malicious
that's just me afraid of... Change? connection... real connection causes... facilitates! propigates change...

destruction is necessary, yeah!
pain is part of life, yEAH!

that's alright
that's alright

so long as you Also hold me tight
and give me comfort...

i really like the language of affection where we're beaming love and healing at eachother

then radiate it to the world
 

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