November 27th, 2004


my best friends and lovers have always been inside myself

Somewhere inside me
there is a man with a big round belly

i feel him
when i'm walking down the street
taking long deep strides
my energy rolling down into my groin
from the magma centre of the world
to my belly button
i engorge
and fill the whole world with myself...
or fill myself with the whole world

it rolls in my belly
and i cannot help but let the joy of feel it all splash over my face
deep strides
feet pushing through peat of the earth
sparks of love and sensuality..

i felt him tonight between takes in the movie
while the turkey was resting on top of the oven
and my friend was on the phone

i rolled a cigarette there
walked out on the balcony
and stared at the moon
sending little smoke cignals up the night sky
that big luminous lover up there
smiling at me

trusting in someone who's always there
but always changing
and never
depends on me.

the destructors

i've been obsessed with the idea of creation lately...

it's common for kids to destroy things
like in Grame Greene's well known short story "the destructors"
to the rash of arsons and vandalisms that happen in any deralic town

empty houses get burned to the ground

these small coast town
sent back to nature
rocks through windows
fire to dry timber


we all want to create something
if not in an immortal way
"leave my mark on the world"
at least changing our environment
or interiour design

better than the comments some make
"oh, i just took a shit"
'great, production up 100%!'

as children
the easiest way to help creation along
is to prepare the way
prime the fertility of possibilty
by destroying what's blocking up the flow
the Old

taking a breath
and wonder
when does the change happen
where we switch from one crew to the next?

what i've been watching lately

tonight i watched
by Todd Haynes

last night was
"The Cockettes"

the night before
"Divine Trash"
-- a documentary about John Waters

before before?
in the last few weeks
since i got net flix
"Capturing the Friedmans"
"Porn Star: the Legend of Ron Jeremy"
"the Truman Show"
"Lumiere and Company"
"the Legend of Leigh Bowery"
"Angels in America"
part 2, before
part 1
starting with
"Some like it Hot"

our various parts

i'm always surprised at just how much acting is involved in every day life...
for me
of course
Every Life
is a very strange reality for many people

but in my Life

i'm often surprised
the roles we play for eachother

and maybe
it's just because i so often deal with gay men

and maybe
it's because i so often deal with gay men who have such similar lives to me

feel right into my desires
-- it's Men in LA who often pick up on just what it is i want
they sing me my own songs of desires
weaving the mystery and magic i often dream of
and how could they know?

it's always the men on the west coast
the little boys who ran off to live their dreams
and never came back

i spent a few hours today looking through Escort ads on line
-- there's a guy i had seen in a porn flick a few years ago... when i started watching porn again ( stopped after the age of 14 )
i found him today
(i'd had... Leads... for weeks.. but today... he came my way)
and there were pages of reviews of his performances
people stating how much they were... convinced
and how happy they were to pay

the idea of being an escort becomes more and more attractive
what more satisfying a role to play?

to Really get inside the audiance...

enough of all this distance.

it's not good enough to be a teacher
or a waiter
or a television personality

i want to taste the sweat off the flesh of the exhausted and pleased
i want to feel the sudders of bliss
of fantasies fulfiled...

perhaps i want to drink the syrum of these fantasies:
reading these reports
i realized
i never have such well-thought-out scripts

no matter what can be said of my luscivious ways
i never work from scripts
i just go into it
seeing what we can make together...

isn't that was making... love
is about?

getting in there together
becomming the ripplying of the milyway in the infinite night sky
becomming the magestic beast of prey
being hunted by an even more magestic bird of prey
talking to someone
"you know, when you just wanted to crawl inside someone? putting your entire body into them"

they stared at me blankly

fine, not the lover for me

but i knew what i meant.