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night in the lodge... and listening @ 09:46 am

when i left the injuns
i was already late to meet Lucien at the Lodge
but stopped by the Gulch
because i was down there
and still had never had a satisfying experience there
(probably never will, boy)
i saw one hot guy
but he walked out just after seeing me
-- must have missed the lunch rush
so i walked off looking for a buss
of course
no buss
i hiked up the hills all the way to sutter
then caught a buss down to Van Ness
and went into the old Scottish Rite Masonic Lodge

Lucien was in pretty High Stress mode
which i find irritating
and felt myself a bit over my head in what he wanted me to do
and what i had expected
which was very little..

i set up a light show (which i have never done before... but Lucien figured that i can figure out anything just by looking at it... which i mostly can... so did)
then helped decorate tables, stuff programs, etc...

i asked him if he needed more help
or could i possibly just lie down and rest for a bit

he said
"you don't need to relax: you are a walking meditation: you're a Yogi... you're the model of calm"

which still surprises the hell out of me when people view me like that
coz i still remember when i was a little anger-ball as a teenager
walking around screaming at people (or just screaming)
projecting all tension/fear/anger/sadness like an exploding star

now people often see me as peaceful/enlightened/calm
OK.

still, i remember
no matter how much of a mess i was
crazy
whatever
people still came to me when they needed someone to listen
and i would do that

a gift. a talent: Listening.

no matter how broken or needy i am
i can ground and help other people ground
better strangers, of course
coz my lovers i desire that service from sometimes as well
and sometimes we clash


before the i met Armistead Maupin
we danced around eachother
his new lover is a guy i met at my first Naraya
it's such a small...
ahhhmmm
seemed i knew lots of people
high society, almost
it seemed so strange
i went off to hide
but wanted to talk...
i saw timmy
and a boy named Chuck
i nibbled on the salmon and roe and margarita chicken
drinking down rum and cranberry
a glass of redwine and my stomach bit back

great to see Mark Wiegle again
dance around stage
having a great time
his cover of "Jenny, Jenny" (you know: "eight six seven five three oh ni-y-ine!") was great... "Jimmy, Jimmy", of course

but by the time everything was done and cleaned up and put away
i was exhausted yet again
at 2 am

sitting in the back seet of Jeff's small car (all crammed in yet again)
after dropping off Lucien, then Veronica
(just Chuck and i... we made out because we were in SF in the back seat of a car by ourselves at 2am... how could we not?)

but i got home to hear the lovers fighting in the bedroom
and went out on to the night porch to enjoy the night wind
wishing things could be different than that

i stayed out there til he came storming out into the living room
i walked by
he prentended nothing was wrong and asked how i was doing

"Tired"

Marty was in the bedroom
and i just hugged him
took off my clothes
and went to sleep.
 

Vertical Prose