November 8th, 2004

blown out

What are you doing right now?

maybe there it's early
maybe you're awake
had your first mug of coffee
(only a splash of scotch)

i've not gone to sleep yet
and decided i should dial-up
just to read the lyrics to a song i once loved
"only not
to be of use
--- impossible"

i just finished watching "Some Like it Hot"
coz i'd never seen a movie with Marylin Monroe in it
Jack screamed it at Tony
"not Tonight, Josephine"

which brought back the ideas of such a long time ago...
longer, before me
was Napolean refusing wife to his sex
(and how did that line become famous?)
Tori used it

and i did too.
  • Current Music
    Josephine - - Tori Amos
blown out

feeding and receiving


i've noticed many times over the last four years
that i stand off-kilter

that is
i seem to put more weight on my left leg
keeping the knee straight
tilted hips
bent right knee.

i've thought a lot about it
is it that i am disconnected from my feminine energy?
my Yin?
my reception?

it's taken a while
and i think i've come to understand it now

this year i've been noticeably doing it less
consciously willing it so
and noticing it so

i noticed it strongly
(that i was doing it, rather)

and it clicked in:
i am not receiving.
closed to reception
channel becomes hard
only useful as pilar
not tentacle nor grass
more like trunk of tree
not like dancing boy

why's this?

my lover of sky and storm
told me last month that it concerns him that i am so comfortable being around people who devour me
and he'd like me to spend more time with people who feed me
(we feed eachother, he and i)

the situation i'm in now
i feel more like i'm being devoured:
this man is so hungry!
we all are, really
the earth has so many beautiful things to feast on
and i am a specific nutrient, i am
and only some enjoy the taste
and those that do
are often starving for it

the imbalance of this is
when i am around people so hungry
perhaps i am scared by this? this lack... this hunger...
i shut down reception around them
... perhaps i feel they will sneak in through my Yin channel and drain me?
(old fear)
don't i have saftey valves against this?
-- i feel i must be on defense!

like performing too much at a faery gathering or living in community
must retreat
forms shell
keeps me safe
but also seperate
less fed, nourished, connected

stopping life
makes for stone
tilted hips
hard left leg

stand strong
spread wide

get on with it!

thank you love.
  • Current Music
    as time goes by --- billie holiday