July 29th, 2004


skeleton of a few days

let me get back to documenting
just so you know
in my paper journals
i rarely ever wrote about what actually happened
the events, i mean
but i am specifically trying to do that here
so i write my inspired little thought things
and then
the events

sometimes they come together.

Right now
i'm sitting in my parents house in Indiana
but where did i leave the tale?
back in LA
waking in Rico's house
where did that day take us?

i watched that movie:

invited out to the bar for the sunday beer bust
but couldn't bring myself to it
just can't stand bars right now
and in LA?

so i lay around, watched a movie
but had a date that night:
an old... Friend?
a guy i met back in '97
who wanted to be my Sugar daddy
but that's just not what my life had in store
so we see eachother sometimes
and we hadn't really had sex in a while
the last time i saw him (just before brazil)
i gave him a massage and he paid me

so i massaged him again tonight (this was sunday)
and the massage was of excellent style
(interesting at least)
he was exhausted
we collapsed onto his guest-bed
huge window looking out from the hollywood hils down onto the city at night
Beautiful and strange
the 101 a rush-filled artery until after 11pm..
we started talking
and i just rubbed his body lightly with my hands
introducing his body to my hands
clearing off the static
exploring him...

he talked
and mentioned a few times that night how he was ugly and no one wants him
and i was shocked
i mean
he's a really tense guy
so tense, in fact, that he Never works out
but he's got TONS of muscles
huge arms, great muscled belly, shoulders, legs
mostly hairless
soft skin
very big, broad
not a fat belly
but definately a belly
so i had to tell him
over and over
how beautiful he was
and it wasn't about his body at all
(though there was no "in" for me to explain it was his personality... how do you do that? i tried lightly hinting)
so i put myself into that space:
how beautiful he was
i became overcome with lust for him
which is really nice
coz we hadn't had sex in years
and i don't think i'd ever wanted him so badly
the passion to devour a person body and soul...
(in the spiritual world of "The One" you can eat people all you want: your asshole is your mouth; taking is giving: there is no depletion)
.. he lay there and received
got served
said it was the most amazing blow job he'd ever gotten
it was hot
and it really helped to get his energy moving...
THEN i started the massage
but not like i usually would
it just all kinda flowed around
came in strange order
different tecniques
very much for him
what he needed
right then

it was so late and we were both so tired
i didn't think i'd give him a full massage
but... i did
i fought through the exhaustion
and worked him
it was great
he loved it
he drifted in an out of sleep
he was So smooth and calm when i finished
and he went off to sleep in his own bed
(after spending some time on his computer)
and i, mine.

nice waking there
to that view
a bit of yoga
.. i tried walking upstairs to get some water
; set off all the alarms in the house

i eventually had nothing to do
and just Waited for him

i looked around
and started judging things


this man
but so attatched to things
and it didn't feel like he lived there..
most everything on the walls and around
were all meant to impress people
or pay some debt of gratitude ( i imagined )
or remind him of the glories, little and big, he'd had

and i felt how i often felt
>> oh, if you could only just Let It All Go...<<

so there we were.

in a rush
off we go
down into town
and off to see Eli for the day
a nice Acai
and Eli...
i love that kid.

we went out to Rico's
he loved the garden
and i was ready quick enough
we made it to my brother's
to make some DVDs for Eli
and give me all of his movies
-- now i can start making a web page for him.

my brother got back and was very ill
he'd got food poisoning from a mexican resturant
more importantly
had just been running himself ragged for two weeks
... since he found out he was moving

so his house was still a terrible mess
he had tons of boxes piled up
but tons more he had pack
and the movers were comming the next morning.

Louis drank some Absinth
and watched some of Eli's movies
then Eli left
and Louis said we were so antagonistic with eachother...
yes...: we're lovers.

and we went out for soup
he went off to work
then we went off to see Donnie Darko
the director's cut.

it was nice to watch it with him
seeing where he flinched and laughed...
it was nice seeing it on a big screen
the audiance' response, the amazing sound and vision
but i didn't like it as much as the original
i wasn't so impressed with how he changed it
but i liked how much more emotionally delicate he tried to make it...

we walked out and i had to pee
my brother waited for me outside

the bathroom was full
the three urinals against the wall full
a big, tall guy at one of them
i wanted to stand next to him
but walked over to an open toilet
just to see one of the other guys leave the urinal
so walked back over
and there was Such intense attraction to this big guy
it was instant cruising
and within moments i was sucking him off in the handicap stall
he kept telling me he wanted to take me home and fuck me, yeah yeah yeah
it wasn't long
it was very quick
and we smiled
he took my cell phone number
and we walked out

met my brother
and walked to the car

five minutes of driving and talking with my brother
i felt such an odd tension with him
i knew he was holding back from saying something
(that is, i knew he knew what i had been up to in the bathroom)
when my phone rang
and it was that guy...

when i got off the phone
my brother Attacked.

What happens when we're being attacked?

(what is "attacked"?)

sometimes i fight
sometimes i fight for a while
til i realize what is happening

i work to disarm them
by putting us on the same level:
we're both the bad guy. we're both the good guy.
just as perfect and flawed.
you am i.

i try to come to understanding.

He was throwing judgments all over me
his understanding that everyone i ever have sex with is just a dirty old man using me and abusing me
(he uses these concepts a lot)

i understood that he was very tired and stressed
and that most of this shit was HIS
but i got a message:
there is a time for play and hunt
and a time to be focused on who you're with
(especially if they cannot appreciate the play and the hunt)

like times with Trevis and Sheridan, the kids i grew up with
like times with Eli
kids of my generation just don't understand compulsive gay cruising
and i have always felt it was normal
spending time around guys in their 50's: it's what they grew up on
the first time i was in a cruising park (drunk and stoned at age 17 in Glasgow... oh)
it felt natural...

well.. what could i do?
i sat and felt it
listened to his anger
tried to understand myself
tried to understand the situation
and him...

by the end of the "fight"
i had succeded in calming him
we both appologized
and headed to bed
- he was exhausted and there was tons of packing still to do
so he asked me to do some while he slept

i felt terrible
played on the computer a bit
but had NO idea how to pack this stuff:
why take it?
wasn't the 20 boxes he had stacked up Enough Stuff?
it freaked me out
through the guilt of hours of not doing it
by 3am
i got a few boxes packed
and went to sleep...

the next day
it was Up Early
attempting to pack everything else for the movers

then Louis was off to the dentist
and i was left to continue packing
--- the same odd feeling of drowning under THINGS
-- i'd been living my life dis-associating myself from THINGS for YEARS
and here i was
in a stressful, time-pressed situation
buried under THINGS

and they weren't even mine

suffice to say
i did not do a good job of packing
and certainly not Quickly
the movers arrived
and were instantly exasperated
ordered a pizza
and the lead guy (israelie) was on his cell phone
the whole time
while his two Samoan helpers packed and lifted and carried away

Louis got home
mouth numb from Novicane
--- the crown my father had made for him did not fit
and the Dentist kept him longer than suspected trying to jam that thing on
jacking my brother up so many times:
he couldn't talk.

but i laughed
and kept packing

blah blah
it was all gone
but bits of detrius scattered around
and they charged my brother $4100 to haul all that stuff down them stairs and over to Michigan

my brother was crushed and pissed off
and i left him to peace while i went for a walk on the beach

when i got back
he was napping and i cooked him dinner
oh... Wait... it was That night we went to see Donnie Darko

--- the past is so nebulous behind me.

it was that night we had Thai food
i entroduced my brother to coconut-lemongrass-chicken soup
-- he was in love
he went off to work for a few hours
then we went to see the movie?

oh order, where are you?...

we slept

in the morning
he was off rather early again
headed to the office
his last day of work
lots of stuff to do.

i lay around
slept in
re-installed my operating system
(when i let my brother borrow my computer earlier in the year it went a little fuck-wacked and the CD drive is screwed up: i've been trying things to fix it...)
and got all crazy talking to people on line in my bored hornyness
Louis came back for lunch:
more curry
and then he went off
and then my samoan friend came
and though the sex was fun
and he LOVED it, the first thing he said afterwards was
"wow, that was SO much better than jacking off"
and though i understood the compliment
he said he wanted to take it slow and spend time with me
but was there all of a half hour...
i got back to cleaning and organizing
and then that beautiful norweigen man who i'd seen in a porn video
but was so full of life and love and excitement and yet STILL naiveté at 68 years old
i loved interacting with him in all ways
--he took me to Eli's
where i left tons of Food for him to eat
that my brother would have thrown away
and was terrified at watching him and his boyfriend interact with eachother
then off with this guy i'd met at the theater
who i THOUGHT would be so much fun
we had some mediocre mexican food
and then off for sex

let me sum it up for you

when i was in his bathroom
and preparing for a shower
i noticed a tube of some Product on his shelf
called "Maintain"

this guy
he said he was going to fuck me all night
and gave me seconds.

this "maintain" was to be rubbed on the dick to numb it so you could last long
(hangs head and sighs)

oh, if only people could experience their lives, la la la

[i've been holding that in my head for Days... Maintain... GOD!]

he drove me back down to Louis's
who called me at 3:47am
ten minutes away from his house:
he'd JUST gotten home from work
and was totally stressed
Whoo HOO!

and though it was Last Minute
which is True Sowinski Fashion
we made it to the airport
and on the plane
to indiana.

Where was i?
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