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funerals and lemons @ 11:31 pm

Current Mood: flushed
Current Music: Kid A (Radiohead cover)-Howie Day-Live

Funerals.

There's been a lot of Funerals lately

Leo's had three at his church
no pastor around there remembers such a time.

i left yesterday to go into town to get Lemons
but they weren't there
nor in the next town
nor what else i wanted in that town
so i travelled further
and decided to subject myself to People
and movies
and money
bought lemons and CDs and books

and today
i saw a movie
Fahrenheit 9/11
which
unlike my companion
didn't depress me
but did fill me with sadness
still, also Hope.

i know where Michael Moore comes from
i've been there
my parents are from the same state and simliar lives
i grew up south of there
i know where he comes from

there is an incredible sadness knowing that we've been lied to and stolen from and duped
ripped off because of our love and trusting
especially for something as basic as a Home Land
our Country.

(laughs)

but he did this to ask that it not continue happening
and if one thing can stop destructive behaviour
it's knowledge
or it's love
or it's something un-nameable

i'm fasting
and i love how that makes me feel
so slow and steady
so clear on what i'm feeling and what's happening
( is it also the huge hematite necklace i'm wearing around my neck? the memories have been flashing all day, this morning i walked through my paternal-grand-parents' house... )
and the people i met today
made me feel sad as well, and a bit abstract
people who have energy
don't know what to do with it
and just do what they can...
even if it isn't particularily what they Want to do or like
but a path is made
and they just walk it
ride it, if they can
hoping it's all down-hill from here...
(yeah)

but,
as i drove down those windy narrow mountain roads
going the speed i was comfortable with
and getting annoyed by the soccer-moms in SUVs just trying to get home at 65mph
i realized that my slowing down or breaking quickly wasn't neccessary
it wasn't important, it was needed for me to control them
i could just go as i wanted
they could ride my tail
an accident wasn't going to happen
all was well
just
go
my
own
way

and sure
there is lonliness in that
sometimes

but who cares?

i only need a few friends
they just have to be real.


When i left Ukiah
i decided to go to a cruising park i'd heard about
that was also supposed to be in a beautiful area
and it was a beautiful area
but i didn't like the way it felt
there were lots of families
and poison oak everywhere
and... Joggers
and people on boats in the water close to shore
blaring very angry loud music

i wasn't really in the space...

but did play with a mexican in the woods a little
(grin)_

and as i was about to leave
a man of my style arrived in a big pick-up
so i went over to talk with him
and realized i knew him from on-line
so we talked for nearly an hour
he pointed out a light in the sky
like how jupiter looks at night
but this was around 5:00pm
it was very odd to see
it moved very slowly across the sky,
very very slowly-- so it looked like it wasn't moving at all
i had trouble seeing it
staring into such BLUE made my eyes go all wormy
you know how that happens?
when all you see is the reflection of your retina: all the blood vessels pulsing?

eventually we got tired of looking for it
it would drift in and out of our vision
and i decided it was time for me to go
feeling very light-headed and tired
i'd not really drank enough water nor lemonade today

so he left
and i went back to the Jeep and got my bottle
and noticed a man i'd noticed earlier
an old man
very wizened face
eyes ravaged by time
long hair
short beard
very big hands
all liver-speckled

i went and sat down to talk with him
he was smoking some pot
and offered me some
i took the lightest of breaths from it
and we started talking

it was kinda painful
he told me he was just here to take a break
he'd gone to a funeral yesterday
and he didn't go to funerals
but he went to this one
an old buddy of his
who went back to viet-nam a long time ago
and had no intention of ever comming back
apparently he'd fallen off a boat and they found him floating in the river
he came back in an urn
to his wife?
some gal who was his friend
and she'd planned to take the ashes back to vietnam to scatter them there
because that's where he wanted to be
He said: "she's wasting her time: he's still there. he never left. all that is
is a hand-ful of ashes"

what happened?
there was So Much Silence
he was watching a woman on a blanket with her boyfriend
their dog came over
its rope too short to reach us
it started whimpering
he said

"i hate dogs.
i'm a dog.
we're all dogs.
i hate dogs.
they're rude creatures
shit everywhere. rip up everything.
i hate them "

there was a pause

"ah, if she shows me her cunt one more time i'm going to go over there and plow it"

i've been told
though i am not a connoisseur of straight men
that if he ever mentions anything about sex
it means he wants to have it
and he'll probably have i with you

i laughed and said
' you can't do that, though. she's got a dog and a boy friend '

"she's got two dogs
fuckin dogs
...
dogs lick their balls
... coz they can"

'and you would too
if you could!'

"naw..
i wouldn't
though i like having it done to me"

one of those fear responses came up in me
take the risk?
sure, i never have before, to be so bold (laughs)
it seemed like a challenge

' well, if you need it done, i'd be happy to do it for ya '

he takes a draw off his pipe

"no offense, but i'd rather have someone like Her do it"

right

so he says
he was born a cripple
polio

grew up with a stunted left leg...
doctors cut his right leg and clamped it to keep it from growing at age 6
and by the age of 10 he could stand flat on two feet
for the first time in his life

the look in his eyes was miraculous...
then he got slow and angry again

"then those motherfuckers fucked it up"

they took out the plates, saying he didn't need them anymore
and his right foot grew another three-quarters of an inch
"they got me straightened out... then left me all crooked again"

he had such anger
the conversation was floating
as heavily emotional marijuana conversations do

he was in so much pain and so angry
i said
' ah, but you're still here... which means you love something enough to keep you here...
what do you love? '

he said he loved him self, and most women...
after a long pause

said he had a bunch of illegitimate children
and he fucking didn't care about any of them
trash, as far as he was concerned
but then, he said, he'd almost always hated children

' when did you start hating children ? '

he told me he was put in an iron lung as a baby
came home from the hospital for the first time at the age of three
had many older brothers and sisters
and he remembers this, even though he was only three
laying there in the room with all of his siblings playing
- two older boys were holding a blanket
with a younger kid inside it
they would swing it back and forth, and back and...
let 'em go so they'd fly through the air to land on the bed
so he called out, he wanted to go
the put him in the blanket and swung him back and forth, and back and forth
and they let go of the blanket the opposite direction
so he went sailing down stairwell
like a little metiorite
wrapped up in that blanket
banging down 1 and a half flights of stairs

said it was pretty clear to him that's when he started hating children

that was an intense betrayal to be subject to
i understood his anger
and it resonated with the stories i'd learned about my own childhood (once forgotten)
about the betrayals i'd suffered
but i feel i'd gone through a lot of re-viewing, re-understanding
because i didn't want to be 65 or whatever like this guy
and be carrying around such rage
at the ignorant actions made by people who had no ideas how to treat themselves
much less a young burgeoning life...

during that pause of my thinking
he'd prepared another story

" when i was seven
in school
i often got picked on
i was sitting in a chair by the window
waiting for class to start
and this big guy, bully of the class
came by and pushed me out of the chair with his butt
i fell on the floor
he told me to find another place to sit

the next morning i told my mom i was sick
stayed home from school
sat all day and thought
and a miracle happened after noon, i got better
so i went out to play
i went to where that kid got dropped off from the buss
and climbed a big tree
and waited for him to come

when he was right under me
i jumped out of the tree on him
holding a small boulder the size of that hat
i slammed it down on his skull and crushed it
he crumpled to the ground
and i sat on top of him screaming and punching him
i'd pulverized his face before the other kids pulled me off him "

i was actually a little shocked
took me a moment

' well, did that make you feel better? after you'd done that '

the righteousness of the severely damaged

" damn right it made me feel better. no one ever fucked with me again "

long pause
i realized i better leave
but, i don't like to be scared away by things
i just didn't know what else to say
he broke the silence

" no... the better question to ask me
is when i stopped hating children "

...

' well, when did you stop hating other children? '

" two years ago
i became a great grand father
and i love that little kid... "

the world is an amazing place

but anyway
i felt the sun going down
i felt it was time for me to get going

so i said my fare-well
and got in the car to drive home

i did talk with my sister
thought i'd do some community service and call my family and tell them to see Fahrenheit 9/11
my sister had already seen it
and it filled my heart with joy
for not only had she seen it and loved it and found it very interesting
she'd gone with a large group of her friends
and this is in indiana!
she asked me
" when you walked out of the movie were there a bunch of people outside doing political action? "
' no, but this is california, what do you mean? '
" when we walked out there was a lady with forms to register people to vote
and lots of other people with pamphlets and information on joining local groups to get involved in government and direct political action "
YES!

so i took a moment and reminded my mother to see it

my sister said she'd already talked to my dad about it
and he stormed out of the room saying
" i won't see anything by that man, he's a communist and i hate him! "

ah, daddy.
communist
is it still the 1950's in some people's world?
life is so much better in Pleasantville.


pa...
anway
the drive home was nice
i stopped by the house of some guys' house who'd responded to an ad i'd posted for local bears in the area up here
and they were nice and everything
but watching "queer as folk"
and the TV wasn't turned off while i was there
and i always take that as a bad sign
and
seeing that i was still a bit stoned
i was extra silly and edgy

as i drove away
i wondered what i'd ever do with people
feeling like i just couldn't relate to people sometimes...
though they had a whole world that was considered normal to them
to me it just seemed insane
and it's kinda dangerous for me to hang out with people like that
especially intimately
for those are the kind of people that we undermine each other's realities
not strengthen them
and that's what i need: support
not more battle
it's ok for a visit
but i was lookin for some friends, maybe...

so i came home
exhausted
and just sat and watched the Sun-set
talked with Leo on the phone for a bit
and went to sleep
 

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