May 14th, 2004


after falling (catching my self with every step)

Ah yeah
nothing lyke typing a bit to put a boy to sleep

we sing our selves our own bedtime songs...

"someone's knocking at the door
somebody's ringing the bell
someone's knocking at the door
somebody's ringing the bell
-- do me a favour:
open it up... And let 'em In."

there are a few things i've thought about
so i'll start at the earliest and carry forward:

when i saw my mother and father in LA a month and so ago
it was just about a month... oh, let me look:

Yeah, just about a month from when i left her in Brazil
she'd lost eleven pounds and wasn't even dieting
her complexion was better, skin tone
and what's more
she wasn't stressed out
and all the stupid shit that she and my father would customarily fight over
all the crap he would pull to goad her
she just didn't care anymore

it was beautiful: something good happened for her down there

me, on the other hand
i was a bit of a mess
Louis (brother) and i fought a bit
and i lashed out at my father one night

left the whole family alone in the desert
knowing that i was the only one that really knew how to get us back

i circled them after i cooled down
found my way back
found them again
tried to talk to my dad
ended up just screaming at him coz he wouldn't listen

and when will i learn not to feed that stupidity?

but here's the gist:

"Dad, i do not make myself open, sensitive and vulnerable so that you can hurt me and have a laugh at my expense. Not OK"

he didn't realize he'd done anything wrong
i was over-reacting

i was staring at the stars
we all were
laying on our backs
mommy, brother and i
Dad, standing up
ant-sy, they would say
he got really bored or something
and wouldn't lay down to enjoy him self
he walked around antagonizing us

eventually he stood over me and said
"what are you looking at"?

as i started to respond
he flashed a light in my eyes


that's when i left.


i was reminded of this when one of the guys i was talking with up here said his mother was like a cross between Martha in "who's afraid of Virginia Woolfe?" and a rabid drunk Bull. paired against Homer Simpson.

he said it wasn't pretty
watching his parents fight

it made me appreciate my mother a bit more:

good for her.

other conversations:

a guy i met at the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter in the park celebration
big hefty guy
makes his money doing accounting
and playing music
reminds me of various people i've known
started one of the only 24-hour places i knew in Portland
where Tapestry and i would eat often
--- long after he'd sold it

he told a story
of walking around South of Market here in SF
whenever he'd walk by the "BEAR" offices
the owner would run out and try to convince him to model for the magazine
and he always declined
eventually having to acquiesce to saying "ok ok, maybe..."
so he could get away

he said it freaked him out
to walk into the Lone Star and
every face would turn and look at him

he said he'd seen this happen when other guys walked in too

said he liked having sex mostly with straight men
who weren't particularly attracted to him: just wanted a blow job
i worked it out:
"so... you don't mind having sex with people who aren't attracted to you
and treat you like NoOne
but you don't want to have sex with people who fetishize you
and treat you like something you're not?"



A guy who moved here 14 years ago
and got tested for HIV once
and it was the most terrifying and nerve-wracking two weeks of his life
so he just hasn't been tested since.

a guy who just moved here (not here really, east of here... but comes here)
a few months ago
from colorado
-- originally from michigan
tattoos everywhere
very hot (to me)
met him at the sex party here at marty's
on viagra
and i guess fucking and fisting and sucking and getting fucked by everything
had a tattoo over his heart in rainbow colours: "Bad PIG"

and i'm a sucker

after i had sex with him (i'd say it was well over an hour)
it just blew me out
and i haven't really been able to have sex since

couple that with the Ashtanga Yoga session that took place here at Marty's Monday night...
two hours
i sweat more than i've sweat EVER
like all good extreme yoga sessions
it noticeably changed my life
as if it put me into further integrity
and further made it more difficult for me to have sex
just feeling off
"i'm not doing this right, where is the love? why am i here?"
what do i want?

today i thought i would leave
i was running around stupid
wanted to go see the "Triplets of Bellville"
i thought i got on the wrong train
apparently it was right
i just had NO IDEA where i was going
and it didn't matter anyway: i left too late
changed plans. changed plans again
wanted to leave for Santa Rosa tonight
where a guy would take me home tomorrow

went back down town to meet up with this guy i met last time i was in town
not only is he a fun kid
intelligent-- > someone i feel like i want in my life a long time
he's really sexy...
beautiful thick bushy beard
golden waved mustache
fun in so many ways
kissing the elevator
in the park
goes for hikes
has mostly a shaved head
but for a long patch on the back
to use as a handle

that made me feel all NICE
then i met with a guy i met last month who did a photo session with me
(mmm, tis the season)
from a bear porn company, actually
he's really sweet
we had a nice conversation
and looked through pictures
the new ones from kwai ( in my yahoo photoalbum )
and the ones from mongolia
and the ones he took of me
and the films Eli made that i have on here...

and by that time
i had missed the bus to Santa Rosa
so chose to fall back on the plans i had made for tonight a few days ago:
went to see "After the Fall" by Arthur Miller
as directed by and comped to me by a guy who responded to one of my craigslist ads last December
who i've STILL not met
but talked with a lot
he sounds sexy... but the more i talk with him i'm interested in other things too..
so, in leu of meeting him
i asked for tickets to his play

it left me disturbed
it didn't have a REAL resolution
but for the one that most of us make of all of our fundamental problems:
nothing we can do but keep on living and keep on trying.

it dealt with too many things that i am overly fixated with anyway:
how to tell the truth in a loving way
how to live honestly and in integrity in a world built on lies
how to love another and not just use him/her to torture one's self
if you're honest, you hurt her, if you lie you hurt both of you

"and in the absence of a way of life
just repeat this again and again
and again"

it was at Sutter and Powell
i had hoped to then go meet this elusive director
so i started walking
i needed to work off this sadness/anger/desperation
i called some friends
talked with Leo for 45 minutes
and by the time i arrived at K's door
he wasn't answering his phone

so i strolled up to castro
and then took the F street car back to 14th
and came back to the faery house
to find someone else in bed with M
so i tried to sleep out in the front
but these thoughts were running circles round my brain
and i owed them a little breath

now i can sleep

  • Current Music
    let 'em in/popscene (paul mcartney/blur)

on the bus - - - getting out of town - - - bye bye... for a while

momma let me start all over
cradle me
momma cradle me again"

other precious things i have been reminded of:

for those who don't have Faith
there is Will

that is, if you don't believe in destiny
you can make the whole damn thing up yourself

but you got to have a damn huge amount of determination in order to do that
and you only get that if you have faith in yourself...

we can live life in the movement of the moment
flowing with what's happening
listening to the wind
and responding accordingly
the very act of being blown upon
the ripple in our own bodies
causing further gusts that affect others
our wake creating life-shifts for those after us

to make things happen willfully
we must be firmly rooted on the ground
heavy in gravity
feet secure
to push around things less weighty...

to choose one
or the other?

will or faith?

to believe there i can choose...

knowing that it's always a balance of both

but listen:
what are the leaves telling me the wind is saying?


i'm on a bus heading north

i found a $5 bill on the ground last night when i didn't meet up with the director
leaving a message from my mobile phone
i scooped down and picked it up
"i guess i'm lucky tonight"

but i'm reticent to give that fiver to the bus driver
when he won't even get the tip
it will just go into the money box---
they don't give out change; i shoulda known.

no one has change for a five on the bus
and i'm tempted to stand up and start "spanging" them
i've never spare-changed in my life...
but i don't feel good about not paying the full fare
$1.60 short
and the bus driver obviously doesn't care
i'm riding
and we're almost to Santa Rosa.

but that's not what's important or interesting to me really right now

i want to talk a bit more about love
maybe lust

this whole week i wasn't feeling lusty
and the little bit of sex i had was mainly just for the physical contact
and, yet again, it all felt like service
what we do... we all have a gift we have to give
i received "thank you" emails from the two i am thinking of
and i enjoyed being cuddly with them...
i just didn't particularily care about sex

today, however, i woke up lusty
two hours in this city/bath-house
to find a trick
then they just rolled in

--- a guy i met last month at the bear sex party
my age
furry and chubby-- very cute.
but i didn't play with him
he was busy in other realms, it turned out
i went and played with a latino cop
then with the director from last night
ah HA!
i wanted to kick him into shape
made me think of homer simpson
surrounded by krishna

i ate blood oranges without peeling them
which made me feel really good
and firey inside...

he gave me a tarot reading with the book of Thoth
made me miss my own...

and when i was at the faery gathering last week
the last day
a kid named Bridge went around asking everyone to take a Fairy card from her;
I reached into the center and grabbed: The Journeyman...

like the reading today
it foretold of many more travels a head of me

no home
no settling down
and again, when people are asking me where my home is
i am tapping my chest and proclaiming " HERE! "

shucks for the lonliness of the wind

this is what i meant to say a long time ago:

nostalgic for love

this process of trying to close things with Robert
even though he won't send my stuff back
and won't answer my emails.

thinking of that boy in NYC who made my heart spiral over and over
maybe if i spoke with him on the phone
i would feel the same
but i felt abstract from him when i corresponded with him earlier in the week through the computer
i spent a few hours reading through his journal, catching up
and tried to input
finding myself dis-connected and he seemed just as non-plus in his replies
it made me slightly angry
but more sad
and forgetful...

spending the day at the modern art museum yesterday with my friend in town here balanced that
but complimented it

i was with him
feeling very loving and friendly and playful
curious and appreciative
but similarly distant
knowing i wasn't going to BE with him.

i have to start getting my prayers together for this dance i'm doing in a few weeks
and i'm wondering what i really really want

i had said something about "presence in community"
being able to appreciate what i had while i was THERE
more love and appreciation in the moment
concerning lovers/family/friends

more ambient love?

definitely something about that
being more loving in the moment
to super-human degrees
to feel things in a whole and fluid way
compassion and forgiveness
as well as aiding... advice? support? just loving presence...

this bus trip has got beautiful again
narrow road rounding a mountain

you know what the view is like...

i'm going to watch it for a while
  • Current Music
    cocoon - bjork