May 8th, 2004


i am dreaming about you

i just showed Robbie "Pinochio Dreams"

he asked who Eli was
so i started showing him pictures

i acted very childish
maybe 5 year's old

i brought up an image
"Collapse )"

"but that's Eli"

i brought up several more

"Collapse )"

i told a little story:

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I met Eli a long time ago. and we became friends. the kind of friend where we're in love with eachother. we were friends.

we still are.

it was little.

i have a project i am starting soon
it's about people in my life.

i will have a web page soon
when you go to it
there will be a "Cast of Characters"
and you can look at them -- pictuers of them
you can read the "character sketch"

( i just used "spell check" i knoticed i was typing "charecters" instead
-- and i remember the difference between "affect" and "effect"
--- i wonder if there is a meaning in there? one where i fundamentally mis-understand the role of characters as charecters. it might not be a mis-understanding. it might just be the way i am. but by being the way i am instead of what is prescribed for me to be by society at large, i am slightly alienated. this makes me feel distanced. which, sometimes, i enjoy, others: i feel sad for not being able to be as present with someone as i would like... but i also feel happy that i am who i am, which is sometimes lonely... but they people that CAN connect with me are SO much more satisfying co-creator friends than those who just do what is prescribed for them. i always spell things as i understand them to be spelled)

i will create this web page to advertise myself as a person.

to show my example clearly

often, in my travels, i have made my only real work of art my Self.
i didn't have space for a guitar or paints or even sketching pencils...
when, in truth, i did--- i just never used them
always self-centred, i will create another work of art:
the lense in which to view me through
though this may seem funny, later
when i have changed
-- something may be out-of-date
and i might meet someone who knows me
and knows how i should be treated
from the image i have created of myself

but i will feel awkward...
knowing they follow directions so well
and that they've not noticed i was a dynamic being that is always living

but anyway, back to TODAY

Robbie Fell Asleep
he is curled around me like a bear-rug
but i am shivering because he does not cover my heart
i mean, my shoulders.

while i was showing him the pictures of Eli
he fell asleep
and i looked at my directory structure
of my pictures folder ("psyclotron")
and remembered that i had made a few folders that i hadn't used yet...
i have my pictures stored in folders seperated by (tropical)Zodiac Solar Months
i did that back in ... Libra?
Sorry, No--- Capricorn: right before i left for Brazil.


i created two extra folders: Aquarius and Pisces
just to round out the Year

and the camera was stolen in the early-middle of Picese


enough of today.

i dug up plants from the forest and planted them in Robbie's back-yard: groundcover
i gave a massage to a regular client in a cramped space with un-satisfying results (like i may never give him a massage again)
i spent some time on the internet today trying to get massage work off Craig'slist

while i was at the faery gathering
walking barefoot and naked along the path back from the Sun Altar
i thought that maybe i would post a CL ad about being a Courtesan
actually just trying to do Sex Work
seeing if i advertise myself as someone who would escort someone
in an emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, sexually balanced way
with integrity

many people have told me i have a special gift in the art of Loving
i suppose, like massage, if i did it more with Intent and clear energy exchange
i would get better at it

i got a bunch of replies to that ad
none for massage

"how much would you charge to fuck a drag queen out of drag?"

i sayd "$150 -- tell me about yourself"

no reply

i thought i would start there-- it's what i charge for massage

but wasn't unhappy she didn't reply

some guy who said i had great pics
a few emails later he said he'd hire me for a massage

he said he doesn't like getting ripped off:
35 minute rub-down, jack off, walk out-- for $100

said he didn't care too much about the price if it were a good massage

-- we'll see

the other said he had a house in france
married. lawyer.
does work protecting freedom, one might say

[phew! for a minute there--


oh, he's such a sweetie
snoring there

hey-o, rob-o

we ate a brownie Honnsa gave to me at wolf creek
with some tea i made:
Damiana, Angelica, Mugwort, Prickly Ash, Ashwananada, Catnip, sage, baraba timao, yerba sante

i put a container of Ginseng/Royal Jelly in his tea
i had been carrying it with me for maybe a year, maybe more
maybe a few months...
i got two and the first i took reminded me i didn't need it:
some of the men i am with, might

yesterday: the line-break
Today: the comma.

the brownie has kicked in
i hadn't had any of this since Brazil.
i don't remember if i ever smoked in brazil...
oh, yes, at least once

right after seeing Joao
and then i decided it was good to abstain
similar to why one would abstain from alcohol...


but tonight i had some
it swept into me while watching
"Pinochio Dreams"

and then a few other things happened,
and i decided to include you in a little bit.
  • Current Music
    long, long grift -- Thommy Gnosis