April 13th, 2004




i am home.

second night.

i sit in the chair in front of the fire
having read to him from a book of collected short stories by Thomas Mann
(a tale called "The Will To Happiness" which features a character clinging onto life until he gets all he's ever desired, and dying just then... as i have noticed so very often... with Tapestry... with countless others... in the tales i have heard recounted from the men of other generations that i have visited... as i am visiting one now.. fearing the same, i change my desires... and feel ill-at-ease here...)

it all feels familiar
frighteningly familiar, instead of comforting

the view from the deck was stunning today
the patina of greens of the valley and hills
the colours of the sky at sunrise and sunset...

i did not sleep well last night
and woke up with a sore throat

similar to the last time i returned here seeking comfort and home
--- no rest and illness taking up residence in me...

i pity myself
and know not else what to do.

i am trying to breathe through it;
give it time.

how many have said to me in recent times
"let yourself be loved"

and how often had i said it to myself before now?

i know , i know...

there is a softness at my centre i fear
i don't trust others to be gentle and not hurt me

yet in my recent rushing
i have been so harsh with myself...
i am amazed i am not totally wounded.

my wounds have been made quite fresh, though...
i am hoping this time in this house will give me the peace to listen to them
to lick them clean
and let them heal as they need to
not obscure them and abstract them into crystalis
which makes pretty lights
but is hardly useful for coming into the integrity i desire.

you know, i could talk on and on about this for hours
but tonight i am keeping it short
because i now have months and months to talk about it
and wish to do so with the thoroughness it deserves

i deserve.

much love to you all
i look forward to getting to know you
now that i am home.
  • Current Music
    rufus wainwright- grey gardens

I shall answer thee these questions three...

I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more no less. Three is the number thou shalt ask, and the number of the questions shall be three. Ask me anything you want. Then I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything.

( i haven't done this kind of thing yet... but was feeling like fishing in this manner tonight... so... Come On...)
  • Current Music
    i might, you might, but neither of us do - modest mouse

(no subject)

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the whole sentence in your journal along with these instructions.

" While Newman's queer hagiography of St Philip Neri offers a model for conduct and private devotion, Dalgairn's work on Aelred suggests the public, communal potential for cultivating relationships of virginal friendship and using their love and energy to foster monastic harmony and productivity."

the book?
"Same-Sex Desire in Victorian Religious Culture" by Frederick S. Roden

a book buried under the papers on Leo's desk
( don't know Leo? see him here: http://www.bearwww.com/theisen )

i just got here
so don't have any of my books in the direct vacinity..
but i find it quite appropriate
as it is how i'm feeling at the time

(this place i am now is a franciscan hermitage, and he is a franciscan brother and episcopal priest... and this is actually what i have been wanting...
funny little Meme...)
  • Current Music
    i might, you might, but neither of us do - modest mouse

(no subject)

oh, as you may notice
i have just started using the iJouranl program
makes all this so much easier!

now i see how all of you can post tons of little postings every day...
  • Current Music

I Wanna... ( in response to Nayland )

i wanted to respond to this post by Nayland...
but my response was too long
so i posted it in my journal
(ah, brevity is not my strong point... no need)

i love this.
my great-aunt Marlene died.
she was 68
and that's old for our family

she was about her right body weight

but smoked like a chimney and drank like a drunk

worked in a latino biker bar in detroit...

when my sister called today to tell me she'd "passed"
my first thought and comment was "Good for her"

i am always happy to hear someone i know has died.

i was told at a young age that they go someplace better than here
and though i love this world and everything
a lot of people are starving for life and suffering through what they have

it's alright

that's what we're here for: we're here to Go


now, Nayland, you can send me back that post i deleted, and i'll post it again

from the moment i heard of your gaining i saw it as a dangerous thing
as far as "health" and "life" is concerned

as i child
i was the only skinny kid in my family

they're all fat

and they drop like flies in their late 50's or early 60's
heart attacks, diabetes, strokes

but i was skinny
and grew up in indiana
i HATED fat people
they really bugged me...

especially my brother...

but anyway
as i got more into myself
and accepted myself for who i was
i started making friends with the fat kids
(this was round age 13)

at age 14
i had my first bear

a 31 year old
but mostly muscle
(covered with fur, but for his face)

so i thought i always liked muscle bears
but i seduced another teacher of mine when i lived in england
at age 17
and he was fat

we would joke about how he was a "creme puff"

and i just loved him

it didn't matter

but as i became more and more sexually active
i found i liked fat men so much more...

i would tell them many things:

"the soft and round is the archetype of the female... combined with the body hair and beard, as well as the general more masucline personality, a bear is both mother and father to me... as well as playful friend"


"well, if you had the choice of sharing your body with someone
would you rather do it with someone who hates their body
and starves it and pushes it against machines and shaves and waxes and drugs and all that shit?
or someone who obviously loves the sensual pleasures?
covered in a myriad of fine anntenae to feel all the pleasure
so evident in their voluptous bellies
from there succulent tastes adding to their jolly girth?"

i began to Love fat people

now it bothers me
to fetishize someone so much
i see myself do it so often
to pounce on some big fat guy
(the bears in brazil were all refering to themselves as Fat.. it helped me de-stygmatize the american meaning)
and love them for their size and weight

even if i would only love them Once...

for as AA brought up

i so often find hot fat men
who are just supressing all their feelings
they may enjoy the feeling of sugar on their toungue, sure
but no
not their deep rooted emotions
not even their present emotions
frustrating as all hell!

now, i can see why AA pointed that finger at you

you're Shy

but in MY experience with you
you were open and loving and forward enough
(well, after a few years and then some more months actually, hmmmmm)

but i have also always believed that an Artist willingly chooses to abstract and stuff his emotions one way or another
that surpession is also a way of digestion
so it can burst forth
no matter how brutal
into something more brutal to be shared with others more fully

everyone can go through life just feeling their emotions
but to be able to stop that water
take it in hand
and give it back to the world as a fountain
or an ice sculpture
or... landscaping

it's a gift

a gift we have to give.

as i said before
i wouldn't really mind if you die
i mean, it'd be great for you
but i believe it will happen in its time
i'm not really too worried
and in my desires,
i DO want to spend more time with you


now you are at another art piece
where you are closer to death...
you get to balance it and shape it
touch it
and sleep with it
breathe it everday

people have often asked me about all the beautiful people in brazil
apparently it's a cliche how beautiful they are
i can only respond
YES, they are beautiful
but only because of how desperate their lives are
how close they are to death at any moment
it is a luxury they do not have
that we suffer through greatly in this country
they cannot be abstracted and detatched from life too far
for at any turn
hunger or the hunger of another could put their life to a hasty Halt

it makes their souls burn brighter

and if bodies are anything
they are the material expression of our Souls...
so yes, their bodies so beautiful..

my body has always been my favourite art medium

though i am not pierced or tattoo'd...

i make love
and share that

letting others experience the lever we can be in our bodies together

( i have been feeling stifled, as you can tell, such all of my gushing here )

that morning at your house
my doing yoga naked in front of you was my way of not preaching
(as i am doing a bit here)
but just setting a good example

being in the body in a loveing sensual way
that IS healing
and healthy
and you can still be fat!
(i learned yoga from a bear and his wife)

but yes
gyms are a bore

get out of that city
come up and walk the hills with me
lay your body down in the river
or the hot springs
let your skin get hot from the sun
barefoot on the sharp and loving ground
and turn on your head

"if you fall, i will catch you"

  • Current Music
    cindy lauper - time after time