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in our hands @ 06:41 pm

So
i was sitting around last night
writing to myself

i was shocked
on my walk home
how i felt scared from looking at the dark ocean

how i have felt so frightened lately!

by everything..

i made a list...

and i was concerned
i told someone to look at my journal
and he seemed very angry at me for
"being so willing to be a victim"
-- i never think of myself as a victim... consciously
and i detest hearing
oh no!


i listened to some music
there were songs in had in my download folder on my mp3 player that i still hadn't heard
some of them i got when i typed in "daddy bear" into the search..

so this one came on by Bobby Bear called "daddy what if"
and i don't know this guy...

so i just researched him
i guess he was some famous singer
and it's Bare not Bear...
but the song i am talking about..
it was written by Shel Silverstein...
and i LOVE Shel
and i guess i knew so little about him
Wow
anyway...

the song is set up as if bobby were talking to his son, bobby bare jr, of course,
and they start singing together
and BBJ asks "daddy, what if.." about a few things,
this is the last verse:

BBJ: But, Daddy, what if I stopped loving you?
What would happen then?

BB: If you stopped loving me, then the grass would stop growing,
The sun would stop shining and the wind would stop blowing.
So you see, if you wanna keep this old world a'going,
You'd better start loving me again, again...
You better start loving me again.
You hear me, Bobby?

BOTH: You better start loving me again.
(You love me, Bobby? Yes)
You better start loving me again


----


and i know
it's really silly and sentimental
but
*blush*
pop music has always been my metatron...


but anyway..
the important bit was
with what i was writing about last night
and then hearing this song just at the right time
i remembered a very important lesson...

now i am going to put more pop lyrics in here from Bjork
and i love her dearly
and if you like her
or don't know her
go out and buy this song (there was a single and it's on the newest greatest hits thing)
or download it and hear it
it's called
:: our hands

look no further
look no further
look no further

cruelest
almost
always to ourselves
it musn't
get any better
off

it's in our hands : it always was
it's in our hands : in our hands
it's all there : in our hands
it's all there : in our hands

well
now
aren't we scaring ourselves
unecessarily?
aren't we trying too hard?

'cause it's in our hands
it's in our hands
it's all here : it's in our hands

look no further
look no further

it's in our hands : it always was
it's in our hands

-------------------

that is
um
(laughs)
this is spirling in on me

i mean
i believed
once
as a scientist
that all of life is just chaos
then i discovered god
and replaced the thought with
Providence
and i often hear people who talk of making their own lives
materialists who believe in nothing other than this sack of bones and blood
and a nice car, of course
but the idea of MAKING my life always seems daunting and impossible
where do i start?

look no further: Right here.

yes yes, i figured this out a long time ago

why did i forget?

well, why do any of us forget?

it is so fucking hard
it is a fight against so many things...

if you fight in any direction
it is a fight against things, though...

last year was really depressing to me
i returned to america to a bunch of people dying
and... AMERICA being a fucking twat and killing a bunch of people, etc...
you were there, i am sure you know enough
it was depressing
i have been working for YEARS to help heal myself and everyone i meet
to bring love everywhere
and i got back to america and just felt like it was so fucking pointless
(europe before that, mind you)
and i watched "Fight Club" with Eli and it convinced me even further
reminding me of my teen-age feelings
"Fuck the world, DOWN IN FLAMES!"

somewhere in europe
i cut out my heart because it hurt too much
it's been all downhill from there
mind mind mind
dumb dumb dumb

and there have been flickers, i will not deny...

but here i am
looking at the root of my problem
and the solution
and it is still totally daunting
and i wonder if i can do it in america...

if i can do it anywhere..

rebuild myself with Love
love others
love this world
love the fools and the fighters and the lovers...

i find this very difficult
but realize it is the only option
as i have been told this again and again
by so many people
so i have to write it down
so you will know it
so you can remind me
when i am forgetting again

i am so concerned with base decisions all the time

AH, what to do with the world?
throw it away or love it?
what is love?
what is breath?

base.
the dominic who was born with absolutely no idea how to live
live live live

i'm living
and i gotta remember i am doing just fine.

and i am very very very glad i got some help along the way.
 

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