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January 20th, 2007

Ghosts @ 02:16 am

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i just went to see "Pan's Labrynth"

it was nice and stuff
good story


however
what led me to go see it was
Leo and i were maybe going to have a 4 way with some guys we met from craigslist
maybe a 5 way
maybe a 6 way!

or, no way.

Leo picked me up from the Hilton (P... portland)
where i had just finished having sex with a very cute guy
who'd hired me for a massage
and when i arrived he said
"...um... could you just massage me for an hour and we have sex for an hour? "

i had told him i wanted that a few days back when he first contacted me
but he'd been demure til now

and oddly
he wasn't hard at all during the massage

very cute guy

Guys...

Today i spent the day wandering around Portland
my portland...

only after waking up in the arms of an American man...

strange fellow
the sort of fellow i imagine i would like to be, i suppose

is who he is who he is who he is

not really conceited
but sure of himself
certainly in love with himself

knows what's good about himself
and extrapolates on that

"... well, i have 7 PhDs... i think they can dispense with the tape-measure around the head"
"i've only been playing violin about ten years now..."
after he tells me about a night that some circus performers got injured and he had to adlib to take the attention away
and keep morale up

"Don't Dream it: Be It."
as FrankenFurter would said...

i love meeting men like this
and
as i always imagine
an archer would be good for me

i gave him a massage once we were awake

sweetness...

then he left to return up north
and i came to see Leo

-- we're at odds at this point
short and snappy with eachother

i guess i've worn him away
his tolerance of me

i think i'm a monster right now
splitting at the seams
light and sewage

quite a mess, i imagine
but also quite bright
quite strong

i'm an exaggerated dominic right now
and leo is fading

he's tired, his legs hurt, he can't see, he can't hear, he's farting all the time and not adimiting to it. he just wants things simple.
and he's doing the same things he's always done
which means he'll just get worse

nothing i can do.
nothing i can do but nag
and that's a shitty way of loving.

stuffy and pissy
i forced him to go to SE portland for lunch instead of eating down town (which i KNOW would be crap)

we ate at Cafe Paradox

i used to eat there with Genevive and Sheridan
and Trevis

i have pictures..
where are they?

each hipster kid we passed on the way there:
could that be her?

we went into the Tao of Tea
so in love with the place
such strong tea
relaxed me so

Leo doesn't know relaxation
just
"i'm tired"

pearls before piggies

still
i enjoyed the oolong (after so long)
and the Pu-ehr

hmmmm

hmmmm


leo called me "scattered" about three times today
i'm moving too fast for him
and anything i'm not narrating
he doesn't understand (in relation to me, i mean)
of course
he's not pulliing his way in any way but paying the hotel bill

which i wouldn't be in if it weren't for him.

sad
bitching at me

i drop him off at the Art Museum
which he wants to go to
because that's what he does when he goes to cities he doens't know

which makes no sense to me
i leave him
to see
The City

Portland, My Portland
after all this time

i remember man i visited in that building

i remember parking my car here

i remember the lady there who was crying, asking for change
and i only wished i could change her... give her..

i remember the junkies
where are they now?

new boarded up buildings
oh good, it hasn't all be cleaned and sold

is it settling down a bit after it's BOOM?

it Was cold, though
and some of the smaller shops were gone
the music store
the old book store
now both clothing stores...

i went into powell's
and just got lost for a while
looking at books
susan sontag with a baby
patti smith with jackson and jessee

eventually finding myself looking at some art
burnt into wood

eventually remembering Lang
and going to buy a book of faery tales to read while traveling.

going into the toilets
remembering desperate days there
cruising
hoping

is it really so strange?

different now
but still nice

i bought a book
looked for trevis, sheridan, genevive
in the cafe

no...

no
it was mostly Ghosts of Trevis i was seeing
was he working at Tao of Tea?
was he riding his bike?
was he in the rain?

where is he?

Leo called
and i told him where i am
well
he only heard a part of it

(i've told him how to heal himself a million times: he's not interested)

i walked
i talked to clients
potential clients

i waited for leo

i tried calling him 5 times
he didn't hear the ringing

but he found me
eventually

and wasn't sure where we were going

i almost knew where we were going
Fox & Hound

been invited there by Chuck
yesterday
when we stopped by the club
he told us there was a bear happy hour
and we could meet his knew partner: Niles

he said he was so happy to meet my Beau

oh...

i tried to explain

but certain people see the world in certain ways...

cut back to Leo and i walking down the street
i have to go into Embers to ask the bar(flys)tender
where the Fox and Hound is?
they give me vague directions
should have just followed my own vague memories
would have got me there

but it's all in the timing
an walking down the street
i saw a rather smart bear parking his car

he turns and smiles at me
and it's someone i know

Who?

i dunno
but i know him
and our eyes are all light up like rescue fires in the tower
message signals
blink blink

it takes a moment for my brain to retrieve the information:
Stephen
who's living on a farm for many years in Washington

what are you doing here?

he tells me the story

decided that living off the grid with many animals
and no partner
just wasn't worth it

so he's making a flip/flop

got a condo
gonna travel the world.

Alright!

maybe i'll live here in Portland?

we go to the bar
order fish and chips
and tell our stories
rub our beards
smile at the cuties
the boy with the twirled mustache
the short
the round
the grey
the brown

so many beauties

some nervous
some flaming

i had to eat and run
(but i remembered his address in my head)
and walked walked walked across town to the Hilton for my incredibly cute jewish/wasp blend
what a gorgeous nose!
and all his other bits, really

i wish the whole world could bask in beauty and confidence

we get flashes
we do...

but this wasn't one of them

Leo picks me up and he's driving
and he's frustrated and short
and snappy

i vaguely know where we're going
for some reason
i thought we'd be back at the hotel first
thought i'd have their number in my phone
but my phone has been a pain in the ass

... the bridge is up
i run out to look
and the barriers lift

we're driving south

i point out the turning lane
leo says "yes yes"
but doesn't get in it
until i mention it again

i point at the exit
leo drives right by it
then gets very angry!

leo is getting old

i guess everyone who lives gets old
i guess that's why i said i'd kill my self at 50
so i WOULDn't get old

but at this point
i might make it 60
coz i think many 50 somethings are very sexy
even 60 somethings...
but maybe they're slipping more...

well
i'm not planning the future
certainly don't plan suicide

i've just been looking for Ghosts of my old friends all day

i called Dream Will
and his number was gone

Where's Trevis?

i take the wheel
and drive to where we're supposed to meet these guys
but the house i think is their's
isn't.

the guy says "it's too late"
indeed, i was about 20 minutes late
but that's a bit extreme
they're just waiting around at home...

oh, it isn't him.

right, sorry.

Leo is tired and wants to go home
we're half way to Pan's Labrynth..
(for some reason it's only playing at a few cinemas around town
and they all seem to be far-out)

but Leo doesn't want to go see a movie

i drive him home
call the guys an appologize
wonder if i should...

i wish i could do the things i liked with a Friend

i could call Trevis
or Sheridan
i have their numbers

but they'd just hate me for asking.

i go alone
and i get there on time

it's a good film
a nice story

brutal

but such is being human, thanks dear.

 
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Comments

 
From:ogam
Date:January 20th, 2007 10:22 am (UTC)
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*sits with you quietly, listening, keeping you company*
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
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From:dominicvine
Date:January 20th, 2007 11:21 am (UTC)
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i'm going to sleep...

but will you be at 3 Friends tomorrow for Faery Coffee?

i will be
(but not drinking coffee)



do i know you?
should i?

i'm only in town for a few more days
say hello!

...d
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
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From:dominicvine
Date:January 22nd, 2007 05:41 pm (UTC)
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oh, i've met Hantsbear more than once...
he's a very sweet fellow

and i'm looking into good housing situations in Portland
i'd like to live there again
it's so nourishing and succulent
i love the town
and i'm at the point in my life where i need more home-y-ness

i would definately like to meet you!
so let's stay in touch

(and email me a picture of you if you have some to send!)
dominicvine at gmail
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From:dominicvine
Date:January 22nd, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)

Re: age-ism

(Link)
Yeah
and you know me
i have lovers in their 70's
and lovers in their 80's
and i just find them more and more beautiful

what i was really referring to was "getting old"
which can happen at any age
(i knew a kid at 26 who was already a fuddy-duddy)

i think getting "Old" is another way of chosing to be more afraid than embracing
"oh, i might break my hip!"
"my knees! my feet!"

whatever.

and everyone ages differently
-- the man we had sex with last week was the same age as Leo, probably nearly 100 pounds heavier
and... much healthier

but he was also on medication
which leo does not take

--- really
that part of the post was inspired about how angry i am
that i've put lots of energy into trying to teach leo how to take care of himself so this wouldn't happen
and he's his own person
and i can't control him
and he's greatly ignored me
and keeps up his habbits:
it's like watching a junkie grind themselves to dust in front of you

really
it's about the way that i don't love myself
and i start to hate anyone i'm around for any length of time
friction
catching on every little annoyance and getting inflamed

i'm just at the edge of my patience
and need to be in a cave for a while

i need my own space

woe is any who gets in my way


(Sorry; thanks for calling me out)
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From:ednixon
Date:January 22nd, 2007 09:17 pm (UTC)

medication

(Link)
Perhaps you knew Rick Sajbel of Petaluma, one of the circle
of friends that Jake Wolpert, Alan Wein, and Anthony Berno
often hung out with. Rick threw a big holiday party just before
Christmas at his home in Petaluma. Rick is bisexual, had the wife, home and two sons in Petaluma and played with Anthony Berno, and me, in the City during the week. His wine merchant business, Aabalat, was pretty successful, and he was
a renowned chef.
When I saw Rick at his party, I immediately knew it would be the last time I would see him alive. I can just tell when that happens, it has happened before, this sort of precognition of an imminent passing.
Rick refused to take any aleopathic meds. He would do some vitamins He succumbed to lymphoma a week after
the party.
Here's the snaps, the late Rick Sajbel is in the chef's smock sitting down.
http://ednixon.com/pix/2006/sajbelparty/
Rick is survived by his wife Barbara, who is the mother of his two sons, Derrick, 26, and Andreas, 20.
Moral: Don't reject recommended meds from your doc.
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From:dominicvine
Date:January 23rd, 2007 02:25 am (UTC)

Re: medication

(Link)
fuck that moral

sorry for the teen-age rebel-yell
but that's one of the reasons i loved Rick

he was an amazing man
a bit too much for me to spend too much time with
every time i had sex with him
i'd feel drained for days (weeks, once)
but he was really an amazing person

he would often brag to me that he got his + from patient zero

i'd written him a few emails over the last year and heard nothing back
which really surprised me
but Mr. Burno told me that he wasn't communicating with anyone his last year
-- i didn't even know he was sick
and i was hoping to see him while visiting CA this trip
--- the first day i arrived was the day after he died
i was told very bluntly by DHPbear
which gave my first/one night in the bay area a very sad color

BUT
to get back to the point
Leo hasn't gone to doctors since he was a child
for the same reason i haven't:

the doctors told him he was going to die
his family treated him as a lost cause
and put their money and time into his other brothers

neither of them have made much of their lives
and Leo has had plenty of adventure
and is still here

he isn't worried about dying
he doesn't go to doctors to get his litany of fears
he just enjoys life on his terms

as rick did
(but rick did a much better job of doing things pro-active for his health)

Leo is just not doing anything to take care of himself.
(that's why i'm so angry being with him now... because its gotten bad and all he's doing is complaining, not acting)

i was a sickly child
for YEARS
and all doctors did was give me meds
and i stayed sick

it was through an acid trip
and then a staunch determination to change my life
that stopped me from being sick

i would NEVER take medication for any chronic illness
so i agree with rick for what he did
i'm sorry it was a bit messy for his business and family/friends on his way out.


thanks for sending me the pictures from the party
i wish i had been there

HUGS

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