Sitting in Leo's Silver Slipper -- in Trinidad
Reading "For one more day" --
a book my mother gave me for christmas
i think i found the root of my
even my Mother - who loves me unconditionally
made choices which depleted?/ignored? my life.
certainly my father made plenty...
i have No Trust in Love.
even with compassion...
i view that everyone does what they need to do for themselves First
...& that's alright.
That's how it is --
but i'm wired weird:
when i get in relationship, i want to give myself over to the person.
relinquish control ?
i know i include them in my Identity.
there fore- many of their choices i go along with -- as i would my own--
but i'm quite a peculiar fellow
& it takes very little time to become disappointed in the choices made by another 00
i get angry at them for being so careless; i get angry at myself for going along with it.
-- i then try to take control
to prevent that violation from happening again
-- But Relationships are driven by all the people in the ship!
-- This never works.
Knowing this -- how can i change my emotional
landscape ? blue print ? roller coaster ?
my inner child ?
- it's these ideas ... therapists/psychologists try to find the key to "heal what is "damaged" in a person... perhaps it's just "who i am"
and i perceive it as damage because it's dysfunctional
-- but that doesn't mean it CAN be healed.
-- do i really want to accept it?
i suppose it is all of my years of journaling that make me a good listener -- a good
in situation where people are begging for help -- just in their speech
i just have to come up with something...
but myself for myself?
i have too much labyrinthine stuff in my head
easy to get lost in
hard to see clearly through
it takes time.
but i see the progress...
i'm learning the paths, the patterns:
i'm not going to be lost in here forever
my human maturity.
when i come to Ripeness
then enlightenment i've known in soul & mind
will be my life
then i can love & be loved
it's not a Time thing.
... bit it will happen..
it's a couple thing
everyone here in the park is a couple
-- in the book --
the tragedy of Divorce
the loneliness of Separations
i have my books to write in .
by books to read
camera to see things with
never alone. no, never alone. no, never alone. . .
-- always lonely
Hey - at least i don't have a dog
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