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Vertical Prose


January 15th, 2007

couples @ 11:03 am



Sitting in Leo's Silver Slipper -- in Trinidad
Reading "For one more day" --
a book my mother gave me for christmas
i think i found the root of my
"trust issues"
even my Mother - who loves me unconditionally
made choices which depleted?/ignored? my life.
certainly my father made plenty...
i have No Trust in Love.
even with compassion...
i view that everyone does what they need to do for themselves First
...& that's alright.
That's how it is --
but i'm wired weird:
when i get in relationship, i want to give myself over to the person.
relinquish control ?
no...
i know i include them in my Identity.
there fore- many of their choices i go along with -- as i would my own--

but i'm quite a peculiar fellow
& it takes very little time to become disappointed in the choices made by another 00
i get angry at them for being so careless; i get angry at myself for going along with it.
-- i then try to take control
to prevent that violation from happening again
-- But Relationships are driven by all the people in the ship!
-- This never works.


--------------------------


Knowing this -- how can i change my emotional
landscape ? blue print ? roller coaster ?
my inner child ?

- it's these ideas ... therapists/psychologists try to find the key to "heal what is "damaged" in a person... perhaps it's just "who i am"
and i perceive it as damage because it's dysfunctional
-- but that doesn't mean it CAN be healed.
-- do i really want to accept it?

/-/

i suppose it is all of my years of journaling that make me a good listener -- a good
Advice Giver.

in situation where people are begging for help -- just in their speech
i just have to come up with something...

but myself for myself?
i have too much labyrinthine stuff in my head
easy to get lost in
hard to see clearly through
over
around

it takes time.
but i see the progress...
i hope...
i'm learning the paths, the patterns:
i'm not going to be lost in here forever

/
yeah
my human maturity.
when i come to Ripeness
then enlightenment i've known in soul & mind
will be my life
my heart

then i can love & be loved

it's not a Time thing.

... bit it will happen..


/

it's a couple thing

everyone here in the park is a couple

-- in the book --

the tragedy of Divorce

Divorce

the loneliness of Separations


i have my books to write in .
by books to read
camera to see things with

never alone. no, never alone. no, never alone. . .

-- always lonely

----------------------------


Hey - at least i don't have a dog

- yet

 
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