i realize now
that when i was young
i believed in a mystical world behind this world
being an actor
everything i saw here was like the stage
and knew that there was more behind it
yes
a crew putting together all the images
studying the lines, the costume
but beyond that
there was a Real World where Real People lived
in among them: the writers... the directors...
i used to look at people and wonder if they knew how to cross that boundry
very rarely do i search for that anymore
reducing my suspicions to thinking of the puppet-masters
rigging up this retarded fear machine at the airport
in the goverment
killing saddam
destroying bagdad
destroying america
selling everything out
how lame is that?
nothing but the real world affected by the real world
a one-dimensional bore
at that party a few nights ago
i wondered why i don't feel the same way about dress-up that most of the faeries feel
i kinda like it
it's fun that they make themselves up so...
but i guess i lost interest in impressing people like that
impressing people
or was it just fun?
just self expression and play?
if it is, then it is
i told the story of how i wore makeup daily my last year in high school
...
oh but i'm getting distracted
i saw this guy in the airport an hour ago
he had long straight dark hair
a trimmed beard
wearing all black
kinda tall
big boots
big boots
elusive eyes
i followed him around with mine for a while
somehow
i imagined he knew something
he reminded me of the door
there he was holding a glowing orb in his hand
a crack in the wall creaking open
but maybe he just fancies himself a country singer
goat calls this the L.A. of the south.
people tell me that saturn return helps focus energy onto what can actually happen
and helps release the energy of dreams that will never come true
but i like living looking for the door
and attempting
every twilight i can remember it
to step off the ground and soar into the sky
these aren't the focus of my life
(though, perhaps affecting the puppet masters, in whatever way, is)
but they give each day, each moment a happy, private drama that keeps things interested
and i'm never bored...
maybe someday i'll find it
(later thought)
maybe i should just enjoy this version of the world
get along with others
play nice...
