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January 8th, 2007

remember the door @ 10:55 am

i realize now
that when i was young
i believed in a mystical world behind this world

being an actor
everything i saw here was like the stage
and knew that there was more behind it

a crew putting together all the images
studying the lines, the costume

but beyond that
there was a Real World where Real People lived
in among them: the writers... the directors...

i used to look at people and wonder if they knew how to cross that boundry

very rarely do i search for that anymore
reducing my suspicions to thinking of the puppet-masters
rigging up this retarded fear machine at the airport
in the goverment
killing saddam
destroying bagdad
destroying america
selling everything out

how lame is that?
nothing but the real world affected by the real world
a one-dimensional bore

at that party a few nights ago
i wondered why i don't feel the same way about dress-up that most of the faeries feel

i kinda like it
it's fun that they make themselves up so...
but i guess i lost interest in impressing people like that
impressing people
or was it just fun?
just self expression and play?
if it is, then it is

i told the story of how i wore makeup daily my last year in high school


oh but i'm getting distracted

i saw this guy in the airport an hour ago
he had long straight dark hair
a trimmed beard
wearing all black
kinda tall
big boots

big boots

elusive eyes
i followed him around with mine for a while
i imagined he knew something
he reminded me of the door
there he was holding a glowing orb in his hand
a crack in the wall creaking open

but maybe he just fancies himself a country singer

goat calls this the L.A. of the south.

people tell me that saturn return helps focus energy onto what can actually happen
and helps release the energy of dreams that will never come true

but i like living looking for the door
and attempting
every twilight i can remember it
to step off the ground and soar into the sky

these aren't the focus of my life
(though, perhaps affecting the puppet masters, in whatever way, is)
but they give each day, each moment a happy, private drama that keeps things interested

and i'm never bored...

maybe someday i'll find it

(later thought)

maybe i should just enjoy this version of the world
get along with others
play nice...
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Date:January 14th, 2007 04:01 pm (UTC)
maybe i should just enjoy this version of the world

Everytime I wake up, it's a new version. Or so it seems.

I feel like a different person. At least physically. And I wonder now that the people landscape is shifting so much I wonder how much of my connections were real, were based on me, or merely what was apparent to the eye.

Date:January 14th, 2007 10:38 pm (UTC)
Or the connections were intensely real, and necessary, and helped all people involved for their duration. But they are now no longer necessary.

The best things in life are finite. They don't last. They're a bubble--special, and momentary.
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Date:January 15th, 2007 09:45 am (UTC)
is this a way of saying there is only this level of reality?
or saying there are an infinite ways of approach?

both of you addressing my sigh at the end instead of my explosion of the body

i'm trying to hear the answer in this

... this is the only answer i ever hear

because it's HERE
and it's real

it's what we've got to work with

... but what about that . . .

it's like being only concerned with the plants and the houses

when i know that it's the fundaments
dirt and bedrock
that makes any of that REality possible

i want to know the earth elementals who rule that realm

i guess that's why i spend so much time around rock ogres...

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