i realize now that when i was young i believed in a mystical world behind this world
being an actor everything i saw here was like the stage and knew that there was more behind it
yes a crew putting together all the images studying the lines, the costume
but beyond that there was a Real World where Real People lived in among them: the writers... the directors...
i used to look at people and wonder if they knew how to cross that boundry
very rarely do i search for that anymore reducing my suspicions to thinking of the puppet-masters rigging up this retarded fear machine at the airport in the goverment killing saddam destroying bagdad destroying america selling everything out
how lame is that? nothing but the real world affected by the real world a one-dimensional bore
at that party a few nights ago i wondered why i don't feel the same way about dress-up that most of the faeries feel
i kinda like it it's fun that they make themselves up so... but i guess i lost interest in impressing people like that impressing people or was it just fun? just self expression and play? if it is, then it is
i told the story of how i wore makeup daily my last year in high school
oh but i'm getting distracted
i saw this guy in the airport an hour ago he had long straight dark hair a trimmed beard wearing all black kinda tall big boots
elusive eyes i followed him around with mine for a while somehow i imagined he knew something he reminded me of the door there he was holding a glowing orb in his hand a crack in the wall creaking open
but maybe he just fancies himself a country singer
goat calls this the L.A. of the south.
people tell me that saturn return helps focus energy onto what can actually happen and helps release the energy of dreams that will never come true
but i like living looking for the door and attempting every twilight i can remember it to step off the ground and soar into the sky
these aren't the focus of my life (though, perhaps affecting the puppet masters, in whatever way, is) but they give each day, each moment a happy, private drama that keeps things interested
and i'm never bored...
maybe someday i'll find it
maybe i should just enjoy this version of the world get along with others play nice...