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July 3rd, 2004

(no subject) @ 08:30 pm

Current Mood: hole
Current Music: The Great Banks-Brokeback-Field Recordings from Cook County Water Table

it occurs to me that the majority of humanity occupies most of their time fighting entropy.

wait, that's wrong.
that is what is taught to us, let's say
that we are to make things better and better every day
until we're immortal?


my being an animal has confusion and trouble with this
i'm trying now to settle into the simplicity of myself
my animal
and i'm angry
(laughs)
scared animal?
sure: most of them are
there is a maniac race trying to make it impossible for them to live so that only one race survives
and when that is complete
that race will then make it impossible for all of those lesser than they to survive
(once, of course, they have advanced their technology enough not to need their lowly servants)
once that is complete
will they discover love?
and all unify into one being?
(laughs)
or will then then kill each other by amazing advanced means
now being immortal
it being very difficult
like a cult of vampires
just dramatically sucking the life out of their adversaries (as everything has become at this point)
and when that is complete
and one Man (will it be a man or a woman? will this race be fit to call "man" at that point?)
will reach up and take God's hand
and everything will cease.

(laughs)

Neck Exercises...
a friend sent me a link to do neck exercises
and it occurred to me as silly
as all beauty ads appeal
as all fashion ads appeal
to this "not looking your age"
or even "not looking like you live the kind of life you live"

one of the things i love about yoga is
it is a way of life

one of the reasons i respect Leo so much
is his Way of Live
(it's all about the Way, right?)
Leo talks to god a few times every day
it doesn't matter if it's in the form of christianity
what the fuck ever
how many times a day (laughs -- week? month?) do you sit down and devote an hour or so to connecting with your idea of eternity?

many people have referred to me as "yogi"
being up here, though, almost makes me stop doing yoga.

being in the city makes me do yoga every day
i have to work so hard against turning into Cement

up here
i just sway with the breeze

time to do a little "climb the tree" yoga
yes..
(laughs)

Oh, by the way, i got that antenna out of the tree
climbed up there with only a lock-pliers thing...
aluminum!
broke off all the spokes
undid the bolts
used the free'd metal pole to pry one of the broken metal pieces out of the tree that had grown around it
but the other one
i could not get
and it made me think of the middle-age'd men i sometimes try to Change
Heal
whatever
Old
they'd been living this way a LONG TIME
i come by
and rip out something they've grown around
sure, something that isn't good for them
or helps them
something that's a burden
something that's creating unhealthy patterns for them
but then they're left with a gaping Hole!
and there are always bits that remain...
even a scar is a reminder.

(sigh)

but i felt the tree was happier
and i checked in with myself
>> are you doing this for yourself or for the tree?<<
of course, for myself
but yes, for the tree
it's good to do things for both of us
and i believe we were both happier.

today i had my first massage client up here
and it was great
i , being on the 10th day of fasting, worked very slow
the massage was 2.5hrs and i didn't do nearly as much as i generally do on the back
but then
he was hairy
and was allergic to oil, so we were using a strange lotion substance
what does the word "emollient" mean?
i'll look it up...
but anyway
he was amazed
he gets massaged all the time
and he said this was the best he'd ever had
(which i actually hear a lot)
$220

which made me feel really good.

it gave me license to be lazy the rest of the day and just get nothing done

(laughs)
which leads me back to neck excercises
(damn! i keep putting the "c" after the "x" when it just ISN'T necessary, i've gotta learn)
i just don't feel like i'm really working on making myself better

i feel the crux of this dilemma is not that i'm arrogant enough to think i don't need to improve
i actually said to someone online to day ' i'm only 26, i've got a lot of growing yet to do '

but i feel so ...
what is it?

i don't want to say i feel hopeless

michael moore's new film is direct example that you can change things
he's done a great job
and that's uplifting

maybe i'm getting Zen and feeling that it's just not important
nothing is anything anyway

and though that's a viewpoint
i've always hated it
it's so pointless

but then
i look at things
and they certainly SEEM pointless

but life goes on
day by day
whatever your life is
and i think most people just try and forget about the meaning of things
the reasons
the why's
coz they don't make any sense
and they're not clear
and they're really hardly very useful anyway
unless you elevate yourself to the level where you're actually manipulating the Whys
or come to a level of consciousness where you know all the time that you're in accord with a Why you agree with

and it really is more pleasureable to just eat food you like
and do what you like
and perpetuate cycles
and let the river flow
and keep things as they're going
as they'll always go
entropy all ways wins in the end anyway
so it doesn't really matter
and though there are people who are Go-Getters acting out their passions and perversions on the World At Large
you can always sit on a mountain top
and Think about suing the wine company down there who are spraying chemicals every day with their loud tractors...
but you can always move to an other mountain further away
smoke yourself into a stooper and get on with your life there
or move to another country and learn the language to a degree
reclude, to a degree
enjoy a foreign culture you'll never know the nuances of
thus enjoy more
and try to ignore the rampant destruction going on there
to feed the country you left
who are trying to devour the world.

Hm.
i'm in a hole, aren't i?

excuse me? how do i get out of here?
were is there to go?

mmmm
i'll find a nice river
and jump in
and see where it takes me.

this isn't helping, sorry.
hopefully, no one read this far

la la la.

post it anyway?
Sure: be where you are kid.

alright
as meaningless as it seems
i love ya all.
 
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[User Picture Icon]
From:chefxh
Date:July 3rd, 2004 09:56 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I read it all
love is never meaningless
*hug* love you too kiddo

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