scared @ 06:30 pm
i'm pretty amazed at how scary things can be
i wanted to write about Goat
and my relationship with him
two days ago?
i was scared
i kept coming up with other things to do
so scared i didn't know i was scared
(yesterday i had an idea)
today it was clearer
i came into the shop with that intention
and i kept having to fight all my impulses
even this introduction is keeping me from writing about it
but at least this is leading to it
closer to it
on the path
& the writing is a path anyway.
Last night i showed Goat the film
have you seen that?
i really really love that film
but i hadn't seen it since 1998 or something
... about the time that i believed i was just like the main character in it
and if i could get myself together enough
i could end all of the delusions of the world..
the film was entertaining
but not gripping...
not until the ending bits
where he's had the last imprint put in his head
and Dr Schreiber keeps appearing and encouraging him to develop his gifts through his childhood
... it appeals to the great tradgedy i feel of NOT having a Harry Potter childhood
of not having a mentor who was there from an early age
giving me faith in myself
and teaching me how to see and touch and interract with the world behind this world
and the line where he first meets his wife
and the Dr interrupts him right before they kiss
"There's no time for Romance, John:
the world is what you make it"
always resonates so strongly in me:
when i hit puberty
i quickly decided i Would Never Marry
that coupling isn't for me
i had better things to do with my life
than waste my time feeling all rosy
and pining away for someone
sex changed that
the allure of sex
and the intense feeling...
the teacher i seduced
being slammed down into the mats
it force emotions into play that my mind didn't know how to deal with
my child-hood experiments with my best friend:
orgasming with someone let me feel connection out of my body
that feeling of alienation and aloneness could be cured
and could that ever be forever?
i've never seen evidence of it in my life
my parents relationship is a nightmare of dependance, ignorance, and loneliness
and i've never felt happy with relationships i've seen other people in
-- i wouldn't want to be a part of them myself
it's like so many things in my life
my virgo rising:
i know the way it SHOULD be
and because i don't think it will ever be like that
i prefer to not do it at all
(that's why i live my life so open to chance: with no expectations there can be no disappointment... but i do slip up on that from time to time, HA!)
so how have my relationships gone, then?
it's all these fucking fire signs...
with an Aries
it's always Square One
an Aries never gets past that
and guess what takes up Square One?
they don't really care what's going on with me
they just know they would love to have me as the object of their affection
everything in the world is
it just is
and that's pretty boring
it is so much more
it is anything
all that shit
if it's for someone else, you see
to make it for them
to bestow it on them
do it to them
it's all for their self satisfaction
but they need an audience for it.
(many people think that God has the same fascination with all of us...)
so they see me and snatch me up and suggest i be their husband/partner/audience/doll
(because it's always forever with them . . . as long as you can keep their attention)
and i get suckered into doing it
because they're cute and fun
and it SOUNDS like a good idea
but it never works out like that, does it?
it's near impossible to be equal friends with them
because they are oblivious to anything beyond their experience
so i can stand behind them and direct them
or be played upon by them...
i keep trying.
i've really got to stop...
it's driving me crazy
but my moon is Aries
so imagine i need to learn something about my internal drive
which is just like this:
direct and oblivious to the other person's experience...
even if it's about them!
what was i doing before this relationship nightmare?
it as ME who went to them saying
"WOW, you're SO AMAZING!"
and they're really into that
they love attention
so long as it's adoring
and when my love turned to criticism
they would turn off the lights and sulk
coz they only want admiration
and that game wasn't fun for me
(but my mars is conjunct saturn in Leo... so i have amazing sex with them... and it's all daddy and competition and PASSION... passion and pain... the stifled witness... but couldn't i learn so much from them? fuck it!)
i got really interested in Aquarius
have been over and over (my brother is . . .)
i imagine that they're so intelligent that they can help me
that they can help expose all the truths
all the angles
and together we can change the world
cept i change my mind all the time
and they are stuck in their beliefs
both of us
being imperfect as we are
never get very far
i always get bored with the idea of LOVE
because i want to run off and do something else
and though i love the feeling of togetherness
i like living without it for a time
to savour it again when i get it
it just makes them longing and lonely
and i don't like doing that to people
but when i'm with someone
and call them my Partner or Boy Friend or something
i identify with them
and after a while
i see all of their hitches
and come up with all sorts of advice to help them out
they generally don't want to hear it
they kinda know anyway
they're doing these things to annihilate them selves
but if i tell them that
they have to annihilate me too
or do MORE of the things i see them doing to forget even harder.
i know i do this same thing
but i want my lover to point them out to me as well
to say things like
"now, dominic: you're attacking my character... which just means your insecure... why don't you calm down and let me hold you til you're feeling better so we can try this conversation again?"
" . . you know you don't want to do that. why don't you go be alone for a while and come back when you're centered?"
the only man i've ever found like that is Leo (the man, who's a Taurus in the last degree... with lots of gemini in his chart)
and my biggest problem with him is how non-self-obsessed he is
coz most of my friends are artist and the like
i'm accustomed to self-obsession
and Leo just doesn't take care of himself
and i can't make him
and when i see him hurting himself
it drives me nuts
and because he doesn't see it like this
he wants me to participate in it
having to say "no" all the time isn't fun for me
so i visit him
... he's still my favourite lover.
but even with him i feel alone very often.
so now with goat
it's got to that point where i was tired of playing along with the Love Story
and i just started hammering in on him
.. i guess i stopped being "nice" a while ago
we had a conversation the night before the solstice where he asked questions
i posed postulates
and he took those and made his decision
" i will do something i will regret the rest of my life because i am scared "
which just makes me lose admiration for someone
... to Consciously choose something like that
violated one of my boundaries that i've kinda been harping him about
and didn't aknoledge or appologize
so when i tried to get him to
he blew up at me
complete lack of compassion and understanding
and total self - obsession
he's been throwing tantrums
and i've been getting pissier
it's come to clarity for me that he's under way too much stress and pressure right now to be present with me
and i NEED to be present with myself
i'm in my saturn return and need to build my life
and i cannot let someone who's accepting of his own fumbling and misery build it with me
that's what it comes down to
if i cannot build the world with someone in a shared image
why be with them?
that's so important for me right now
i have so many things i need to work out and come to understanding of
and Goat is at that point in his life (or has come to the decision )
that things just are the way they are
and that's just the way they will always be
he daily reiterates his belief in
such things as:
things will never work out for me
i never get what i want
i never do anything right the first time
i cannot have the awareness not to lose or damage things around me
and he deals with his emotions about this mostly with anger
and with throwing tantrums
and i just don't want that as an example
nor as a partner in ways of doing things.
(i find aries kinda embarrassing in the company of others...
.. i keep thinking i need to put in my profiles:
" if you're an aries, please look elsewhere... and if you're a leo, i'd love to have sex with you, but no relationship beyond that "
... but i don't what to be that much of an asshole. )
... so today
i watched A Beautiful Mind
which many people told me to watch last year
and i had to wonder, of course
if all of my desires are delusions...
like i felt when i watched "the Sixth Sense"
am i that crazy?
but i really don't feel crazy
and i feel my hardships are worth going after what i feel is important
goat freaked out and threw a tantrum and slammed around the house
screaming and smashing things
he picked up a cast iron stove top and smashed it in front of me
and i felt scared
would he do this to me?
... i wanted to write anyway
so i came in to do so...
i've committed myself to wrapping up my life here
i'll probably settle somewhere around NYC again
but that won't be for a while now
probably the fall...
i've got a long road a head of me
... as always.
the posting i made just before this is kinda in line with this posting
but it's not really a Post...
it's just notes i jotted to myself while staying with goat
i kept a little notebook by the side of the bed to put my ideas in
because i didn't have my computer with me to jot notes in there
... and because i've lost my last few paper journals
i thought i would bring it in and type it in today
peruse if you wish
if you've got this far
thank you for witnessing.
oh, and merry christmas