write about it!
anti social
emotional processing
mess on both sides
dreams
values
judegements
tired.
-----
i ask too much of the world
but i always will
not interested in settling
-----
i can tell love is not real
because i cannot feel it
& when it is real
- it will not forsake me
----
my love for him is not real
because i am not willing to pull him through his self-destruction
self alienation
.... when two people love eachother
does it nix all fears and give amazing courage to eachother?
have i found that yet?
recieved it?
i don't think so.
i guess that's true love.
---
"it's life --
activities available
-- just add meaning "
--"a beautiful mind"
---
Dark City --
"there's no time for romance:
the world is what you make it"
Joys of humanity
family. spouse
i must sacrifice myself from those
in order to be in the position i wish to be in
-- to create it.
---
does this make me schizophrenic?
--
WORLD ENTROPY
(the end is planned into the whole story)
--
Daniel Johnston:
another example of someone unable to love freely
-- the perversion of his emotions
yet immense passion
made him a great
ARTIST
-----
his wrecked lonely body
every image -- i wanted to hug him
i wanted to connect with him to let him know
he's not crazy
& help him express his visions
--- Communicate
---
talks about TV targeting chilcren
to cast spells
-- the most powerful imagination being tapped
to create the future
in their image.
-------
AIDS
a bad idea played out
everyone buys into it
consensual reality has to play along
it takes years to swallow our pride & forgive ourselves
& stop participating with respect (sanity: forgiveness, forget)
AIDS
the ultimate socially acceptable
excuase to garnish attention and lose all personal power.
-----
folding (pleated) comforter
maybe like kilt?
lots of fabric
in waves across the bed
layered down thickly
stitched to keep it from coming undone.
------
Aries Moon?
watching Peter Pan with Goat
--- the ever-hopeful
romanticism of Love
where as, the wholistic support & cynacism of Arthur
someone has to stan by, to witness
hold space for the boy
to have his flights...
i feel afraid of Goat
that he'll be angry --
that i'll hurt him
that there will be things
he'll never understand
~~OF COURSE~~
i want a man who'll kiss my neck -
i thought i knew all the answer to my wonderings...
a man to seduce me -
the long imagining of how
wo people can be together
--- the great many things
that could be created
the great many things that could be explored
That's the sum total of my want
& it comes with no Astrology nor physical type --
Arthur can never give himself to me as a lover
Leo is already wed to his eternal dying God
Nayland has reduced the world to the complex realm of colours --
simplifiying it to its abstract beauty (in shades of grey)
stripping it of its greatest textures.
what of Goat?
what of Robert & Trevis?
the bears, the bodies, the boys
the million hopes
i've had & having
not dead ends ---
bot LIFE:
gestation chambers,
holding patterns.
until i'm ready to Grow Up
join the human world
----
write a story
about the stories
people buy into
-- terror - poverty - beauty - sex ,etc..
with a character creating a new KRAZY!!! story
that people buy.
----
unified cursive text is far too restrictive for me
----
Nobody's perfect
No body will be perfect
best to take the pieces
i enjoy
a beautiful beard
voluptuous belly
ideal cock
No personality will be perfect
so enjoy the pieces despite that
& it doesn't matter what the drawbacks
coz the world's large enough
to have a bit of everything
& leave when it becomes tiresome
but return when that's the flavour desired
i'm not saying i wouldn't appreciate the whole of one person
but i'd never expect it
& from the evidence witnessed
i have little hopes for it
--------
pictures of
marcel
louis
robert?trevis?sheridan?
-----
our lovers never see us
they never notice
what we really need
how much love we pour
& i -- as a lover
how much am i missing?
-------------
yakov:
my live would be the pearls
you would be the swine
-----
133:55 -- Suzzanna
------
no worchester sauce
square one
over&over&over
finance
anonymity
periods of time apart
to re-kindle the rush of meeting
Lesley loves the Weather.
------
how nice it would be to read my earlier journals
& see how i perceived the world
then
------
while fasting
i hunger for:
chocolate
________
deep dish pizza
rich red sauce
Lasagna . . .
Mousaka
fine cheeses
fig bread
chocolate
ethiopian food
chinese buffet
denny's
shitty diner food
white bread & bologna
salmon roe, caviar, cottage cheese
--------------
WORK?
Fasting
end of days
research:
albert pike
"morals of dogma" (1890)
fairy book of knowledge
"almost here"
Juliet Hulme
pauline parker
movies:
my own private idaho
jakob the liar
cafe wha?
spellbound
lost weekend
sand pebbles
i shot andy warhol
kids
tron
Adv baron Muchausen
the women
debbie does dallas
the italian
sketches of frank ghery
riding alone a thousand miles
somethings last a long time
why we fight
masked & anonymous
american hardcore
strange days
the crow
kiki's delivery service (miyazaki)
music:
osvaldo barrios ("retango")
marcos loya (vibes)
