write about it!

anti social
emotional processing
mess on both sides
dreams
values
judegements
tired.

-----

i ask too much of the world
but i always will
not interested in settling

-----

i can tell love is not real
because i cannot feel it
& when it is real
- it will not forsake me

----

my love for him is not real
because i am not willing to pull him through his self-destruction
self alienation


.... when two people love eachother
does it nix all fears and give amazing courage to eachother?

have i found that yet?
recieved it?

i don't think so.
i guess that's true love.

---

"it's life --
activities available
-- just add meaning "

--"a beautiful mind"

---

Dark City --

"there's no time for romance:
the world is what you make it"

Joys of humanity
family. spouse
i must sacrifice myself from those
in order to be in the position i wish to be in
-- to create it.


---

does this make me schizophrenic?

--

WORLD ENTROPY


(the end is planned into the whole story)
--

Daniel Johnston:


another example of someone unable to love freely
-- the perversion of his emotions
yet immense passion

made him a great
ARTIST

-----

his wrecked lonely body
every image -- i wanted to hug him
i wanted to connect with him to let him know
he's not crazy
& help him express his visions
--- Communicate

---

talks about TV targeting chilcren
to cast spells
-- the most powerful imagination being tapped
to create the future
in their image.

-------


AIDS
a bad idea played out
everyone buys into it

consensual reality has to play along

it takes years to swallow our pride & forgive ourselves
& stop participating with respect (sanity: forgiveness, forget)

AIDS
the ultimate socially acceptable
excuase to garnish attention and lose all personal power.

-----


folding (pleated) comforter
maybe like kilt?
lots of fabric
in waves across the bed
layered down thickly
stitched to keep it from coming undone.

------

Aries Moon?

watching Peter Pan with Goat
--- the ever-hopeful
romanticism of Love
where as, the wholistic support & cynacism of Arthur
someone has to stan by, to witness
hold space for the boy
to have his flights...

i feel afraid of Goat
that he'll be angry --
that i'll hurt him
that there will be things
he'll never understand

~~OF COURSE~~

i want a man who'll kiss my neck -
i thought i knew all the answer to my wonderings...
a man to seduce me -
the long imagining of how
wo people can be together
--- the great many things
that could be created
the great many things that could be explored

That's the sum total of my want
& it comes with no Astrology nor physical type --

Arthur can never give himself to me as a lover
Leo is already wed to his eternal dying God
Nayland has reduced the world to the complex realm of colours --
simplifiying it to its abstract beauty (in shades of grey)
stripping it of its greatest textures.

what of Goat?
what of Robert & Trevis?

the bears, the bodies, the boys
the million hopes
i've had & having
not dead ends ---
bot LIFE:
gestation chambers,
holding patterns.

until i'm ready to Grow Up
join the human world

----

write a story
about the stories
people buy into
-- terror - poverty - beauty - sex ,etc..
with a character creating a new KRAZY!!! story

that people buy.


----

unified cursive text is far too restrictive for me

----

Nobody's perfect

No body will be perfect
best to take the pieces
i enjoy
a beautiful beard
voluptuous belly
ideal cock

No personality will be perfect
so enjoy the pieces despite that

& it doesn't matter what the drawbacks
coz the world's large enough
to have a bit of everything
& leave when it becomes tiresome
but return when that's the flavour desired

i'm not saying i wouldn't appreciate the whole of one person
but i'd never expect it
& from the evidence witnessed
i have little hopes for it


--------

pictures of
marcel
louis
robert?trevis?sheridan?

-----


our lovers never see us
they never notice
what we really need
how much love we pour

& i -- as a lover
how much am i missing?


-------------


yakov:
my live would be the pearls
you would be the swine


-----

133:55 -- Suzzanna


------

no worchester sauce


square one
over&over&over

finance
anonymity

periods of time apart
to re-kindle the rush of meeting


Lesley loves the Weather.



------



how nice it would be to read my earlier journals
& see how i perceived the world
then


------

while fasting
i hunger for:

chocolate
________

deep dish pizza

rich red sauce
Lasagna . . .
Mousaka

fine cheeses
fig bread

chocolate

ethiopian food

chinese buffet

denny's
shitty diner food

white bread & bologna

salmon roe, caviar, cottage cheese


--------------


WORK?

Fasting


end of days




research:

albert pike
"morals of dogma" (1890)

fairy book of knowledge

"almost here"

Juliet Hulme
pauline parker



movies:

my own private idaho
jakob the liar

cafe wha?
spellbound
lost weekend
sand pebbles

i shot andy warhol
kids
tron

Adv baron Muchausen

the women

debbie does dallas

the italian
sketches of frank ghery
riding alone a thousand miles

somethings last a long time
why we fight
masked & anonymous
american hardcore
strange days
the crow

kiki's delivery service (miyazaki)

music:

osvaldo barrios ("retango")

marcos loya (vibes)