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December 22nd, 2006

what it is @ 04:26 pm


i've surprised myself at how obsessed i've been with Daniel Johnston the last few days

looking back at it:
i spent the entire day i was having my retrograded Saturn Return
watching that documentary
and it rekindled many things in me that i've put down

i didn't know much about him, really
but what really struck me
is i saw him as a kid
just like me
like trevis
like other lost boys i loved
and i just wanted to be with him
love him
heal him

(laughs)

that feeling that if i could just be present with someone with love
it would heal all of them
... to the extent they could be present with me being present with them
be present to themselves.

i think this is how i feel about all of my relationships

i want to do this with them

and yes
i want them to do this with me
for me
in the same way

i've always wanted a lover who would put themselves aside to be fully present to me for me and with me
but have never really found that

oh, not reciprocally
of course


can i try and focus?

i was saying this about Daniel
because i wanted to write him a letter
and just send love
let him know what i felt

then i wondered if he'd have the patience to read a letter
and is that his medium?

i then thought
i could take an audio tape and record on it
like he did with his friend
... like i used to do with some of mine
then it further occurred to me
that the current contemporary equivalent of that
would be to record myself with my camera
and burn it to a DVD for him

AH HA!

so i went hog-wild! doing that
in the last few days
every thought i'd had relating to the issue
of the lost boy
the crazy
the oppressive family
the pharmaceutical nightmare
the world behind the world

i've been turning the camera on myself and talking to Daniel about it

or talking as i walk through the forest

... it's hard to say it all
and i'm beginning to wonder if i'll just scare and confuse him
or if he even has a DVD player
he probably does
but would his parents open the letter and watch the video before they gave it to him?

the kid in me is appealing to reach out to the kid in him
and the kid in me is kinda terrified and very distrustful of adults
HA!

my friends' parents growing up
they'd always look through their shit

no rights!

but that's what it's like living under your parents' roof, eh?


so
anyway
i'm all vulnerable
and obsessed with this lost boy feeling
and being back with goat is proving harder and harder

the same feeling Eli got angry with me about years ago
-- being my emotional processor
is driving me crazy
... it's the same thing i used to do for my mother

goat just tells me all these sad terrible things
form a stance where it's impossible for them to be any better
that
coupled with the fact that i have no private space
i'm feeling the pressure

my worried shoes

so i snapped at him yesterday
and the whole thing boiled down to him feeling like he'd fucked up
and did i just emotionally manipulate him into feeling that?

i try to take my credit for my own difficulty
but it came down the emotional mire
of how i just didn't feel like this was going to work
nor did he

we turned over and over in the dark
not sleeping for hours

after a fun night at a dinner party!

so
where do we go from here?


i just got off the phone with Kwai
and told him i'm feeling more Artistically inspired and capable than any time in my life
even with all the shit going down of my saturn return
i'm happy with how i'm processing

... so the story plays out...

 
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