i took a path more travelled
and i am forever the mired
It's better to regret something you have done over something you haven't.
two years ago
i had all sorts of strong feelings to go live in seattle with my friend Michael
i like Michael
and had known him for a few years through the faeries
and had travelled with him in europe
his partner had left him when he returned
and he had a big house with lots of empty space
so he said i could have one of the rooms
he was starting a travel company
-- though i didn't necessarily fancy myself a tour guide
(his image is much more reserved than mine)
i wanted to see if i could work with him and learn some things about the business
and maybe get to go on some trips to places i wouldn't go otherwise
but as the time grew closer
he decided to re-work the house for offices
and my room was gone
but i could sleep in his bed
and as the time grew closer
through our conversations
he offered the idea that we could be monogamous
(coz i had expressed i'd always been curious as to what that'd be like... and this was also in my phase of learning how to be a bottom: and he's a good top)
and though it all sounded attractive
the closer i got to it
the more terrified i became:
i wanted to make a break from my pattern of going to live with people
try to have a relationship with them
AND work with them some how
all of a sudden
my "living with a friend" idea
had become everything i DIDNOT want
before it even got a chance to happen
(it usually takes a few months...)
so i balked.
some guy i knew in SF offered me his house near the Castro
and to take over his flower stand while he was back east taking care of his parents
-- i also wanted to find other ways to make money than doing massage
and having more social interraction
(i'd just been living up in the hermitage on and off for two years)
so this seemed perfect
in SF, near my stuff in the hermitage
the hot springs
which i knew i'd want it to be anyway.
a week into that scheme
i realized it was all bullshit
the guy was a total flake
and had basically made up all that stuff to get me to live with him
that's still pretty quick for everything to go sour.
i crashed at a few friend's houses in SF
looking for an apartment of my own.
three weeks into the fruitless search
(everyone i contacted through craigslist were flakes, i rarely ever got the chance to be disappointed by the inflated rent)
another wandering friend of mine contacted me through email about my Absinth recipie
-- i called her in response
and was shocked to hear she'd got her self a place in Manhattan
(which she hated)
and was also looking for a roommate (we'd talked about living together before)
for only $300 a month
well, it all must be perfect
it took about a week for things to go sour there too
and after a month
pretty much everything was a mess
i tried to grow and progress
but i forgot my goals
had no friends
and was mostly happiest with my massage clients
which made me very depressed.
a few days ago
when i was filling in the pot holes in our road
i couldn't get him out of my mind
wanted to appologize for my harsh change of mind
i just wrote him a letter
(it was nearly two years ago exactly that this path was forsaken)
looking at everything that has happened now
i actually regret not following my initial impulse to live with my friend in Seattle...
who knows if it would have been such a disaster as i thought?
-- i just looked at his web site and it's still running
a gay travel company
to cities and jungles and ruins and museums
covering all the bases for rich fags and dykes alike
it would be wonderful to work with that
to be grounded there
learning of all these places through other travellers
having another way to make money
and maybe have worked through some of my shit with one of the more mature (emotionally) lovers i've known
(oh, on second thought, i remember how tired of was of Leo drinking ever night... and Michael also had that tendency)
i so rarely regret the past
but if i could take it all back
i most certainly would.
an advertisement for my friend's company:
well organized trips for Gay and Lesbian folks all around the world
small groups, all queer. all guides queer.
the tours include the queer things, but also the whole picture.
check it out if you're thinking of a holiday...