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November 27th, 2006

yesterday in reality @ 05:39 pm


Yesterday
goat got out of bed earlier than i do
as he always seems to do

i heard him chopping wood
so i struggled through getting out of bed
stretched a bit
put on some clothes

made some Lemonade
a pot of tea. . .
and went to find the goat...

he was resting in the hammock
chest still heaving
just finished

i gave him a sip
and offered to make him breakfast...

i guess we had a big day ahead of us
i know i had plans:
the dirt road we live on has some holes
and i've got to use that road at least twice almost every day
so i'm tired of driving around them:
i'm a-gonna go fill them in!

so i cooked some turkey italian sausage in the cast-iron skillet
scrambled some eggs with milk, salt, pepper, oregano,thyme,basil
grated some cheese over it (as he likes it)

just before i finished
i saw him walking naked across the yard

he came into the kitchen
stinking of goat

'you smell all goaty' i said
he just giggled the way he does
faux bashful
an growled "i've been a bad goat"
just fucked pumpkin...

but he put on his pants
and some barbeque sauce on the plate of food i gave him...

i had some more of James' Chow-Chow i'd got from the flea market last weekend
hmmmm

we ate on the back porch looking out at the trees
i asked
he pointed which trees were Poplar and which were Sassafras

then we got into the conversation about Bill Bill
where he was explaining the relationship and his feelings to me
and i was telling him i wanted him to be more direct an honest
-- that i am a mess
and feel i need to get myself together
and i don't want to just be a mess in front of him
i need him to help me
by being direct and honest about what he's feeling and what he needs

he, of course, did not agree to that relationship
he just went back to talking about his other one

so i got up and went to find the spade

had on my big RedWing working boots
i'd not worn in a year
so heavy
they just drag me down onto the earth

i have no good working pants here
so put on some strange grey ones from my inherited wardrobe (from that crazy guy in NJ)

i walked down our road with the spade in my left hand
always carrying it there
because i've noticed how much smaller my left arm is than my right
so it's time to start balancing that

these roads are different than the California roads around the Hermitage
different clay, different stone
but i set out to fill in the holes
with dead leaves and excess gravel that gathers in the middle

after the first hole
i was sweating
so i took my shirt off

yes
very nice to be shirtless in the sun at the end of november...

i walked a mile or more
filling in holes as i went
learning new techniques as i went along
(that's how i learn: by doing)
so that
after i'd finished filling in holes on the main road
when i walked back to the first i'd filled
they looked so shoddy

i only touched them up slightly...

but it made me feel good to do the work
to smell the sweat from my arms
feel the slight pain in my left arm from using it so much
carrying the shovel there
i could SEE that it was bigger than my right now (just work-out bigger, you understand)

accomplishment.

so much so
that back at the house
i was tired
i talked with goat a bit
but went into the house
and lay down
we napped/cuddled/talked a while
but these short days go quick
so we had some bits of snacks
coco nibs and fig bread
then i helped him pull down the cement block he'd put in the kitchen wall for a stove pipe
that now won't be used...

i walked up the hill to call my sister on my mobile
[it's the only place around here i've got a good enough signal where i can comfortably have a conversation]

i lay on a fallen tree
listening to my sister talk about releasing dog's anal glands
and other sundry:
she quit the job at my dad's office
and is now working at a Veterinary office
... which is what she wanted to do when she was younger
but gave up the idea on because
"i'm not smart enough"
she said

silly girl

she took a large pay cut for this job
but she's learning a lot
and loving it
(which she was doing neither at my father's office)

she was exhausted
she's been working so much
but it was good to hear that she was doing something she loved
and for the first time in years
she sounded really sober
and i felt very glad to talk with her

her intelligence came out
and i was asking her questions she could give me detailed answers on
... i don't remember her ever doing that before
... or me ever treating her like that

it was a great conversation

funny, some kids on 4-Wheelers came by and paused looking down at me for a while
the noise was loud from the engines
so i turned up to see what they were doing:
just watching me
and like a boogey man
they were terrified that i saw them
they sped off with shrieks...

it was fun to talk with my sister about esoteric stuff as well as mundane things
i told her some of my beliefs "gay culture"
being that "gay" is only necessary for this point in history
in the past that i imagine
all men and women were sensual as they wanted/needed
and men would have sex with each other to varying degrees as they grew up
focusing more on their wives and families in that period of their life
and resuming their homosexual focus when they didn't want to have anymore children
-- natures simplest form of birth control

but what lead to this was some conversation about eye contact
and how i told her i'd made my brother and Heather do it before their wedding
so i went through lengths to explain gay cruising
(you make eye contact, feel a tingle in your belly/balls and then make an action from it)
(i told this to my friend, martian, in switzerland, and he said "and you presume straight people don't cruise?")
(my sister said she'd never heard of it)

i suggested she try it with my mother
(not cruising, but making eye contact with her and keeping it
so she could fully empathize with my mother... follow the emotional experience... see what sort of difference it made)

in this process
i was playing with some of the trees that had fallen down three years ago
blocking the path

i kicked some
jumped on some
they were breaking off
old, dead, brittle

another
i jumped up and grabbed on to
bouncing
pulling it down
til it snapped
and smashed down on my shoulder

... but i do like having little flesh wounds

the night came on
beautiful sunset
i always remark i've seen many sunsets, and hope to see more sunrises in my life
... my sister regretted she hadn't seen much of either

different lives
the end of our conversation made me feel slightly guilty that she worked so hard to make so little
with so many bills
where as
i work so little
and make so much more
with so few bills

though she's working at giving herself a career
mine isn't a career as such

i hope
in my "free time" i'm working to build myself a life
though it is a struggle...

a struggle to make love with life.



i carried two of the large branches i'd broken off the fallen tree
one in each hand
back to the house

shoulders hurting
a good hurt
a Doing Things hurt.

dropped them outside
took off my pants
and got in bed with goat...

who was his "Flip the Frog" tapes onto DVD
-- it was strange
i'd never seen them before
... but i couldn't stay awake...

when i woke
we watched south park and Lemminy Snicket's and Wondershowzen
which put me in the rotten mood i wrote about earlier today

but that poetry review i was typing in . . .
the last paragraph had a line very fitting to my day:
"It takes Love to face our lives"

indeed
sometimes i forget completely
- always grateful when i remember again.

 
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