i said to myself
when i had a visitor around noon
and spent a few hours with him
noticing it changed my pull to the computer
-- as if the sex magic was willing that for me
i was grateful
and lay in the sun on the bed on the deck for hours
reading Arthur's book
( a man i went to brazil with.. he's in his 70's now... was in his late 20's when this story was lived... must have been in the late 50's -- amazing story of him comming to consciousness while being a missionary in guatemala... any of you who might be interested, it's called "with eyes to see" by Arthur Melville )
getting angry at the injustices of the world
(though portrayed through a third-world context always makes these things clearer: they happen everywhere; Definately here in the USA)
but enjoying immensely being privy to his growth process
kindled my desire to learn Spanish again
to live in a third world country
somewhere in south america
where i can see people who live with the earth in a natural way and have been doing so for hundreds of years
suggest: where does this STILL happen?
i'm sure the world will tell me.
i got a bit burnt by the sun
not too much that it was painful
but enough that my shoulders tell me so everytime i'm in the sun.
yesterday i started my lemonade fast...
[ http://www.newjerseybrasil.com/master-cleanse-diet.html -- if you've never heard of it ]
the ammount of clarity and calm and Focus that comes from fasting is SO sweet
i recommend it to everyone...
but then, i recommend yoga and many other things and
works for me.
i'm feeling great today
facilitating my fast by drinking down some psyllium
and a guy i know from santa rosa came by today
his visit was sweet
and seemed very clear
-- ways in which i would usually resond to thoughts and emotions were noted
but not done
i felt very free, friendly, playful and loving
whilst also being able to nurture myself how i needed.
i feel like a winner
laying out in the sun
i noticed a metal thing glinting up in one of the biggest, tallest trees right next to the house
i asked Leo about it a few days ago and he told me it was a TV areal from back when they used things like that
the tree grew up and took it with it
seperated the wire from the house a long time ago...
i looked up the tree
and saw the wire hanging down
it bothers me that people use nature as a trash pit
so i walked around today looking for a ladder
in standard fashion
leo had been using it and it was in the main room
though i looked a few places before finding it there: right in front of my eyes.
it wasn't long enough, though
this tree is TALL
and i couldn't reach the branches even with a six-foot boost
so i kept walking around
my intuition took me behind the shed...
i found a long aluminum extension ladder back there
(oh, don't hate me, but i'm lighting a candle now to burn the moths and bugs that are flying around my computer screen)
there we go, that should take care of them
Um, i mean, i just made some Lemonade too
hmmm, with a bit of ginger.
where was i?
i got this BIG ladder
and it was kinda scary
but i told myself i don't need to be scared of ladders
i had it firmly placed on the ground and against the big tree
but i climbed that ladder slowly
and told myself i would feel much better once i got into the tree
the tree was amazing
i have never climbed so high in such a big tree
lots of dead branches
but so many live ones, HUGE ones
strong and assuring
i had no fear she'd drop me
what a big tree...
up and up and up
the wire had wrapt itself around some of the branches
i sat my naked butt down
(oh, did i mention i was climbing the tree naked? i do everything naked when i can)
on a branch covered in Sap
and took the time to do it right
this was all about being nice to the tree.
i threw some of the wire
trying to get it clear of the tree
and it went expertly onto the branch of a near-by Oak
i latter realized it would have been smarter to just throw it directly down
and then when i descended i could have knocked it down til it was fully on the ground
but i got MOST of the wire out
and when i got to the antenna
i wasn't too surprised to noticed the tree had grown around a good deal of it
but the bulk of it was still moveable
but MUCH bigger than i imagined
and i had no way of manouvering it through those branches
even though it WAS loose
so i cleaned out the tree
because this big hunk of metal was stuck in it
all the falling needles and twigs over the years had got STUCK there in that crux
and a fine dark mulch had formed
but i knocked it all out
with what looked like Mice-nests too...
luckily: nothing living there
but SUCH a mess!
i vowed to return with proper tools for dismanteling the archaic contraption
and headed back down the tree
ONLY to be surprised by our "neighbour" Chris
( have i mentioned my predjudice against "chris"s? )
who bought the property next to ours
and has plans
but has still done Nothing
nothing but install a pre-built shed to keep his tools in
he comes by and stares and thinks, i guess
can't fault a guy for that
but talking with him is like listening to a litany of the sorrows of those who just Never learn their lesson
told in the hemming-and-hawing style of someone who knows they are someone who's boring the pants off you
he drives up and and i'm half-way down the tree
i don't really WANT to seduce him
especially not now
so i wait a moment for him to go off behind the shed onto his property
he was not in work clothes today
i knew he would not be long
maybe he's growing something back there?
i took my chance and sailed down the tree
down the ladder
into the house
covered with sap and dirt
i read another tale by Samuel R Delaney
with a girl who could read minds better than anyone else
she was nine
and the pain she experienced from not being able to control her telepathy
and just hearing everyone's craziness, pain, fears, etc...
made here totally suicidal
but there was a new pop star
who made music out of silence as much as he did noise
i loved his description of the music...
"... it's so alive! But with life the way it should be. Not without pain, but with pain contained, ordered, given form and meaning so that it's almost all right again. "
in the future, pop music and noise music will merge on the radio, is it already happening?
no, i mean LESS ordered than that...
i don't mean to get long winded here
but you know i always am
another quote from the story i finished yesterday
"Loving someone... I mean really loving someone ... means you are willing to admit the person you live is not what you first fell in love with, not the image you first had; and you must be able to like them still for being so close to that image as they are, and avoid disliking them for being so far away"
-- isn't that fucking Great?
i started reading this guy coz i thought he was Hot
and he was introduced me in a human way
a real way that i might meet him sometime easily
and in the context that he was Bi-sexual
so i was certainly interested
but i LOVE his mind too
this gets me to my favourite topics
Mind and Love!
i was talking with a friend yesterday
someone i LOVE a lot
someone i find REALLY hot
but i've never had sex with him, really
i met him just after he'd commited to his new lover
so he was monogamous
and could only tease me with his attraction, desire and beauty
i asked him how his relationship is working out
"oh, he's meditating a lot..."
and i talked about how i kept getting intuitions telling me i should do that more
"it makes him SOOOOOOO loving"
which brought up a whole context for me
and what that resonates in me
how meditation is a way of becoming conscious of and honing your life
clearly choosing what you will experience and won't
which CAN be a good thing
i'm always afraid of really yielding such power
knowing well that many of the gifts i've received in life have come capriciously on my part
being open to the flow of things
i'm afraid of making decisions... often
but i know that it is the phase of my life i am in
really learning how to decide
once again, i think i sound retarded... perhaps i am.
but the idea of being able to be with someone and just LOVE them and feel their love
oh.. i yearn for it so
so much that it's scary, of course
(and the candle next to me flickers from feasting)
no conclusions tonight
just wanted to let you know where i am
love to you all
(whenever you do)
i just went back to what i was doing (reading a friend's email)
and remembered what initially prompted me to write this entry
i forgot to say!
i walked out to the road
just to see what had really been done to our driveway...
i found Francis... he was alright
and ... There was still a few Yerba Sante plants left
i felt so happy i forgot about the stupidity of greed
and kicked through the incredibly hot dust
(the driveway had become like sand, but lighter... my feet almost dissapeared at every step below a soft powdery soil that would all dissapear at the first rains... which won't come for months now... dirty feet on all my walks.. ah, so it goes)
gratitude and love to the plants... and the people, i guess