so i'm talking
(more listening, as my voice is still hardly there)
to Marcel's friend at this art/store opening thing yesterday
and he says
"... and of course, i have a face meant for radio..."
which distracts me slightly from what he's saying..
so i look at his face
he has big eyes
we joke -- paying extra NOT to get a close shave
he's an artist
performance art, visual art...
everyone i meet here is an artist
or i just love them anyway..
what does he mean?
he thinks he's ugly?
we're talking about older men
how we like to have sex with older men
he's talking about something
and mentions how he's not good to look at
i don't understand this.
someone older than me
someone who's had this his whole life
someone who is successful in his art and expression
and he's a performer too!
but he doesn't like the way he look
doesn't think he's sexy..
and i don't see it.
i don't understand..
why isn't he sexy?
there are a million over-styled people around us
he is much more interesting to me
... perhaps because we are talking already
he doesn't look so self conscious
perhaps because he "knows he's not beautiful" he can just relax
and not have to TRY to appear ...
is this how it serves him?
some trick to set him off, again, from his peers?
i imagine him with a beard
and tell him it would be sexy
he could harness his sexual prowess just from embracing his visage..
one of the things i've noticed this year is that i don't think i'm beautiful right now
i often think i look trashy
often i have thought "this is very un-glamorous"
truth be told: i've never been a glamorous person
so i don't know why this should get me down
and i've never TRIED to look beautiful
(well, occasionally when prancing around naked...
occasionally when i was 17 and dressing in trashy suits...
but it was always a game )
i look at myself in the mirror
a little flushed
stupid spots on my face from all my excess heat
-- my arms are too small
my chest isn't big enough
... i wish my balls hung lower
but how does this serve me?
and i find it kinda shocking, kinda stupid that i even bother
but i was an ugly child
told constantly how ugly i was
what a freak i was
in words and deeds
i knew how repulsive i was
it was very confusing to me when i became "beautiful"
and all the girls wanted me
when all the men wanted me
and even some other (insecure bitches) people would try and put me down
"the only reason they tell you you're beautiful is so they can fuck you"
"of course you're beautiful to lonely sad ugly people"
and i wonder how this was good for them
to say this
the hatred in their face
making them ugly.
that i would masturbate to myself in the mirror when i was 12
that even still sometimes
i love the touch of my hands
i am a great lover!
and i am beautiful
i would look at myself in the mirror
"wow, you're SO COOL!"
but this year i've not been feeling so cool... so beautiful.
got a bit of a let down
lovers who don't love me
is that my story ?
and i'm sticking to it ?
lovers too busy for me
obviously they're not impressed
they don't find me beautiful
skin deep or heart full
how silly is that?
to compensate for how much less and less beautiful i feel
more and more people want to photograph me
use me as a model
just think i'm hot and beautiful and sexy
which is good
or i might forget
(when things get dark)
i arrived here at my friend's house last night after this swanky opening
and i just had to touch him
he's half italian, half dutch
he's got a broad forehead with thick brows
the most beautiful balls!
a crooked smile
and some odd blood clot problem with his leg that has kept it a gaping wound for over 9 years now..
and many times before that.
he's got a Leo rising.
do you know what that means?
i got him to take his clothes off
and started photographing him
with every click of the shutter he'd say
"oh, this is horrible..
why are you taking a picture of me?
oh, i'm so ugly
i'm too fat
my ugly legs
try as he might
he couldn't convince me
-- i just kept seeing him as really fucking hot.
and he has a Leo rising!
how dare he spit out such terrible bullshit about himself!
what good could that possibly do him?
like my lover robert
... i would pour pour pour love at him
and he'd just say
"oh, but i'm ugly, and fat, and too hairy, and not enough, and ugly ugly"
with a leo sun and rising!
to destroy himself at his weakest point...
HIS WHOLE LIFE!
World: this is not OK
it is not fun
and i will not accept it.
what i love about loving
is i can get right into the beauty and play in it
what i love about massage
is i can touch someone who is ugly and uptight and angry and sad and hates himself
and i can find him through there
and i can peel off his bullshit wall of lies (um, i mean beliefs)
and i can let him shine out
contrary to many's beliefs
Everyone is beautiful
especially when they're not constantly Making themselves ugly
because the world is beautiful
and god is beautiful
and we're all a product of god
and a product of the world
and a product of god through the world
and not only is it GOOD
... as a default!
let's stop making ugly, i love you
and i refuse to play along with the ugly game any more.