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June 22nd, 2004

passing out of anger into early morning thoughts @ 12:15 pm

Current Mood: stuffy
Current Music: DNTEL - Life is full of possibilities

anger
seething anger.


i arrived Home yesterday
to see that one of our Neighbours
had bulldozed our drive way.

he thought he would redirect the Road.
(now, let it be said, i live on a dirt road in the mountains of the meth capitol of california, but...)
apparently
the road goes through his property
and he doesn't live there
but wants to sell it
and thought he would make more
if he directed the road down our driveway
and then cut a path through the forest
around his property
( w h a t t h e f*u*c*k* ?)

not only is it ugly
he took the little statue of St Francis who-knows-where
and killed all of the medicinal herbs i loved
that grew there after the firemen cut the trees down for safety
and then burnt them

my favourite plants from the area grew back in those trees place
and now they've all been killed by this greedy ignorant fool
who thought he would "get away with it"

oh, and he broke the water-pipe for all the people on the hill

stupid!

now, not only is he stupid
but the president of our country is stupid
in very similar ways
an not only he
but people of the world in general
and not just us people of the world in general
but the history of our race back thousands of years
and what i want to know is
how the hell can God let such stupidity reign supreme?
and when did i start believing in God with a big "g"?
and when did i start care about all this stupidity again?

i'm so angry!

i'm so fucking angry!

i'm angry about everything
and i cannot escape it

the chemical haze over the valley on such a pristine beautiful day
the fact that all of the vineyards are not only pumping chemicals into the air
but stealing all of the ground water
and selling it to places very far away
the fact that this valley that i am looking out over
used to be a lush red-wood rain-forest
and 100 years ago
they cut down ALL of the trees
drained the lakes
and turned it into a desert.

STUPID!
GREEDY!
WHY?

i prayed to God
and asked him to annihilate the human race.

i talk with someone on the phone and tell him this
he tells me it's a good thing that God doesn't exist.
and if he does, he won't listen to me.

which i know.

i've made this mistake before
it nearly killed me

it's nearly killed me a few times

and as i talk with Leo about it through the day
it becomes clear to me:
it's all about my Dad.

i kick my dad out of my life.
things get better

i feel retarded for being attracted to father figures and not working on my relationship with my real dad
and so try to get my dad in my life
and work on it

and whenever i do
i get really angry
and hate myself
and get sick.

shit, i wrote it perfect in an email to a friend today:

it's the anger that makes me sick
and i'm tired of being sick for this anger
i'm tired of being sick for this self hatred
i'm tired of being sick for trying to love someone who doesn't love himself.

i called my dad and told him i cannot have in him in my life
if he will not accept me for being gay
( our most recent relationship has been Ok...
not really great, but tolerable. but he gave me one condition:
i must never mention anything at all about being gay.)
Not Ok anymore
i call him and tell him he has to choose to accept me
i know he can do it
he has to
or i'm out of his life
coz i can't do this to myself

i need love
and to cut it out of myself
so that he will... TOLERATE me
is such a raw deal
fuck that.

he says he cannot

so i tell him to call me back when he can accept me



as i lay on the bed outside
after having sleepishly accepted strawberries and cream from Leo
( i wasn't thinking )
feeling nauseous from the dairy i'd not been eating for a week
(i've been on a fruit diet the last three days)
then feeling angry
then trying not to feel angry
then getting angry at myself for trying to control my emotions
shutting my eyes tight and trying to just let go

my eyes flickered open and looked at the stars
what's the name of that one? "Arcturus"?

i stare up at the sky enjoying the beauty and wonder of it
my eyes get heavy
and i start to drift into sleep

when the telephone starts ringingringingringing

i jump up
and it's my brother
whom i blather at for a while about my lap top
grrrr
and then tell him about dad and how i'm not going on the family canoeing trip

he tells me he's already talked to dad
and how dad had a totally different take on it:

dad doesn't want me to talk to him about Sex

dad never said the word "Sex" when talking with him
and maybe because he's scared of the word "Sex" when it's in context with me.
but my brother is straight, so it was safe to say

is it all about sex?
well, i'll call him back and let him know it's not about sex
i don't need to tell him about about blow jobs and hot tops
but i do need to say "I love him" and that's what's important to me

sometimes
the morning after
like now
i wonder what yesterday was about

emotions are always an enigma to me
it surprises me at all that people know how to use them
or feel them
or be in them
or share them
or whatever

and
somehow
i don't

other times
i understand
most people don't know how to either
and i'm actually better at it than some.

what's really important in the world?

just to be validated for being who you really are by people you choose to love

maybe that's all it is

and some people need lots of validation
and don't know how to choose who to love
so they make art and writings and web pages
and just go for love from any direction...

but it's not as good, i imagine, as love from specific people

i'm afraid i'm not really an authority on that one
though i am a burgeoning dillantant
and someday
i'll be able to write a chapter in a book about it.
 
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Comments

 
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
From:dominicvine
Date:June 23rd, 2004 09:04 am (UTC)

ohhhhhhhuuu

(Link)
oh nayland, i love you
do you know Goatboy?
(laughs)

yeah, the actions of this human society is most likened to the actions of a Bad Parasite
killing the host your living off of is just Dumb
i'm shocked that i talk to so many people who don't even think of the earth as alive...

do you believe of the earth as alive?
and, even if you don't believe in God
(oh, that's such a tricky fucking word)
do you have any relation, shall we say, to the spiritual aspect of this reality?
(like money, like sound, like touch, like taste and smell and dreams...)

i'm thankful that i've been recieving such support and love from all my friends right now
it is the capacity for one emotion that allows others
and the hugeness of my rage over the last few days has called many people to shower me with love
and so my heart is swelling...
i don't want to annihilate the human race
i just want us to wake the fuck up
but i'm aware that part of the fun of being here on this planet is being stupid and asleep
we don't need to be awake
we're awake when we're an infinite being
at one with the whole universe
it's fun to be seperate and greedy and scared and mean
and dumb
it's fun

and i've always had a bad sense of humour

so sometimes i pray for patience instead
or at least
a big enough ego to place my weight on the lever and shift this fucking paradigm
so people have a new concept of what "a good time" is

...
i love frogs
they were my first friends
i grew up with them
them and trees
the only things i trusted
oh, and turtles...

teach all the people to get naked in the mud...

nayland
do you want to get naked in the mud with me someime?
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
From:dominicvine
Date:June 23rd, 2004 10:07 pm (UTC)

Re: ohhhhhhhuuu

(Link)
hmmmm
that makes me wonder what the importance of being Sentient really is
is it all about arrogance?


it really doesn't matter when we're writhing in the mud
grunting
and laughing
like the other frogs
does it?
[User Picture Icon]
From:aa_bronson
Date:June 22nd, 2004 02:02 pm (UTC)

Unconditional Love

(Link)
We each need a father to give us unconditional love.

But hardly any of us have one or have had one.

And we go searching among the older men for one with a good heart, who is willing to love us unconditionally.

And then when we find him, we freak out, because we don't believe we deserve that love, we can't believe we are receiving it, we are certain there must be a hidden agenda, but the truth is

we are each learning to love ourselves unconditionally.

And that is the most difficult task of all, it is our life's purpose.
[User Picture Icon]
From:dominicvine
Date:June 22nd, 2004 03:25 pm (UTC)

Re: Unconditional Love

(Link)
i had about a year of it
but i was stoned all the time
and having sex three times a day coz i worked at a bath house.

i still can't be with a lover for longer than a week without hating him and projecting my shit everywhere

i feel emotionally retarded
(have i reiterated this enough?)

but
i must say
i agree with you

and though i have had a few people love me
some even unconditionally

i am appalled at how i am fallen back into such anger at times

and part of me has faith
as summer follows winter
that this fear and anger will succumb to love

but right now...

(huuuuuuuuuu)

anyway

Thank you for the reminder
it takes our friends a million taps on the shoulders
pats on the backs
hugs
and cups of tea
to clear our eyes

and i am thankful for every one.
From:(Anonymous)
Date:June 22nd, 2004 07:46 pm (UTC)

dear abby

(Link)
dear abby

i have a friend
a good friend really
yeah weve had sex
but he taught me a lot about love
and friendships
and the forgotten land between those two things

and hes strugglin dear abby
and wondering bout dads...and anger...and folks who plos trees
i wonder bout those things too

but abby i was wonderin
how to tell him
he GOT it
that the struggle is what its about
that theres no answers, only better questions
and he knows
and he sees
and he's wise

and his anger and ankst are ok
and good
and normal
and i wonder, dear anny
how to tell him that his journey - though painful - illuminates the path for so many others

cause maybe then hed seen that theres good in the world
and its ok to be pissed
and ornery
and cranky
cause hes supposed to be
unless he stops thinking
and feeling
and being

how do i tell him that, dear abby?

love,
papadom

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