ideals @ 03:54 pm
Current Music: cymbal rush - thom yorke - the eraser
everytime i see this guy i totally freak out.
:=== that's what i want to be when i grow up.
i make a commitment to it
i'll eat a lot
i'll work out..
is that all there is to it?
once i've cum
and settle down a bit
i realize i'll just NEVER be that.
i'm not a dog person.
i don't have the same fascination he has with the beauty of Things.
my body is a totally different body
always will be
i will NEVER have a body like that
nor a mind like that
... nor a heart like that.
i don't know this guy.
i've never talked to him.
(well, i've emailed him, i've never heard back from him)
he's the same name as my dad...
i really wish i could grow up to be heavy and sturdy like that
grounded like that
i've seen him on line for over two years
searching for that LTR
or whatever he's after (he says different things on different profiles)
"a genuine interest in others and what life has to offer"
we're all looking for genuine..
someone sent me a porn story
written in porn story voice (is there training for that? does every person channel some terrible spirit to write in the exact same style?)
even though the first 1000 words say nothing of "Man scent" or whatever
i can tell from the writing:
the whole thing fetishized small towns and cowboys and dirt.
fetishizing genuine people who AREN'T obsessed with sex
... from someone who was obviously not of that category
i don't want to be a bad actor
and i don't want to yearn after someone
i am attracted to men that look like who i want to be
(variations on a theme)
but that's all surface
can't get there from here
today i can be worried about the vehicle
yesterday i was worried about the world i run in
but i've got to just do what i can
be in my self
in my body
in my reality
it's a constant weaving of desire
i want to be strong and muscled
like zeus, damnit
not always appollo, narcissus, pan
(got to wait in line for that)
... i want "a genuine interest in others and what life has to offer."
i want to be wise and calm
i want to be able to say everything with my eyes
i want to be a good example
not a mess
like thom yorke?
a good example & a mess!
i want my joy to flower around me
i want my joy back!
i want my love to ripple out and make the world a better place simply from my heart
who are these evil bastards that get off on raping all that is alive? hauling it all towards death...
i want to be strong
to push death out o the way for the little ones
i want to be when i grow up