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July 28th, 2006

ideals @ 03:54 pm

Current Music: cymbal rush - thom yorke - the eraser

everytime i see this guy i totally freak out.

:=== that's what i want to be when i grow up.

i make a commitment to it

i'll eat a lot
i'll work out..

is that all there is to it?

once i've cum
and settle down a bit

i realize i'll just NEVER be that.

i'm not a dog person.
i don't have the same fascination he has with the beauty of Things.

my body is a totally different body
always will be
i will NEVER have a body like that
nor a mind like that
... nor a heart like that.

i don't know this guy.
i've never talked to him.
(well, i've emailed him, i've never heard back from him)
he's the same name as my dad...

i really wish i could grow up to be heavy and sturdy like that
grounded like that

i mean
i've seen him on line for over two years
searching for that LTR
or whatever he's after (he says different things on different profiles)

"a genuine interest in others and what life has to offer"
we're all looking for genuine..

someone sent me a porn story
written in porn story voice (is there training for that? does every person channel some terrible spirit to write in the exact same style?)
even though the first 1000 words say nothing of "Man scent" or whatever
i can tell from the writing:
the whole thing fetishized small towns and cowboys and dirt.
fetishizing genuine people who AREN'T obsessed with sex
... from someone who was obviously not of that category

bad actors.

i don't want to be a bad actor
and i don't want to yearn after someone

i am attracted to men that look like who i want to be
(variations on a theme)

but that's all surface
can't get there from here

today i can be worried about the vehicle
yesterday i was worried about the world i run in

but i've got to just do what i can
be in my self
in my body
in my reality

it's a constant weaving of desire

i want to be strong and muscled
like zeus, damnit
not always appollo, narcissus, pan
(got to wait in line for that)

... i want "a genuine interest in others and what life has to offer."

i want to be wise and calm

i want to be able to say everything with my eyes

i want to be a good example
not a mess

a mess.

like thom yorke?
a good example & a mess!

example. example.

i want my joy to flower around me
i want my joy back!
i want my love to ripple out and make the world a better place simply from my heart

who are these evil bastards that get off on raping all that is alive? hauling it all towards death...

i want to be strong
to push death out o the way for the little ones

simple things
i want to be when i grow up
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Date:July 28th, 2006 02:58 pm (UTC)
*sits down with you and listens*

I have witnessed your joy flowering around you,
your love rippling out, making the world a better place simply from your heart. 

Know that I am not the only one.
Know that they will again.
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Date:July 28th, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC)
Yesterday, we were in the kosher pizza place up in lubovitchtown, and in walked this gorgeous man, your build but much more "delicate" if you know what I mean ... impossibly big brown eyes, slender pale hands, huge brown beard, formal clothes, tallis dripping out of his shirt, prob late 20s. I had the interesting experience of looking at him and thinking, I wish I'd looked like that when I was his age.

LOL the grass is always greener.
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Date:July 28th, 2006 08:04 pm (UTC)
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Date:July 28th, 2006 06:37 pm (UTC)

if it's relevant or not


you should read the above poetry. all of it.
Date:July 29th, 2006 05:59 pm (UTC)

To D from the brother

Dominic, it does and you do and they always will. You are saying things at this age that I was confounded by almost ten years ago. It took me down the roads of whiskey swilling, writing, smoking and overwhelming depression. As you know, I'm a bit of a mess now; trying sort it all out.

But sort it out I will, and, I believe, at this still young age, that the secret is the scope of the beauty and love and influence. Look at your life where you travel the world and significantly affect people one at a time. All of those touched people will carry your love and beauty and wisdom to all the people in their lives. Make it your goal to affect them one person at a time by being comfortable by yourself.

You will continue to be the perfect version of yourself as it grows and retracts, sheds its skin, blossoms, regenerates... evolves. Through all those stages you will have interacted with people who will do the lion's share of the work for you. You are doing a very good job being a very good person.
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Date:July 29th, 2006 08:10 pm (UTC)


There is much that you teach, but much still you need to learn, me thinks


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