i'm sitting here in an internet cafe
different one from the last time
---oh i didn't write from there
i'm in portland oregon now
in North portland...
been visiting Sheridan.
i'm sitting in The Fresh Pot on Mississippi street.
there is art on the walls
one of the pictures
of the building i worked in
when i lived here in portland:
Boarded up to look like it's condemned.
and in a way
You Bet Your Life it Is.
"do you feel free"
"do you feel responsibility?"
yes yes yes
so i'm back from the forest
it would have made sense to post it here
but i didn't
June first was my birthday
and i went to the Wolf Creek Naraya:
an american Indian Ritual/Dance for
Two-Spirit (Walks-Between) people
it was really beautiful when i got there
but for weeks before i had not been sleeping much
just a few hours a night, generally
and i had become obsessed with COLD
so i was at the gathering
sleeping in a hammock
in the middle of the forest ( and tons of poison oak)
i would wake up every morning exhausted and sore
and very cold
pray that i wasn't covered in poison oak as i tromped past it over and over...
and then dancing all night
and sitting in circle all day
i was a tired boy
but i didn't mind this
i LOVED it
well, but for the dancing
i found i really didn't believe them
i didn't believe the people
and i would get angrier and angrier for subjecting myself to it
and angrier for not just letting it go
and angrier for not understanding...
when the dance finished
i was left in anger
i wrote PAGES AND PAGES AND PAGES about this
but it is too detailed
-- rituals are not to be talked about.
i woke up after the last night of dancing
the rain had come
i felt homeless and terrified and stupid
and slept for three days in a fevourish fit
the fourth was in travelling.. thought hot springs would do me good
despite what the elders said
got up to portland
and added Sheridan's magic medicine to the blend
which has even made me more space-heady
i repeatedly feel i just need to scrap everything and listen to the wind blow
where are all the meaningful things now i wanted to say?
all i know is
i prayed and prayed to be filled with love
and i'm working on it
letting myself get SO ANGRY was a defilement of myself
-- also showed me i STILL don't know how to deal with my emotions
i was picked up, many times, in the arms of love
and that is always beautiful
and what's more
i have friends
and sometimes just thinking of them melts my heart
and i'm thankful for that
i'm really really really thankful for everyone
thanks for showing up
sorry i'm being so silly
someone throw an intervention for me
change my name