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Vertical Prose

June 11th, 2004

hi, i'm back @ 08:05 pm

Current Mood: catching up to now
Current Music: sunset birds


i'm sitting here in an internet cafe
different one from the last time
---oh i didn't write from there

i'm in portland oregon now

in North portland...

been visiting Sheridan.

i'm sitting in The Fresh Pot on Mississippi street.

there is art on the walls

one of the pictures
is mainly
of the building i worked in
when i lived here in portland:
Boarded up to look like it's condemned.

and in a way
You Bet Your Life it Is.

"do you feel free"
"do you feel responsibility?"

yes yes yes

so i'm back from the forest
i'm sorry
it would have made sense to post it here
but i didn't

June first was my birthday
and i went to the Wolf Creek Naraya:
an american Indian Ritual/Dance for
Two-Spirit (Walks-Between) people

it was really beautiful when i got there
but for weeks before i had not been sleeping much
just a few hours a night, generally

and i had become obsessed with COLD

so i was at the gathering
sleeping in a hammock
in the middle of the forest ( and tons of poison oak)
i would wake up every morning exhausted and sore
and very cold
pray that i wasn't covered in poison oak as i tromped past it over and over...
and then dancing all night
and sitting in circle all day
i was a tired boy
but i didn't mind this
i LOVED it

well, but for the dancing
and mainly
i found i really didn't believe them
i didn't believe the people
and i would get angrier and angrier for subjecting myself to it
and angrier for not just letting it go
and angrier for not understanding...

when the dance finished
i was left in anger

i wrote PAGES AND PAGES AND PAGES about this
but it is too detailed
-- rituals are not to be talked about.

i woke up after the last night of dancing
the rain had come
i felt homeless and terrified and stupid
and slept for three days in a fevourish fit
the fourth was in travelling.. thought hot springs would do me good
despite what the elders said
got up to portland
and added Sheridan's magic medicine to the blend
which has even made me more space-heady

i repeatedly feel i just need to scrap everything and listen to the wind blow



where are all the meaningful things now i wanted to say?

perhaps nothing

all i know is
i prayed and prayed to be filled with love
and i'm working on it
letting myself get SO ANGRY was a defilement of myself
-- also showed me i STILL don't know how to deal with my emotions
i was picked up, many times, in the arms of love
and that is always beautiful

and what's more
i have friends
and sometimes just thinking of them melts my heart
and i'm thankful for that

i'm really really really thankful for everyone
thanks for showing up
we're working
sorry i'm being so silly
someone throw an intervention for me
change my name

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Date:June 11th, 2004 11:04 pm (UTC)

Re: back

glad yer back
knowing yer there stumblin and singin and strugglin and lovin
is somehow comforting to me

im tired tonite
physcially cause of a busy day, a softball game at school, and a movie with friends tonite
tired, really, because i slipped back into old patterns with this boy
and it pisses me off

well kinda
and kinda makes part of me chuckle like an old man and think
"well thats just who i am -- kinda fits like an old shoe"

but tonite
its cold (tho not cold like u described)
and warm arms
and a warm heart
and a comfortable friend would be nice

so im missin the dom tonite
sometimes we need a hotspring for the soul
to steam the hell outta u
then freeze u to the bone
till you cant stand up straight
and yer wobbly
and u need a dom to tell u to sit on the bench
cause bein wobbly after that is normal

and u know in that moment of weakness
u trust him
and thats a omfortable thing
and one that helps u let the wobblies be

just be

so its good to know yer alive
'speially tonite

papadom :)
Date:June 14th, 2004 05:05 pm (UTC)

musings on musings (with icing on top)

i think i just got it...well part of it
its not about finding the thing that makes everything ok...that is neat and tidy and all resolved...
this lesson was about learning to accept the uncertainty...the possible rejection...the ugliness and hurt
and not hiding from those things
or running from them
or burying them beneath the next hot thing


in the end - it was a lesson about me
and not about anybody else at all

now that i have the course syllabus
i just have to do the work

Date:June 14th, 2004 07:11 pm (UTC)

wearing love.....

Hello Lover.....

You are so beautiful when you are filled with love...

Or maybe because I was looking through love filled eyes myself.

As I pack and organize I find trinkets, momentos, flotsam of you everywhere....things I realize I would never want to return to you.

How could I ever fit the tidal waves of emotions in a box.

And my love, anger, mistrust, and lust would overspill any container.

Im sorry that I was not always able to emrace you with arms of love...

I would were you here now.

Lay it all aside.

Gather you into me.

Hold you tight, invite you in, keep you close....

Wuzzle....the boy who was always working
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 16th, 2004 11:37 am (UTC)

Re: wearing love.....

let's hear it for love
let's get up and dance for love
take a walk with love among the blooming streets
watch the setting sun reflect off the water with love
hooray for love
we're always happiest when love is in town
you and i and he will have to do a three way again sometime

Date:June 21st, 2004 02:12 pm (UTC)

so life sux. whats yer point?

'Member this...

even tho there are dumbasses with bulldozers
who move your road and bury your herbs
and there are
plastic clown people
with nuthin inside
but stale air and smoke
there are things that you dont believe in
that dont fit
and that chafe your soul

there are still damn butterflys
and some bunnies that have eluded your grasp
and sunrises (yeah even tho the chemical haze hides them - theyre still there)
and tomorrow
and people who love (yeah even past obsession, just love)
and icky superfood drinks that u like
and friends who smile when youre around

so shut the hell up
and look past the haze and the piles of dirt
cause these some whoa fuck awesome shit there

if u look hard enuf

[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 21st, 2004 05:17 pm (UTC)

Re: so life sux. whats yer point?


>>> look look look <<<

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