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Vertical Prose

May 27th, 2004

lover @ 03:56 am

Current Mood: catching up to now
Current Music: "finally we are no one" -- Mum


i always think it's funny when someone thanks me for being a good lover
i mean.. i'm Loving you... why thank me?
the loving should be thanks..

i don't know
but i graciously accept it.

if i had a girl friend
her name would be Sarah

tonight sarah and i left the city and went to Harbin (hot springs)

it was difficult to get out of town

i've not been sleeping
you know
i've been staying up all night
doing stupid things

i've been sequencing CDs
burning them
making little envelopes

My Dear Love
(you know who you are)
i'm having such troulbe
i want to make a CD FOR you...
but i don't want it to have any heavy connotations about love in a bad way
yet i also feel like you need comforting songs about love
and silly songs that play that up
and then
i also think i should give you much more credit
because i also believe you are very wise in some ways

but i also think of you as a little boy!


i talked with Leo on the night of his birthday
drinking a glass of champagne
made me sick
(hadn't had any alcohol for over three months)
made me bitchy and sad
i wrote a long piece that i didn't post
coz it was just TOO pathetic
the night before, that's what i'm meaning to say
Leo and i talked about my lover Robert
who is STILL very important in my life
even though he officially told me to Fuck OFF last year
and really
i haven't really seen him much in three years
--- it tears my heart out even now
thinking about him
want to cry

but there is such joy wrapped up in there
and the nature of my being
no throwing that away

in the long conversation with Leo
Explaining the relationship
talking about Mushrooms and Ray of Light
sex, chalk outlines, faries

i said, in a very peaceful and understanding way
that i knew that Robert had been here to teach me something
-- For many years he gave me a type of love that made me want to be a good person
it changed Everything for me

when i was 15 i got dumped by my first lover
in a very shifty way
and i degraded into hating everything and wanting to destroy reality
(i'm very dramatic and extreme at times, as is my nature)
though i was not still in that state when i met Robert
vestiges were still around
and though Robert was no Saint of perfection
the feeling of being IN Love with someone
especially someone so sweet and giving and sexy and scared and vulnerable and Big and Strong and small
so Whole and Human (while still being very magical)
gave me the desire to build the world with love
--- my rivers changed course
and for many years after i left him
i always had it in my heart
that i was loved by someone in a way that gave me a reason to be a good person
such love that made me MORE loving
because i had a reason to become so
i knew that if i could completely sort myself out
learn to love everything about myself
then the world i'm in
i could be with him
and accept everything about him
and love him.

he said i would have a great relationship
(while looking at my palm)
but not for a while yet
he hoped it was him
we both did at the time
but we were doubtful

and now
i guess i accept that it's Over
in that
he taught me a lesson
as far as my old patterning would let me play out with him

and he will never be my Husband
he will be my Rabbit, though
my Gorrilla Momma
my Walrus, Yes
not my daddy, not my boy friend
but a good friend

even if i don't ever make love with him again

he taught me something about love

in the past years
my occupation has been in learning about Love

have to get into fear
have to get into anger
death, critisim
have to get into cooking


i have loved in many different ways

i'm learning more:

the time of my fetish is comming to an end
and just like my relationship with Robert
it will never be Over
it will just be completed

completed paintings still often hang on walls
and still beautify

i will still always adore quickly and passionately the big furry ones i love so much
but Over and Over again
i find i cannot do with Bears all that i want to do
i can only be a small part of myself
(and really, it's not that small, but i wouldn't say i'm HUGEly endowed or anything)

i find again and again
that men i am attracted to on a purely sexual level
can only satiate me on that level

and if i look at what i want to be as an Identity
as the face of my person
i would hate my monicker to be
"a great fuck"

even though i am
i want to really exceed that

i have so many friends in my life that thrill me
take me to places i've never gone before
in art

i often find i can't get physical with them
but i am learning

Now, i'm Gay
it took me a long time to be OK with that
even though i was always fine with the sex part
the label was a bother
but now it's alright


i have always imagined that i needed to be heterosexual
--- at least have heterosexual relationships
be Bi-sexual, i guess
but i'm talking about more detail than Bi...

i had the idea for a script when i was young
about a man comming home to his boyfriend of many many years
and telling him that he's leaving him for a woman
saying that he'd just learned all that he had to learn from being with men
and it was time for him to move on...

as if it were a growth progression like that...

like my brother said..
to go from loving the self
to loving someone different
then creating another person from the two of you to love

he termed it "being more important"

i'm more dynamic, or more scattered
to think of having things as one focal point
though people often think i'm straight
it's the last thing i'll ever be

but i want to learn how to love women!
i also want to learn how to love thin cute gay boys...

i'm learning:

it's about Knowing them.
it's about building a relationship with them
it's about loving and being attracted to what's inside of them
and wanting to appreciate that
wanting to glorify that
wanting to give to it, to experience it, to recieve from it
to share it with them.

beyond form into content?
content is not so easily recognized
it has to be experienced
gotten into
lived through
to be known

(for those of you who use this structure: it's my ego progressing from gemini to cancer, yeAH!)

The Passion of my Fetish is very strong
it will never be over
it will always be nourishment
it will always be a signpost that leads me somewhere

may i follow others to lands beyond that...

Oh, blather

i just wanted to tell the story of TODAY!
so late and scattered
(now and for days)
i was supposed to meet Sarah at 1
but was fiercely horny for some SF reason
i made a mess of myself trying to find something
all dissapointments in all directions
confusing to me why i do this
the town is swarming with hungry ghosts...

ate chocolate cake and cookies!
sleep deprived (four hours last night? three before? six before?)

obiously running myself into the ground
S and i move the time back to 2:30
she's got stuff to do
as do i
but come 2
i call her and tell her i need til 3
i leave the house at about 3.

SO angry with myself
i start my voice in my head telling how terrible i am
blah blah blah

i took wrong trains
didn't know where i was going
had to wait a long time
tried calling other people
because i figured she'd be very angry and not want to go any more
or not even be there!
and i'd be stuck in the east bay
must find a place to stay...

but it was the middle of the day!
i couldn't reach anyone

i got to the BART station at 4
(hour later than half hour later than hour and a half later than original time)
and she was totally cool
Right On

i pulled myself together
we picked up some food at the Berkeley Bowl
and headed out of town

through the thick traffic
to Harbin
got there round 8, i guess

(didn't really get out of the city mess til close to 6)

it was an amazing visit

Wednesday's are Wonderful

very chill and sparse

sarah and i played
contact improve dance swimming

( sarah is a girl i've known for short periods of time since 2000 )

then i took her to the Mulberry tree

two of them
but one of them
the tree is like a ramp
an open door begging someone to come in
you walk right up it
and into its branches
heavely ladden with fruit
we climbed up into them
going higher and higher
stuffing our faces with the beautiful black berries
fingers stained
smudges on our faces
big smiles and full happy bellies

we sat in that tree, climbed around it
for nearly an hour!

and the hot hot pool was amazing today
so sleep deprived
i melted
and in the cold
i prayed
and it was the most powerful experience i'd had...
like the time i took mushrooms at the hot spring many many years ago
i was being taught... healed... cleansed

sarah and i exchanged massage in the body-temp pool
i got SO turned on
she's so HOT!
i'll have to link to pictures sometime
-- i was chuffed
i loved working on her:
i want to massage more of other genders...

then more hot
more cold
more swimming in the pool
walking naked in the dark in the forest
talking with beautiful people
being treated like a guru
being able to sing my songs
yarns of reality
sarah sang her song
and we resonate

that's what friends are for

now she's sleeping in bed

we're back at the hermitage
and now i'm Tired

now it's time to sleep

but i'm glad i had time to write a bit

love and thanks to you.
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[User Picture Icon]
Date:May 27th, 2004 08:54 am (UTC)
the town is swarming with hungry ghosts...

yes, it is.

as long as you see them for what they are, you'll be okay there, though

much as I would rather have you here.
(no subject) - (Anonymous)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:May 27th, 2004 02:55 pm (UTC)

love and definition

>>>When I was younger definition felt like a lever I could use to move myself or other things, now I experience it as a paper hat: decorative but wiped out by the first good rain that comes along.<<<



i was in the sauna last night
talking with this sexy red-neck guy from up north
and this long dreded rasta guy
and questions came

" it's so hard to Change... "

and i said something like this
"well, yeah, from the outside...
but if you get into yourself
into your life
it's not like you Change anything
life is a dynamic thing
so when you are Alive and Living
you're changing all the time
and you can change into something
and change into something else
and that' life..."

and though it wowed the crowd
and i only remember it now becuase they asked me to repeat it
i realize the parallax error now
that i am a gemini boy
and THAT is how MY ego works
many others DON'T

so definition
to me
is something that i play with
but i realize that it traps me if i'm unaware of it

by why would you be sad to have your definitions dissolved?

at heart
we're all anything
and i love being caught in the rain
when all of a sudden
it's healthy to be whatever we are when we are it
best, of course, i love
with a lover
so it's safe
and fun
and they can be you
and you can be they

til you walk down the sidewalk in the sun again
and just are who you are again
(but different than who you were before)


Yeah yeah
and most people don't listen to Cds the way i make them
with so much meaning and all that
but i want to make it right
i want it to be fun

such tools i have to work with

i just need to start making my own music

Date:May 27th, 2004 06:57 pm (UTC)

somethin about a hairstik

i once knew a boy
or should i say, he once knew me
had a stik, a wood stik, a hair stik
and wrapped the world of his hair about the stik
like some cosmic big bang all caught up there about his head
which seemed a good place for it

boy comes and goes
u know the way that boys do
'specially intense and searching and finding boys who have a mind, and a soul, and a body all of which work. special this one is - not in a way like u put in a box up high on your fuckin highest shelf...but in a way u look at a wave...or a bird flyin by...or a shootin star. just somethin that makes u forget and remember all at the same time.

then he lost his stik. his hair stik. his wood stik.
the universe in his hair got a little off kilter...searchin he was
and burnin cds
and runnin
and frantic to find somethin
takes a mity big big bear to pin a faerie down to eat cake sometimes
but its a bears job
and he knows

and he teaches even while he searches
and burns songs about a million pieces of love
and teaches more than just songs
teaches that its really about knowing somebody
and have zero zippo nada things youre looking to get or give
'cept just bein. and sometimes bein with him
and sometimes bein alone. and sometimes bein alone with him \
and - well u get the picture

so i once knew a boy
or should i say, he once knew me
sometimes he makes me laugh. sometimes just feel happy that i have a friend who sees the world thru clearer eyes
and is always searchin
and sometimes finding

so past bikes
past cakes
past books
past alla dat

is a boy with a world in his hair

hes a nice boy
hope u get to know him too
he'll whoop your ass and stir your shit

and thats a

Date:May 30th, 2004 04:33 pm (UTC)

contemplating flutterbys

"you are a splendid butterfly
it is your wings that make u beautiful
and i could make u fly away
but i could never make u stay

not for all the tea in china
not if i could sing like a bird
not for all north carolina
not for all my little words"

:-) PD
[User Picture Icon]
Date:May 30th, 2004 04:58 pm (UTC)

Re: contemplating flutterbys

now that you've made me want to Die
you tell me that i'm "un-boy-friend-able"
and i could make you rue the day

but i could never make you stay.

not if i could write for you
the sweetest song you ever heard
it doesn't matter what i'd do

not for all my little words
Date:June 5th, 2004 09:45 am (UTC)

random eyes

a poetry fuk from PapaDom.
ready? bend over.


you dont really care for music do you?
maybe ive been here before
i know this room, ive walked this floor
i used to live alone before i knew ya
why cant we overcome this wall?
well maybe its because i didnt know u at all
kiss me please kiss me
on my way up north
i pulled back the hood and i was talking to u
and i knew then it would be
a life long thing
i thought we were supposed to be like glue
should i freak out
should i seek out
someone i could keep
how fucking romantic
all the stars are out
twinkling twinkling twinkling
and fluttering about...
even tho u treat me like a dancing bear
toss your bear a goldfish as it cycles by
someone told me youd be here
whsipering these familiar things
i saw u last in summeretime
u said u hate long goodbyes
you said theres nothing to explain
in every life a little rain
sleep a little more if u want...
i could watch the dreams flicker in your eyes
lying here asleep on a sunbeam
i wonder if u realize
u fascinate me so
like to see u
i had a funny dream and u were wearing funny shoes
i see a wilderness for u and me
im wondering how things could have been
if you find yourself caught in love
say a prayer to the man above
but if u dont listen to the voices
then my friend youll soon run out of choices
the only freedom that youll ever really know
is written in books from long ago
where there is hatred let me sow love
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
dont seek so much to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
to be loved, as to love
to be loved as to love
to be loved, as to love
to be loved, as to love

Date:June 9th, 2004 12:32 am (UTC)

ramblin on


wonderin where the dom is
flyin 'round other parts...
wantin to sit in the dark and talk
tell him im strugglin
to make fellers not my saviors
not my trophies
just fellers
knowing me
bein known by me
as fuckin scary as that is
so tired
so tired
of having to sign up for this same damned class the universe teaches
wantin to get it rite this time
not about this boy so much
as about me
and ready to walk in a new forest
down a new path
one the dom turned me around and showed me was there
even if im barefoot and my feet are tender
and there are little rocks and twigs that hurt
knowing that some paths are worth walkin
even when they hurt

just missing the dom

(btw -- how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya?
still struggling with that line)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:June 10th, 2004 10:58 pm (UTC)

Re: ramblin on


"how to shoot at someone who out drew you"

as in a stand-off

start back to back
walk twenty paces
turn and draw and shoot

someone who outdrew you
is someone who's shot you
it's someone who's killed you
and sometimes
even though you're dead
(dying, but good as dead anyway)
you can kill the bastard too

--- common, haven't you ever learned that from loving someone?

i've shot at a few people that killed me
most of them i let walk away though.

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