26.4. Wednesday. Home at Porta del Mar. @ 11:23 pm
i woke again
earlier than jeff
i set up my computer
and wrote for a while
i wrote til he woke
and he prepared himself for the day
went off to breakfast
we were slap-happy with disappointment and sadness
yet reminding eachother repeatedly to have open hearts.
down at breakfast
there was terrible formulaic greek pop music playing
you can tell from the formula " i love you so much, oh, you are the love of my life, oh Love love Love.. as if any of us knows what that means. ouuuuuuuuuu!"
some live recording with eight thousand thirteen year old girls singing the choruses.
the day was grey, heavy clouds.
we headed out
thinking of going to the internet cafe
thinking of seeing if that travel agent was open
surrendering to whatever might happen.
the travel agent was open
so we went in there first
a nice looking greek woman
spoke good english
though we were beyond hope
asked for what we wanted
Oh, no problem
she took care of all of it
though the other car rental place jeff had gone to yesterday sayd we could not get a car
because we were american and needed international driver's licenses
she said she'd just have to call her insurance company to check
"alright, no problem"
so she rented us a nice little car
got us a stone house villa right by a sandy beach
not too far away
it's off season, of course
but she knows they're open
coz she was just there a few days ago
"in the summer he never has rooms open... so i'm always happy when i can send someone there"
it was not €1600... it was €85 a night.
€25 a day.
so i went to the internet cafe to look up stuff about the hot springs
what did i find?
a guy who had written to me on silverdaddies and said i could come stay with him
was not far away at all, near Olympia
and said there were hot springs there
and he lived out in the country
oh, that's attractive
as for the hot springs we had heard of at the ferry dock
there was nothing about them specifically
just that they existed
so that wasn't much..
back at the travel agent
she said she needed my driver's license
so i went back to the hotel to get it
and started the disc burning of that new leo playlist
then rushed back to the travel agent...
taking pictures with my camera slung over my side
of all the fishing boats
the catch of the day..
we got the car
the little car
which jeff can't drive
but doesn't like driving mountain roads anyway
so i am the driver
it takes me a little while
i'm scared of the greek drivers
the narrow clearances
but this car is small
all cars are small here..
even the trucks are small
no SUVs here, no
we head to the Hotel
pack up our stuff
load it in our little car
then drive down the street to get the time tables for the Ferry back to Killini, where we can catch a bus to Athens...
(or patras... or olympia, i'm sure)
and we head out of town
but getting comfortable with the car
the beautiful sea
the beautiful mountains
i give jeff my camera
and tell him to click away
listening to the music
we're on our way
though don't see any road names
and don't know any anyway
going completely by what some would call
"turn right at the tree with 100 signs on it... then left at the cafe... then when the road forks, take the right... and it's after that..."
so we drive
somewhere along the way
we missed the tree of a hundred signs
and we end up in some small town
driving into a neighborhood..
i turn around and find the main road again
but this is still wrong, right?
there in the middle of the road is a large snake
hoping i didn't hit it
i stop the car on dirt pull off
and go back to get the snake..
it has been hit
but it probably wasn't by me
it's not completely dead
it's slightly moving
i pick it up by the head
which is what has been hit
i imagine it was hit by someone on a bike
and quite deliberately
i carry it back over to the car
jeff takes a picture
and i toss it into the olive groves...
we drive to a gas station
and i ask the guy
but he's on the phone
he just points at the map
and up the road we came from
so we go back
and we watch for the tree more closely
we see it
though there are only about 8 signs on it
it's the right one
and lots of cars from where we're going
we pull into the place, right
i walk through the gate
to an older man with a beard, long hair pulled back
a male and female on each side of him
a little dog comes scootching up to me
hello little dog!
i tell them my name is dominic
this is not the place, it's the next building over
our host, Tasos
shows us around
it's exactly what we wanted.
we put our stuff in the house
then get back in the car
and drive back to the nearest town:
a town made for tourists
Jeff gets money from a cash machine
and we get strange burgers at the Stop Tasty!
TV on loud
7 smoking women at the table next to us
but it's alright. it's good.
we stop at a supermarket
and get wine and cheese and bread and yogurt
some icecream too
then head home.
Tasos told us there is only one other couple staying here
and the requested a lamb roast tonight
we could participate if we liked..
so we did!
but it's a few hours til that
so i decide to go take a nap
our house has a bedroom in the back with a big bed
Jeff claims that for him
mine is the small day-bed in the front room
but jeff says i can nap on his bed
because the room can be blacked out
he sits on the front porch
watching the waves
i lay down to sleep on Jeff's big bed in the back room
and thought of which way would be the best to lie
i chose NE
laying diagonal on the bed
listening to "Sleeping on Roads"
thinking of the story i told Jeff about
when i got back from england
i remembered how much i loved taking long walks out on the country roads
so i started doing it again
but i had to stop
i would start to lay down
and wanted to just lay down in the middle of the road
as if that were innocent
but it was because i was so incredibly depressed after having such a LIFE in england
being back in indiana
i just wanted to die
(writing the word, seeing it on the screen: a type of dread)
and i just wanted to lay in the road at night and fall asleep
and let myself be run over by a car
so i forbade my self from taking night walks while i felt like that
Jeff said "you need help, dominic"
i said: ' i got some: i got out of there '
-- the song has a funny line near the end
"watch for the cars, babe
coz they can fuck you up"
when the song was over
i took off the iPod
and closed my eyes
i didn't sleep well
i guess i started dreaming
in my dream
i kept changing position
turning an 8th of the circle
then sleeping and dreaming again
the nap was over when the circle was complete
the last i remember
i was visiting my brother in the desert
(all this talk of Tucson today)
and all my family was there
it was some tiring ritual or event or something
and went to smoke pot (maybe?)
i found these flyers on the wall for what seemed like a very interesting event
or a bad new-age work shop thing
about releasing stress and being more fully who you were (or wanted to be)
as i read it
i noticed the image of the flyer was actually composed of words
(like that artwork i took a picture of in Venice)
and the more i tried to read them
noticed the flyer was actually a picture of a face
the face started talking to me
explaining what the workshop was about
-- about being in our emotions more fully
(the ritual i did last night)
was in a room, then
with a strange video game console
and i was talking to the guy who's face was on the flyer
but now his face was normal
(not composed of words)
and he showed me that Joel (sheridan's husband) was playing the game
and he bent in to play as well
but was still talking with me
i noticed the talking became less words
and more feeling
until Saying anything was the wrong thing to do
i had to just feel it...
i bent into the console
and it was very simple grafix
like something i would see on my mobile phone
there was a dot
moving around a field
what did i have to do?
as i felt things
the dot would move around
more dots formed as my mind got distracted
the less i focused on my feelings
the dot(s) would fall to the bottom
then off the screen
i tried to just be in my feelings
and the more i did that
it was graphically represented on the screen
when i was totally focused on my my feelings
i could then differentiate them
and focus on multiple feelings at the same time
as i did this
the dots on the screen lit up
and i completed that level.
i was blown away.
the game controller was like little sticks coming down in grooves
i had my finger tips on each
the next level was more difficult
but more the same
and the further i got into it
the easier it became
the conversation was still happening
i was waking up
turning in bed
i was aware that i could lift the dots
and i wondered about myself
the screen dissolved now
and i could see the desert at night
but it was a desert with very little greenery
mostly sand and rocks
big flat rocks
i was moving over it
and the more i focused on my feelings
i was shaping it
so i lifted off
and started flying
i was in myself
i was weightless
my heart would now weigh less than a feather
and i could go to paradise
i cannot describe
was i stoned?
i realized it would be time for the party
the ceremony was over
so i should be getting back
so i returned to myself
came out of the game console
and walked back to the ... building?
everyone was coming out
my sister took one look at me and could tell i was stoned
she just smiled and let me pass
my brother asked me if i was going blind
and i could imagine that my eyes were gone all white from the experience i had just had
-- i wanted him to know it too
that meant having sex with him
i went back to his room with him
and he took his pants off
his cock hard
(i've never seen my brother's cock in waking life... as an adult)
it was a huge italian cock
but it had sores all over it
i guess he was going to fuck me
i asked him how long he'd had these sores
and he made it sound like he got them after the last time he'd fucked me
i was worried i'd given him syphallis, as that's what it looked like
and did he pass it on to his wife/girlfriend?
to salve him
taking out ointments
i lost myself in the feeling of just rubbing his cock
assuaging the pain and illness
-- this went on for a while
then he started squirming
our emotions had merged
and he said it was too much for him
-- i was just trying to teach him
i don't remember what happened after that:
i woke up on the bed
and turned back to the original position
but that was just a dream
i woke up on the bed
and i was still in the same position i started in
with a strong urge to write this down.
when i woke
it was about time for dinner
so Jeff and i walked out
and Tasos had set a table for us over looking the sea
right out in front
garden surrounding us
it was beautiful
this place is beautiful
oh, if we were newly weds
if we were in love...
the lamb was wonderful
the salad: fresh tomatoes, lots of onion, feta, green peppers
tons of oil
the bred was thick and whole and meaty
and a plate of frites
which were also excellent
a house blush wine
that went well with everything
we stayed out there til it was dark
the retreated back into the house
Perfect, just perfect.
(where did i read that recently? "Perfect, just Perfect", hmmmm)
(it was probably in "the city of shy hunters", yes...)
we smoked some hash
i played him Jim O'Rourke's "Eureka!"
and we walked outside
to look at the stars
which were visible through the clouds...
nothing to say
we listened to the waves
i took pictures of myself with the infrared
more night pictures
we were tired enough
there was a bit of cuddling
and then separation
jeff sleeping in his big bed
in his own room
c-pap, ear plugs, eye-blinds
i went to my little bed
and lay down
falling into peace
when the fridge started buzzing
i fucking hate that
turned it off
and wiped the sand off my feet again