24.4. Monday. Floating into Greece @ 11:23 pm
i don't know what time
in the hard bed
jeff goes out
i lay there and lay there
pick up my ipod
jack off to the mature anal sex video
pull my lap top
sit up straight
set about to write for the day
write and write and write
and eat bananas
and chocolate with almonds
jeff comes back to nap
i jack for a while to bisexual austrialian sex party
but don't cum
oh my fool life
and i write more
and write and write
then have to shit
then decide to oil myself
mustard and mustard and mustard and de-lousing blend
we're docking in the first place
so i dress my oily body
and walk up on the deck
take some pictures
and head back to the room
where he showers
and i set up the table to write more..
and drink beer.
as i'm writing
as i'm drinking beer
i'm becoming lazier and lazier
and start just accepting my notes
adding a tiny bit of detail
skipping over days
what the fuck
now we're pulling into Corfu
i've adjusted many days
filled up the wonderings
but have more to write
have to write
but the more beer i drink the lazier i become
i am eating bread with olives
listening to the new mix i've made for Leo
it's great, Leo
i hope you love it
i hope you love me
this fucking wreck of a body and soul
thrown out to sea
i think this
but as we pulled into Corfu
i saw the old island
the beautiful city
cross on the hill top
and thought of the beautiful history of myth here
and the christian dominance
fucking christian fuckers
--- i could not rest
though i desired siesta
i sat eating my salami and bread and cheese til it was all gone
drinking my beer til it was all gone
Jeff came in
and lay down to take a nap
as i found scraps in my pockets
of men i had met
who i should respond to...
that man i met in the WC in Sevilla
i wrote him an email
in my smatterings of spanish
even now: fading.
i looked through the photos i took of him in the stall
and decided to edit them and send him some
too entranced by him, yet again
i continued my masturbation
all my writing is masturbation
all i do for myself
Artists: how do you turn these artistic endeavors from masturbation to Sex?
merely by sharing them?
everything can encompass more skill
become more ArtFul
masturbation can evolve into Making Love
Jeff got up and left again
as we passed beautiful white cliffs
i went up on deck to take pictures
finding Jeff there i sat to talk with him
he was all closed up
sitting with him in silence
allowing the cliffs and sea and air to imbue me
actually giving it the time to affect me
instead of running around in my head and ignoring our boat ride
it gave him time to resonate with me
and he told me how sad he was
feeling like he failed some how
with me.. and for himself
how sad that i was masturbating while he was laying in bed..
i remember how terrible that feels
but i tried to explain to him that i am someone who does not rely on others for my pleasure
and often pleasure myself
be it in food or yoga or masturbation
i am often stroking myself to bring a solitary joy
and i was editing pictures i had taken of sexy men in spain
and i'm often masturbating at my computer
and... he didn't invite me in to bed
there's lots of detail
we talked a while
and it was strange
how to fit together
what do you want?
how do you get it?
feel like he's giving up...
feel like i'm giving up
i don't know
the sea is going by
but the talking, friends
i told him
of all the relationships i've ever had
i would have to say Leo is the best
we constantly communicate
if he wants me to lay down in bed with him he asks
and sometimes i stop what i'm doing and go to him
and sometimes i'm busy and tell him: Later
we stay in touch
we're pretty good about that
as good as we can
we're not perfect
perhaps if we were
we'd be together all the time
but it's a hell of a lot better than most of my past relationships.
it's cold in all that wind.
we go back down into the cabin
and cuddle up in bed for a while
which is very nice...
i turn the ipod on
hooked up through the TV
filling the room with Neil Halstead's "Seasons" (and a few of his other tracks)
then "Some Velvet Morning" (the Lee Hazelwood and Nancy Sinatra version
followed by Feist's "Lover's Spit" arrangement
and Tim Buckley's "Sing a Song for you"
Jeff leans against me and says "You have EXQUISITE taste in music"
it's strange to be with someone who actually likes all the music i play
we nap until the sun goes down
on and off
missing the sunset directly
but out our window
the Mediterranean sea
the Ionian sea
it's all purples and reds... dark blues
and Hey, we're almost to Patras
so we pack.
i remember from when i was on the Ferry with Leo
just how long it takes to get off the boat
so i convince Jeff to sit and wait with me
i play solitaire
Jeff gets anxious and says
Let's go! Let's go!
i tell him after the next game, but i'm sure we should wait longer.
but i go with him
and we stand stuck in a pack of people for 20 minutes
out in the city
it's kinda like a war zone
train tracks running into town
i feel we should just walk to where all the buildings are
the web site said it was an easy walk from the dock...
but he goes to a cab
and the cab points up the road
in hand gestures
he shows us it's a very short ride
we should just walk.
this language is baffling to me
sounding like Czech:
i can't pick up any of the words
it's not making any sense to me
... at least in Czech i could spit out a few Polish words that Leo was able to feed me...
we walk along the road
along the uneven, unfinished messy dark sidewalks
we get to our hotel
a former art-deco glory
it's kinda nice
the lady behind the counter is so chill
whatever, stay however long you like, don't bother giving me the credit card yet... we'll take care of everything when you leave
she tells us the best travel agent to go to
giving us her name to recommend us by
we go to our room
and look out over the sea
... nice view, even at night
but we're both so hungry:
the food on the ferry was so atrocious
i haven't eaten since "lunch" of beer and bread and salami and cheese
so we go walking into town
and it's all commercial
loud disco music
not very greek...
but very busy
for a monday night
i guess greece is a late culture too.
we walk around
the main street
some side streets
it's kinda nauseating
but before we head back,
defaulting to the Hotel Restaurant
we see a few small restaurants
and go to try them
they're kinda just fast-food joints
but there are lots of people sitting out side
so we pick the one that's all in greek
yeah: but they don't serve lamb...
not too expensive
and we're So hungry
we both get platters of pita bread, potato fries, and sautéed onions, mushrooms, peppers..
i got veal, he got pork and chicken
but i eat all mine
he has about half of his
saying it tastes too processed
and now i'm full
and it's late
and we're tired
i feel like i should walk around before going to bed
so Jeff heads back to the hotel
and i go walking
i turn the corner at the front town square
and find the travel agency recommended to us immediately
cool, close to our hotel
no problem for tomorrow morning
the sidewalk ends
now it's just brushed globs of concrete
with bricks and styrofoam stuck in it
concrete surrounding the trunks of the trees tightly
the trees dying..
someone's idea of urban renewal, i'm sure
many of the buildings are abandoned..
and rightly so:
the sea front here is all industrial
not nice for walking along at all
at the next street corner i come to
i wait for a car to pass before i cross
in that small moment of waiting
i catch eyes with a tall, chubby greek business man
i cross the street
and it's just more of the same
and i wonder if i should maybe go to the train station and see if i could find some greek men in the toilets...
when i turn around
that business man is still standing there
looking at me
really? that easy?
i cross back over the street
and give him a cruise
with a definite response
but his phone rings
so he's talking
i walk down the street a bit
he winks at me
when he finishes his phone calls
he just walks up and says
"where ya from"
he speaks little english
but thankfully Some.
he asks what i like
i say "everything"
then suggests we should buy some plastic at a store
-- i have a condom in my pocket
i show him
what does he have in mind?
so i do.
off the side walk
to walking in the street
along the guard rail
separating the train tracks from the road
cars going by
... people walking behind us
we walk for a while
crossing the tracks
to a gate
that goes into a smaller street closer to the water,
passed parked cars and trucks
a big opening in the fence by the water
he says "there's already someone there, we'll go to the otherside"
as we pass this someone
he's a stocky mustache'd guy on a bike
i think about asking if he could join in...
coz he's obviously interested
what, what a lucky boy i am.
then he asks if i'd rather just go into a building with him
which, yeah, i'd feel better about than the docks
he's got a key
so we cross the tracks again
he's on the phone again
i stand around
then he opens a door of a house
next to an industrial building...
he clicks on the light
but it looks just like an apartment building
he puts his fingers to his lips
and opens a door quietly
then closes it again
shakes his head
then opens another door
shows me: it's stacked with boxes
no room for us in there
but he turns the light on in there
as the light in the hall times out and turns off
he hugs me and kisses me
mostly rubbing his chin against my beard
probably 6'4 or so
he's very big
he's clean shaven
he pushes his hips against me immediately
i unzip his pants
i imagine how nice it would be to be in bed with him
but that's not gonna happen
it's just a simple blow job
he really likes it
he smiles down at me
from way up there
an average sized dick
on a very big man
it's over pretty quick
he takes a minute to put himself back together
and walks me out
he asks me if i know how to get back to where we met
i'm going to walk around a bit more
we say good night..
i walk down to the docks again
but the guy on the bike is gone.
so i walk along the water
the parked delivery trucks
the cars with various people in or around them
then a restaurant
a children's park
and a sea-front walk
all huge stones along the shore
some old men
i walk for a while
i should be heading back
so i walk back
but for when i pass where the guy with the bike Was
i stop to look into the arc-light-lit waters
and see a school of fish, large, shimmering in the water
with one large fish next to them
friends? parent? prospective diner?
when i step closer to the edge
they all scatter
wow, can fish really see that well?
even at night?
-- i cast no shadow on the water...
back at the Hotel
Jeff is eagerly awaiting my return:
there is no electrical outlet near the beds!
so we haul one across the room
it's an old hotel:
only three plugs in the whole room
and they're all next to the TV
and he say's he's horny now
so we play
but i've masturbated four or five times in the last 24 hours on the ship
i'm not horny
and part of our conversation earlier was about "doing things with orgasm"
which he said he didn't know what i meant
so after he came tonight
i gave him a lecture
about focusing energy from higher levels
be it imagination, heart, will... or god
and pulling them down into your root chakra
and manifesting them on earth
most commonly: a child
but you can use your body like a magic wand and affect the flow of your life too..
after-cum glazed over
and heads to bed
i sit and move some stuff around on the computer a bit before sleep
never easy for me to just pass out
i need alone time
but before 2, i think
i am asleep.