do i remember much of this day?
(i am writing this april 24th! - the other days around it were written already: fill in the blanks)
i remember getting out of bed
i had the pizza to eat from last night
i checked out
i walked to the Gran Via
and got on the bus heading to the bus station
nothing happening in the WC
so i got on the bus
there were many
a whole family of fat guys (and the fat mother)
ah, to roll around in bed together
my bus is picked
and i ride back to Malaga
the rolling by...
i imagine going to the cathedral, coz i want to see it
but i skip it
and just head home
Antonio is glad to see me
tells me he made me Tortilla
oh, thank you
but it's too early to eat
the guy in Cordoba
says it's impossible to meet today
oh oh, oh : ok.
well, i guess i'll go to Madrid, then go to Toledo
oh, have to go to Madrid first, then back track
a few hours in Toledo
my eurail pass, free: no problem
Antonio and i have sex again
i just suck him off standing up
our bodies grappled before that
he's a beautiful man
a fucking hot man
i really wish i could spend more time with him..
he drives me to the train station
and i notice some fat kid drop his litter on the ground
i want to yell at him
i'm too tired.
the lady at reservations says my eurail pass is not good for Toledo: i'd have to pay for it
and for only a few hours: Fuck it.
i just ride to Madrid
i planned on heading north today to meet Bernard in Cordoba
had originally planned on spending three or four days with him
then it was down to two
then down to one
then an afternoon
then he cancelled
so i was going back to Madrid to work on my massage client
that'd be good
he said he'd take as much time as he enjoyed..
it'd be worth it
i'll see that beautiful guy at the bar again
and then where?
i don't fucking know
i took no pictures
i just rode.
got into Atocha
took my little metro ride to Gran Via
walked up to home sweet home Son Soles
and collapsed on the bed for a while...
for a while
go to sleep.
that was nice
but i woke up
and decided i needed food
so i headed out into the city
the next day, i chatted with Eli on Skype
this is what i wrote to him about tonight:
... so i go to this bar around the corner that i went to with Leo... it's a bear bar.. there's lots of cute round furry people there and they play good music (entire pulp and beck albums last week)
so i went to go have a drink and see if some people i knew were there (not that i can talk with them, becuase i don't speak spanish very well at all)
and they're not there
i'll skip all the details
but i go down stairs to the sex part
and this really hot guy
but he's being rough
He's pushing me around
and that's partially hot, you know
but sad and frustrated as i am already
and slightly sunburned
he was pulling my beard REALLY FUCKING HARD
and then he starts slapping me.. (on the back, and the butt)
being slapped is ok.. it's kinda hot.. not really my thing... but it can be OK
But this guy does it harder and harder and harder and harder
and about the 6th time i literally just stood up and pulled my fist back like i was going to smash the guy
i was on an endorphine/adrenalin rush and i was gonna put my fucking fist through his face or his chest
literally just wanted to fucking floor the fucker and fuck him up really fucked
and i'm not a violent guy
so i stood there with rage pouring through my body
about twice as big as i ususally am... and he's fucking terrified.. his eyes look like mice eyes...
i couldn't shake the feeling the rest of the night (which is when i called you... after i had another glass of gin)
i was very sad at everything and wanting to fucking destroy the world/myself.
you remember how that feels, right?
there was also this guy in the bar
who i thought was... theoretically... Cute.
but he was wearing a big mickey mouse shirt
and a stupid hat that said GrrrrrX2
but if he were naked i would love him
and there he was
this terrible look on his face
all of his words really clipped and tense
his face so fucking tense
i could tell he was american right away
because NO ONE in europe has that expression on their face... and i see it in america all the time...
it made me feel sad too
i said hello to him
"where ya from?"
he barked "LA"
and turned away.
he was afraid of you too
yeah, he was afraid of me. it makes me sad when people are afraid of me...
but i must admit i like scaring people that are boring and on the rails
though i think this whole "out of the flow" thing has a lot to do with my contempt of "being on the rails"
on the rails, that must be european
it's a britishism.. but i think it explains what i mean adequately... it communicates to you, doesn't it?
what does it mean?
you've got a poetic mind.. you can hear shit you don't know and make sense of it, can't you?
it means "on track" in life. like a train. got everything layed out before you... but only going to one specific destination.
like. high school. college. diploma. job that kills your soul. tv. wife. kids. tv. retirement. heart attack. stroke. (florida, if you're lucky.) nursing home. death.
most people don't think of it in a bad way...
but i'm a bad faggot
so i have contempt of that shit.
there are rails for faggots too