the people with the best windows are sleeping.
i got me some anger
it's sparking around my skin
not hidden at all.
in the elevator
when he kissed me
i pulled away
the language barrier keeping me mostly quiet
woke at 6 fuckin' am this morning.
he couldn't go back to sleep
but he woke me up
i ran to the computer
internet now working
i sent some messages
what the fuck am i doing today?
i lay back down
don't feel like i went back to sleep
but i lay
i rolled around
drifted through dreams
left hand hurting.
-Hills are beautiful-
i got out of bed around 9
i sat at the computer
going through the messages
wondering where i was going to go today
they confuse me
and don't hear back
i'm plugged in right now
got headphones on
laptop between my thighs
as the bus rolls through the rolling green hills
stripped with agriculture
"in my heart"
my brain is a bit of a scattered mess
lack of sleep!
Antonio got back from breakfast
and commenced chain smoking
he didn't say anything
but that let me know he was feeling stressed
i went into the guest room and started packing things
a terrible panicked feeling
i have all these warm clothes i don't need now
won't need for months
should i carry them another month?
buy a bag to give to jeff to take back to the US?
or just throw them away?
or just give them away...
where am i going?
i was supposed to go to marabella this morning
but i don't want to deal with another human right now
i don't want to be friendly or attentive or present to anyone else
i just want to sit in a dark corner and write
i just want to sleep
i just want to be alone
and i cannot right now
that's just too complicated to make work.
i remember i wanted some of those songs from the Almodovar CD
so i put it in my computer
and close iTunes to re-open it with my main music library
move the files around
iTunes ate the library
it comes up blank
all my tracks from home
the listing, of course
not the music
but that's the library my ipod was set for
and now it's gone
i try and salvage files
but end up just devouring them as well
scattered to more scattered
to more panicked
what the fuck is going on this morning?
i throw it all together
zip it up
in and out of the room a thousand times
the whole apartment smells like smoke
put the trash together
i will go to Granada
to see the ancient ruins or mosque or whatever the fuck is there
i will take a bus
i will come back and sleep here tonight.
Antonio says he will walk me to bus station
at this point we are hardly communicating
both exhausted from the translation
every attempt pretty much just falls short
down the elevator
down the street
just missed the bus
buy a ticket for 12 to Granads
i'm gonna see La Hambra!
i don't know
i just need to go
just need to go.
("phaedra is my name")
time to kill
everything is frustrating and makes me feel ill
eventually i succumb to the worst possible choice
but it's not meat.
not worst, just close.
confused about everything
i ask again the platform
i go to wait for the bus
look at the people
eat the tortilla
sit in seat
hoping to sit alone
two japanese say they have my seat number
when it seems obvious to me everyone has just been sitting haphazardly
maybe that was just me...
i move back to another empty seat... of which there are plenty.
the bus rolls out
i lose a game of solitaire
and put on my headphones
letting the playlist i've pieced together over the months
shuffle me through other people's emotions
to move me through mine
as the bus rolls on
through the green rolling hills
striped by agriculture
little towns with old churches
lots of white-washed buildings
mountains in the distance
chan marshal, martha wainwright, perry ferral, nancy sinatra
hanging out with me
on my way to somewhere else.
the bus arrives in time for Siesta
i didn't sleep on the bus
i looked out the window
i listened to music
closing my eyes occasionally
winning and losing a few games of solitaire.
noticed the obvious cruising in the toilets
so allowed some nice closeted man to cum just holding on to him
while he was desperately wanking me
to no success
i just smiled
and watched the men in their dance
then looked around
there was a sign for free maps
but no one attending the counter
so i looked behind it
and grabbed one
saw the huge crowd around the bus
checked it's location
and agreed with it
crammed in the bus with school kids
a million private jokes shouted across the laughing throng
staring out the window
checking my location to know where i'm going
watching the architecture getting older
everything in this city is covered with leaves
falling through the air everywhere
blowing along the street
curling up in the little whirlwinds..
i decide to get off
but too crowded
had to settle for the next stop
which was a ways down
and gave me something to purposefully walk back through to get to my destination
which was what?
closed for siesta.
and when i got off the bus
and noticed the mountains
these must be the mountains that block the trains
cut off andalucia from Valencia... Barcelona...
still covered in white this time of year, this far south
and not just white on them
many many meters
i turned to start my walk up
and a man sitting on a bench drinking a coke
smiled at me
then Smiled at me
then Clasped His Hands and Smiled and nodded
with a grin on my face
i headed north
on the way
i got some ice cream
heavy chocolate, raisin (Malaga) and truffo (almond)
everything was befuddled back there
no tip for those girls
heading out of the square
assaulted by the dust of a street sweeper
i turned back to go the other way
only to find a smaller alley lined with "arabian" wares
bright clothes and slipper
kirpas, dashikis, hippy clothes
prices on nothing
i made sure i didn't stare at anything long enough to attract a sales person...
just kept walking
the white kids in the next square playing "arabian" music
up the next street
i see a woman force some... rosemary? into a boy's hand
what was that about?
he jerks his hand away as if burned
-- an exchange ensues
a woman approaches me and tries the same thing
i keep my hand moving
constant moving is a type of protection.
walk down another street
see an attractive day menu
and a hostal down there
in front of the large cupola that's pulling down the road
two construction men sit in the shade
cruising two young female tourists
one calls out
i catch his eye
and he realizes he is also prey
his smile fades
i notice a gay flag down that alley over there
happens to be one of the bars in town
doesn't open for a few hours yet
and the hostal is full.
i think i'd like to spend the night here
spend some more time
time on my own
time seeing the city, yeah.
i go back to the restaurant
a little over an hour before things open again
i can eat
charge my lap top
write (as i am right now)
the waiter is busy
and very friendly
he asks what i'd like
i tell him
"el menu de dia, soupa y lasaña ... y vino tinto"
he says "si"
i say "Gracias"
he says something too quickly for me to understand
"AND YOU TOO" he says with a smile
and, finishing wiping the table top, he scrubs my chest a little bit
some human kindness
i sit and write
the soup arrives
onions, roasted red pepper, garlic, oil
i ask for bread
he gives me wine... then bread
fresh olive oil
i pause my writing
i see a man on the street
long hair, big like mine, pulled back
streaks of grey
brown and grey
so he comes in
nods at me
talks to the waiter/owner/bartender
and to some dissatisfaction
balanced with a free glass of wine and a hand shake
smokes a cigarette
and nods his good bye to me
" 'ta luego "
as he walks out
now my lasagna is here...
i thought about time
and decided i wanted Alahambra more than i really cared about the Cathedral
need something else besides the Christian story for a while
so i headed up to where i thought i would catch the bus...
but saw a sign for "pedestrian path"
so decided to just walk..
chose a smaller street, though
which was the first time i pulled out my camera today
i loved the twist of the alley...
walked to the left, towards up
looked back down the street i just met
and saw signs for hostals everywhere...
so i went to the Hostal Vienna..
rang both buzzers
standing in the empty street
to probably have an opening...
i waited quite a few minutes with no response
and started walking away to go look at another building
when i heard someone come..
i battled through my bad spanish
he waited to check his files
came back, asked me if i'd like to speak english
said he had a room... shared bathroom... for €20
but it wasn't in this building
it was back the way i came, on the connecting street:
the Hostal Austria
sure, fine, yes.
cute gay boy working the desk
he led me through the office
showed me my room
two beds even...
"the bathroom is yours, because the other rooms sharing it aren't rented right now
oh. great. thanks.
i lay on my back while he checked me in
resting my body a bit...
then headed out
tourist shops selling shirts
a pretty green soft thin cotton with orange rayon decorations along the seams and chest
a little pretty for me, thank you, thank you.
but i didn't want to buy it now!
i asked her to hold it for me
and walked up the hill
having to take my camera out again
to photograph the construction workers
the curve of their bellies
the curve of the street going down hill
to the entrance
and dirt path leading up the hill
million green trees
tired chubby old german guy and his more-fit wife
up up up
it was quite steep
the benches looked deformed, one leg so much shorter than the other...
to the wall of Alahambra
fountain with its old faces...
i walked up to the big wooden door
which was closed and bolted in my face
but it was just hippy kids playing around
she asked me for the password
(pass palabra, of course)
through the twisted old entrance
probably so crooked to keep people from being able to rush right through...
back in the day
up the hill
past all the Wisteria..
plenty for the eye
large rings hung off the walls
with little faery faces, held by eagle mouths
were these used to pull the building?
attach What to the building?
grooves worn into the rock behind the rings as if they were swung a lot...
maybe i should get a book..
did i get in for free?
should i have paid?
other people have maps and stuff
i just looked around
into the big square building
though i guessed the centre was an audio-theater (what are those called? where you stand in the centre of something and hear your voice reflected back at you from all sides? )
no one was there
though there were kids and tourist all around
no one was in the centre listening...
so i went there and talked to myself for a while..
and behind there
some modern art exhibit about architecture
strange plexiglass bubbles with pictures and video and sound
stick your head in, be immersed
but what is this place?
i walked out and around
looking for more to see
but it was closed
follow the tourists through the gate
where they're all eating ice cream
sitting in the shade of the tree
ah, an entrance
but the guy says he needs my ticket..
how much does it cost... i'll buy one now..
he motions me up the hill..
i walk around for the next hour or so trying to find the ticket booth
and get very frustrated
at the top of the hill
a guy says i need to go back down and around
i talk to some of the other tourists
and they're impressed i got in for free
i find a map that explains it
i have to walk out and down
and back way way up again
so i start my trek back down into the green
about where i entered the door where the hippy kids were
and then up for a while
scared by some school-type jock guys
i walk on the road instead of the foot path
i come to a fountain
and the Hotel Washington Irving
i buy a beer
and a copy of his book, "Tales from Alahambra"
comes with a free cd.
i sit near the fountain
things from the trees falling all around me.
i flip a coin
and it says
walk up! go in now!
near the pavilion
i find a discarded ticket
i could just use that...
but then see that it has reservations for getting into specific places
oh no! to i have to pay for each roped off area?
i leave the ticket
and walk to the window
it says all the tickets are sold today except access to the garden
i ask if i can buy tickets for tomorrow
so i walk back out
and there's a bus
so i get in it
and it takes me back down
they drop me at the gate
i walk to the store
buy that shirt
and go up to the hotal
grabbing my computer
to go see the Cathedral: an hour before it closes
nice short walk down there
€3 to get in
but what a waste..
the most vain sacristy i have ever seen
and the cathedral itself is HUGE
very tall ceilings
but all white
hardly any ornamentation
the chapels all have gawdy gold altars
but i'm just not interested
i take some pictures though
i love the doors
i'm very into doors right now
i only spend about 15 minutes in there
head down to the internet cafe
and sit to write
talk with people
download my email
for three hours.
i don't post anything to the LJ yet
coz my journal is so full of holes
many half-written entries
i write til the place closes at 22hrs
then go off to find that gay bar around the corner to have a drink
but "It's raining men" is playing
and i don't need to put myself through that
i walk out
then walk back in
and ask if there is a bear bar...
oh yes, yes
he points on a map, and shows me
i get to the street
which is busy with kids
there are four bars packed with people
but the address from the Spartacus is wrong again.
i walk up and around the corner
another bar: TicTac
people have spraypainted "gay" all over it.
(as i had seen near the other bars)
i struggle through asking the guy about the Ambient XXL, that i had seen in the guide
he says it's moved
but it doesn't matter: it's closed on tuesdays anyway.
so i buy a beer..
only having a 50 note
he looks and looks to translate it
and i sit there
some kid walks in
some other guy
but i'm hungry
and not really in the mood
though there is a dark room area that connects to the toilet...
i walk out
directly to the hostal! i want to sleep
i wander through the streets
working my way up through plazas
past night kids, guys walking dogs
to the Plaza Nuevo, just down from my hostal
get a lamachun (not so great) and ayran (from a box)
sit and look at the moon
head back to the room
and spend a bit of time writing and stuff before heading to sleep