he wanted us up and out early this morning
no fussing around
in our morning conversation
i ask him when he wants me to leave
as i'm feeling i could happily spend a week or two with him
i'm really enjoying spending time with him
but he tells me he wants me to leave on tuesday
in some odd way
i take as rejection
as if he doesn't like me
which doesn't make sense
as he obviously likes me
and i find this confusing:
in my silly way
i feel betrayed...
we leave the house
and walk to his car
to head to the mountains..
he says he's taking me the long way around
so i can see more beauty
we listen to a collection of songs from Almoldovar sound tracks
some really good stuff
some really silly stuff
he stops the car along a beautiful windy road in the mountains
to show me wild asparagus:
i've never seen a full plant before
it's all spiny... Strange.
and there are wild orchids everywhere
all sorts of flowers..
the winding green hills
as we drive past small towns
who lives out here?
it's like california... peru.. northern arizona..
it's all those beautiful mountainous places
all but different
we stop in a small town close to our destination
coz i'm hungry
the fruit i bought this morning
a happy break-fast, but not filling for a hike in the mountains
in a small bar in the mountains
we get tea and bocadillos
little sandwiches with the spanish equivalent of Spam in them
you know, that unidentifiable hairy meat
whatever it is
i order another sandwich with more identifiable ham...
then we head off...
how can i describe it?
i took lots of pictures
it's like lots of stacks of stones
big whitish stones
i looked at a chart about it after we finished out hike
and i guess it was a volcanic lift
the plate swelled and was a huge smooth rock mountain
eroded into these stack-like-looking things
we walked behind a dutch couple for a while
the girl often pausing for "i'm a happy tourist in the mountains" picture
pausing by trees with a big smile
the thin pale boy snapping away at her..
coming around a big opening
i a huge flock of kids appeared
and i suggested we leave the path and go hike around
following the trails of the mountain goats
the muddy paths they left on the rocks..
but he wouldn't follow
he said he wanted to go the way he knows to go..
he said he comes here once a year if he can
always with different people
... this year's love ...
he takes me on a path he knows
it's more private
we go back into some trees
a crevice in the rock
and start kissing
i convince him to take his clothes off so i can photograph him there in nature
and he's very uncomforable
i keep cojoling him
until his eyes plead
and he tells me how uncomfortable he is
-- i feel all of a sudden like i'm a molesting a child
and i've pushed him past his place of comfort through my own desires, ignoring his
i feel terrible
but i forgive myself quickly
as he gets dressed
we kiss some more
and walk on
keep stealing kisses in the places we're sure no one can see us
but i keep getting more and more horny
and he doesn't actually want to have sex here
late in our walk
i find a beautiful shaded rock spot
and lay down
saying i want to rest
he says he'll wait for me at the car
i thought he was kidding
but he walked off..
so i went chasing after him
and he felt silent
walking very quickly
i felt betrayed, once again
i walked passed him
and continued on even quicker
so i didn't have to feel that stifled anger of being behind him
i saw a beautiful purple orchid thing
and walked past
a moment later
he called out to me
showed it to me
then asked if i was angry at him
i tried to explain
and realized it was all my bullshit
i wish i could just forgive
don't take things so heavily..
this weird distance
and me feeling betrayed..
but i knew that part of the distance was also the secrets i was keeping from him
playing with Santiago
it was my own actions that distanced me
we drove back to that same small town
and had a bigger meal now
strange tomato-bread-olive gruel, specific to the area
and very strong, lightly cured olives, also specific to the area
all much better than my actual meal
which maybe i was just too full to eat at that point.
mmm, so many beautiful chubby old men here at this small mountain town bar..
oh, i never stop.
off we drove
now to the beach
and when we got there
it was another nice day
so many less people
but i was getting cruised
when i arrived
it certainly turned me on
that fat old man
oh, there with his wife..
but then he walked behind the beach restaurant... now closed on a monday
i followed him
he looked at me
but kept his distance
then a chubby and very hairy guy walked up
and though he seemed cruisy...
he wasn't connecting with me
so i tried to calm down
walked around the beach
layed back down
yoga for a while
and then jumped in the water...
i went for a walk
far down the beach
by the end of the golf course
the tall back fence
where many men had set up camps
where they stroked their cocks
i got down on my knees
in some sort of begging
the men i'd seen
just looking at me
many men i thought were hot
the chubbies and the furries
so i walked back along the water's edge
and we headed back to the house
space between us.
back at the house i went onto the computer to make plans for tomorrow..
look up times for busses to Marbella
or trains to granada
trying to plan things out
i'd sent out messages this morning to the guy i was planning on visiting in Cordoba
--- but now the internet was dead
some random thing
Antonio called the company: they didn't know
sorry. no internet tonight.
Antonio was off to dinner again
so i thought of heading into town to get food
maybe find an internet cafe...
i called Santiago
now that i was leaving tomorrow
i wondered if i could see him again tonight?
he was in Granada!
but he said he would drive back for me
so i headed into town
he met me at the Plaza again
and we went back to his office
opened the box
on my back this time
he's over taken by the feeling
riding the waves
he has me on my knees again to receive him
he lets me use the office computers to check things out
Yes: i can definately go to Marbella tomorrow to stay with that guy
and Cordoba the next day
he drives me back to Antonio's...
where i shower
then fall into bed with him
he wants me
works me up
and feel like he's taken tons of my energy now
he smiles at me
and refused to cum himself
i'm a drained mess
and i sleep