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May 14th, 2004

on the bus - - - getting out of town - - - bye bye... for a while @ 06:38 pm

Current Mood: travelling
Current Music: cocoon - bjork

momma let me start all over
cradle me
oh
momma cradle me again"

other precious things i have been reminded of:

for those who don't have Faith
there is Will

that is, if you don't believe in destiny
you can make the whole damn thing up yourself

but you got to have a damn huge amount of determination in order to do that
and you only get that if you have faith in yourself...

we can live life in the movement of the moment
flowing with what's happening
listening to the wind
and responding accordingly
the very act of being blown upon
the ripple in our own bodies
causing further gusts that affect others
our wake creating life-shifts for those after us

or
to make things happen willfully
we must be firmly rooted on the ground
heavy in gravity
feet secure
to push around things less weighty...

to choose one
or the other?

will or faith?

to believe there i can choose...

knowing that it's always a balance of both

but listen:
what are the leaves telling me the wind is saying?

----

i'm on a bus heading north

i found a $5 bill on the ground last night when i didn't meet up with the director
leaving a message from my mobile phone
i scooped down and picked it up
"i guess i'm lucky tonight"

but i'm reticent to give that fiver to the bus driver
when he won't even get the tip
it will just go into the money box---
they don't give out change; i shoulda known.

no one has change for a five on the bus
and i'm tempted to stand up and start "spanging" them
i've never spare-changed in my life...
but i don't feel good about not paying the full fare
$1.60 short
and the bus driver obviously doesn't care
i'm riding
and we're almost to Santa Rosa.


but that's not what's important or interesting to me really right now

i want to talk a bit more about love
maybe lust

this whole week i wasn't feeling lusty
and the little bit of sex i had was mainly just for the physical contact
and, yet again, it all felt like service
what we do... we all have a gift we have to give
i received "thank you" emails from the two i am thinking of
and i enjoyed being cuddly with them...
i just didn't particularily care about sex

today, however, i woke up lusty
two hours in this city/bath-house
to find a trick
then they just rolled in

--- a guy i met last month at the bear sex party
my age
lebonese
furry and chubby-- very cute.
but i didn't play with him
he was busy in other realms, it turned out
i went and played with a latino cop
(shrugs)
then with the director from last night
ah HA!
i wanted to kick him into shape
made me think of homer simpson
surrounded by krishna

i ate blood oranges without peeling them
which made me feel really good
and firey inside...

he gave me a tarot reading with the book of Thoth
made me miss my own...

and when i was at the faery gathering last week
the last day
a kid named Bridge went around asking everyone to take a Fairy card from her;
I reached into the center and grabbed: The Journeyman...

like the reading today
it foretold of many more travels a head of me

no home
no settling down
and again, when people are asking me where my home is
i am tapping my chest and proclaiming " HERE! "

shucks for the lonliness of the wind

this is what i meant to say a long time ago:

nostalgic for love

this process of trying to close things with Robert
even though he won't send my stuff back
and won't answer my emails.

thinking of that boy in NYC who made my heart spiral over and over
maybe if i spoke with him on the phone
i would feel the same
but i felt abstract from him when i corresponded with him earlier in the week through the computer
i spent a few hours reading through his journal, catching up
and tried to input
finding myself dis-connected and he seemed just as non-plus in his replies
it made me slightly angry
but more sad
and forgetful...

spending the day at the modern art museum yesterday with my friend in town here balanced that
but complimented it

i was with him
feeling very loving and friendly and playful
curious and appreciative
but similarly distant
knowing i wasn't going to BE with him.


i have to start getting my prayers together for this dance i'm doing in a few weeks
and i'm wondering what i really really want

i had said something about "presence in community"
being able to appreciate what i had while i was THERE
more love and appreciation in the moment
concerning lovers/family/friends

more ambient love?

definitely something about that
being more loving in the moment
to super-human degrees
to feel things in a whole and fluid way
compassion and forgiveness
as well as aiding... advice? support? just loving presence...

hmmm
this bus trip has got beautiful again
narrow road rounding a mountain

you know what the view is like...

gorgeousness
i'm going to watch it for a while
 
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