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May 14th, 2004

after falling (catching my self with every step) @ 01:42 am

Current Mood: jumping with the sheep
Current Music: let 'em in/popscene (paul mcartney/blur)

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Date:May 18th, 2004 12:42 am (UTC)


See, Papadom...
i have trouble with things like this
it's strange
but from the moment i met you
the relationship felt very clear to me:
i was there to help YOU
there are people i meet
and that's how i feel
the little skills that i have
the art in which i have them
i can give
so i do
i remember the first time we were together i did a few things i didn't particularily have desire to do
but there was a clear voice in my head/heart:
"He needs this"
and it did not hurt me
it was my vocation
how i love the world.

but, honestly
in all my relationships i've had like this
i'm always pretty closed about letting the other person help me
i mean.. i'm not very good at asking for help anyway
but, as with you, the way i want your help
in a way
also strengthening you other ways as well:
that is
letting me be around you and have you not act ravenous
just giving me peace
and you've done that, somewhat, pretty well
nights on the couch with movies and talk
cuddled in be with only a little pressure
just being a person with me and not needing help from me
for a little bit
-- i certainly appreciate the moments of calm i have had with you
the humanity:
the friendship.

but i don't spill my guts to individuals well
unless i catch in them a type of intellectuality that can trip me up, catch me, lift me
and place me down in an un-familiar place that enlightens me in a new way
and i don't feel that with you
your art is more of loving and acceptance
to your detriment sometimes
you will learn/ are learning

if you want to say this in a public forum
i will respond there
as you see
i am OK spilling my guts in a public forum:
like being in NYC
i can walk down the streets singing to myself as loud as i want
expressing myself freely
knowing that there are a million people walking by
some might hear my song
some might like it
some might stop me to sing along or tell me something about it
but mostly it just colours slight parts of the day for people
and i am happy with that
in my solitude
and fame

thanks though, kid
i appreciate it
love to ya


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