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Vertical Prose

May 14th, 2004

after falling (catching my self with every step) @ 01:42 am

Current Mood: jumping with the sheep
Current Music: let 'em in/popscene (paul mcartney/blur)

Ah yeah
nothing lyke typing a bit to put a boy to sleep

we sing our selves our own bedtime songs...

"someone's knocking at the door
somebody's ringing the bell
someone's knocking at the door
somebody's ringing the bell
-- do me a favour:
open it up... And let 'em In."

there are a few things i've thought about
so i'll start at the earliest and carry forward:

when i saw my mother and father in LA a month and so ago
it was just about a month... oh, let me look:

Yeah, just about a month from when i left her in Brazil
she'd lost eleven pounds and wasn't even dieting
her complexion was better, skin tone
and what's more
she wasn't stressed out
and all the stupid shit that she and my father would customarily fight over
all the crap he would pull to goad her
she just didn't care anymore

it was beautiful: something good happened for her down there

me, on the other hand
i was a bit of a mess
Louis (brother) and i fought a bit
and i lashed out at my father one night

left the whole family alone in the desert
knowing that i was the only one that really knew how to get us back

i circled them after i cooled down
found my way back
found them again
tried to talk to my dad
ended up just screaming at him coz he wouldn't listen

and when will i learn not to feed that stupidity?

but here's the gist:

"Dad, i do not make myself open, sensitive and vulnerable so that you can hurt me and have a laugh at my expense. Not OK"

he didn't realize he'd done anything wrong
i was over-reacting

i was staring at the stars
we all were
laying on our backs
mommy, brother and i
Dad, standing up
ant-sy, they would say
he got really bored or something
and wouldn't lay down to enjoy him self
he walked around antagonizing us

eventually he stood over me and said
"what are you looking at"?

as i started to respond
he flashed a light in my eyes


that's when i left.


i was reminded of this when one of the guys i was talking with up here said his mother was like a cross between Martha in "who's afraid of Virginia Woolfe?" and a rabid drunk Bull. paired against Homer Simpson.

he said it wasn't pretty
watching his parents fight

it made me appreciate my mother a bit more:

good for her.

other conversations:

a guy i met at the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter in the park celebration
big hefty guy
makes his money doing accounting
and playing music
reminds me of various people i've known
started one of the only 24-hour places i knew in Portland
where Tapestry and i would eat often
--- long after he'd sold it

he told a story
of walking around South of Market here in SF
whenever he'd walk by the "BEAR" offices
the owner would run out and try to convince him to model for the magazine
and he always declined
eventually having to acquiesce to saying "ok ok, maybe..."
so he could get away

he said it freaked him out
to walk into the Lone Star and
every face would turn and look at him

he said he'd seen this happen when other guys walked in too

said he liked having sex mostly with straight men
who weren't particularly attracted to him: just wanted a blow job
i worked it out:
"so... you don't mind having sex with people who aren't attracted to you
and treat you like NoOne
but you don't want to have sex with people who fetishize you
and treat you like something you're not?"



A guy who moved here 14 years ago
and got tested for HIV once
and it was the most terrifying and nerve-wracking two weeks of his life
so he just hasn't been tested since.

a guy who just moved here (not here really, east of here... but comes here)
a few months ago
from colorado
-- originally from michigan
tattoos everywhere
very hot (to me)
met him at the sex party here at marty's
on viagra
and i guess fucking and fisting and sucking and getting fucked by everything
had a tattoo over his heart in rainbow colours: "Bad PIG"

and i'm a sucker

after i had sex with him (i'd say it was well over an hour)
it just blew me out
and i haven't really been able to have sex since

couple that with the Ashtanga Yoga session that took place here at Marty's Monday night...
two hours
i sweat more than i've sweat EVER
like all good extreme yoga sessions
it noticeably changed my life
as if it put me into further integrity
and further made it more difficult for me to have sex
just feeling off
"i'm not doing this right, where is the love? why am i here?"
what do i want?

today i thought i would leave
i was running around stupid
wanted to go see the "Triplets of Bellville"
i thought i got on the wrong train
apparently it was right
i just had NO IDEA where i was going
and it didn't matter anyway: i left too late
changed plans. changed plans again
wanted to leave for Santa Rosa tonight
where a guy would take me home tomorrow

went back down town to meet up with this guy i met last time i was in town
not only is he a fun kid
intelligent-- > someone i feel like i want in my life a long time
he's really sexy...
beautiful thick bushy beard
golden waved mustache
fun in so many ways
kissing the elevator
in the park
goes for hikes
has mostly a shaved head
but for a long patch on the back
to use as a handle

that made me feel all NICE
then i met with a guy i met last month who did a photo session with me
(mmm, tis the season)
from a bear porn company, actually
he's really sweet
we had a nice conversation
and looked through pictures
the new ones from kwai ( in my yahoo photoalbum )
and the ones from mongolia
and the ones he took of me
and the films Eli made that i have on here...

and by that time
i had missed the bus to Santa Rosa
so chose to fall back on the plans i had made for tonight a few days ago:
went to see "After the Fall" by Arthur Miller
as directed by and comped to me by a guy who responded to one of my craigslist ads last December
who i've STILL not met
but talked with a lot
he sounds sexy... but the more i talk with him i'm interested in other things too..
so, in leu of meeting him
i asked for tickets to his play

it left me disturbed
it didn't have a REAL resolution
but for the one that most of us make of all of our fundamental problems:
nothing we can do but keep on living and keep on trying.

it dealt with too many things that i am overly fixated with anyway:
how to tell the truth in a loving way
how to live honestly and in integrity in a world built on lies
how to love another and not just use him/her to torture one's self
if you're honest, you hurt her, if you lie you hurt both of you

"and in the absence of a way of life
just repeat this again and again
and again"

it was at Sutter and Powell
i had hoped to then go meet this elusive director
so i started walking
i needed to work off this sadness/anger/desperation
i called some friends
talked with Leo for 45 minutes
and by the time i arrived at K's door
he wasn't answering his phone

so i strolled up to castro
and then took the F street car back to 14th
and came back to the faery house
to find someone else in bed with M
so i tried to sleep out in the front
but these thoughts were running circles round my brain
and i owed them a little breath

now i can sleep

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Date:May 15th, 2004 11:03 am (UTC)
Looked at the new kwai photos....

I have yet to figure out if your beauty hides your danger, or if it enhances it.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:May 18th, 2004 12:23 am (UTC)


Ahhh, Danger: the stuff that life is made of
fortunately there is love there too
but are you scared?
and do you know of my danger first hand?

i'm always curious:
i want my danger to be constructive

it's a risk, yes
but i want it to be worth it
a hearty pay-off

beauty is in the eye of the be-holder
i assume danger is as well

may you jump off that mountain
and fly
Date:May 15th, 2004 08:42 pm (UTC)
a man who recently got named (by the universe) papadom
read about u. here.
your thoughts. stuff u were going through.
and felt a little bad.
thinking maybe he was so busy talking about himself.
and his image of u.
that he never stopped to ask...
how r u
anything i can do
and do u need to talk.
funny cause he's a listener bu trade - used to be anyway...now a doer too.
and u so overwhelmed him
that he forgot u were someone that could need him sometimes too.
so this is an
message in a cyberbottle to you
i am here...and got some ears and a heart and wanna stop takin so much from u without givin
so if you take a mind to give a papadom a chance
he'd like to know better who u are
and how yer feelin
and what makes u smile
and what makes u cry
and probably there nuthin i can do
but to listen and share what i think
and the stuff i found out along my own journey
cause like he said
yer special...awful damn special....enuf that he wants to know the shit and the dirt and the pain too.

sleep dom
papas here
[User Picture Icon]
Date:May 18th, 2004 12:42 am (UTC)


See, Papadom...
i have trouble with things like this
it's strange
but from the moment i met you
the relationship felt very clear to me:
i was there to help YOU
there are people i meet
and that's how i feel
the little skills that i have
the art in which i have them
i can give
so i do
i remember the first time we were together i did a few things i didn't particularily have desire to do
but there was a clear voice in my head/heart:
"He needs this"
and it did not hurt me
it was my vocation
how i love the world.

but, honestly
in all my relationships i've had like this
i'm always pretty closed about letting the other person help me
i mean.. i'm not very good at asking for help anyway
but, as with you, the way i want your help
in a way
also strengthening you other ways as well:
that is
letting me be around you and have you not act ravenous
just giving me peace
and you've done that, somewhat, pretty well
nights on the couch with movies and talk
cuddled in be with only a little pressure
just being a person with me and not needing help from me
for a little bit
-- i certainly appreciate the moments of calm i have had with you
the humanity:
the friendship.

but i don't spill my guts to individuals well
unless i catch in them a type of intellectuality that can trip me up, catch me, lift me
and place me down in an un-familiar place that enlightens me in a new way
and i don't feel that with you
your art is more of loving and acceptance
to your detriment sometimes
you will learn/ are learning

if you want to say this in a public forum
i will respond there
as you see
i am OK spilling my guts in a public forum:
like being in NYC
i can walk down the streets singing to myself as loud as i want
expressing myself freely
knowing that there are a million people walking by
some might hear my song
some might like it
some might stop me to sing along or tell me something about it
but mostly it just colours slight parts of the day for people
and i am happy with that
in my solitude
and fame

thanks though, kid
i appreciate it
love to ya


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